A little birthday something (G)

[hazeltea.livejournal.com]

This (slightly more than a drabble) is for smaych 's birthday. Thanks to kahvi also, for advising the theme of stationary. Lister/Rimmer implied.



Lister thumbed through the sheaf of Rimmer’s letters, sorting them out into separate piles. His mother wrote the largest percent, roughly one per month. Each envelope was cleanly sliced open and held its contents in almost unread condition. There were a scattering of correspondences from his brothers, folded around pictures of them in uniform, decorated with both medals and vapid, saccharine women, clinging to their arms and smiling widely to display their bleached and veneered teeth. Some of the women looked almost manic, manic enough that Lister would have thought twice before sleeping with them.

There were no letters from his father, but that was no surprise. The dates on the letters bore witness to longer and longer gaps, until they stopped completely.

Under the letters was a stiff cardboard box, containing unused stationary, embossed with the JMC logo and bearing Rimmer’s name. The paper was bound into small sheaves of a dozen sheets each, and each sheaf bore a title more advanced than the last.

Lister froze as he heard Rimmer’s boots click into the sleeping quarters, and the look of fury on his features made him decide to speak first, either diffusing the tension, or elevating it to a level of hilarity. “Awful lot of work for a lie.” He remarked. “ Your brothers look like a gang of tossers. Why’d you try so hard to keep up appearances?”

Rimmer snarled. “Every time we have this conversation, I tell you why. I can’t help that you can’t accept it. I can’t help that your standards are subhuman. It doesn’t mean that I should lower mine.” He gestured frantically to a skutter, who yanked the box out of Lister’s hand and replaced it in the back of his locker, slamming the door.

Lister rose to his feet, dusting crumbs of cereal from his trousers. “Listen, Rimmer, it’s been years. Let it go.”

“Don’t touch my things.” Rimmer retorted.

“Why not?” Lister shrugged. “You don’t care what I think of the letters, right?”

Rimmer’s eyes flashed in anger. “You can’t change me, Lister. I’m not going to turn into one of your drunken, sleazy mates just to please you.”

He stormed out of the bunkroom, and Lister followed. “You’ve got it all wrong.” He called. “I don’t want you to change.”
Lister stopped in his tracks, frowning as he’d realized what he had just said. With a sigh, he plodded back into the room, and reached for a can of lager. Dwelling on things did tend to make them worse, after all.

Comments

[cosmic-celery.livejournal.com]

I don't think Rimmer's a bad guy. The opposite, really. I just think he's probably a lot more messed up than his brothers are. They might be macho dicks, but I think they came out more intact than Arnold did.

I dunno. Being aware of that is what made Ace; Ace turned that into a strength. "You don't think I'm good enough? I'll smegging show you good enough!"

I think after a certain point, Ace probably got more love from his family because he started succeeding, where Arnold didn't. Why he started succeeding is why they're different, and I don't think it has anything to do with determination, more the application of that determination. Studying for a test, Arnold would make a gigantic chart laying out his study time and get so engrossed in that that he runs out of time to study. Ace would just crack open the book. Ace is also much more likely to put other people's concerns before his own, almost to a fault.

He keeps blaming everyone else for his problems, when really, he has it in him to turn himself around.

I think you're partly right. He does have it in him to turn himself around, but he knows he's messed up and knows he's doing all the wrong things. He sees the possibility for change, but can't force himself to do what he really needs to do to realize that change.

That's why he has so much self-loathing. He needs this big bravado front and the blame placed on everyone around him because internally he can't admit that he thinks it's all his fault.

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

There's absolutely nothing that indicates that Ace got more love than Rimmer. I doubt they're really capable of love, to be honest, any of them.

I don't think Rimmer realizes he's doing the wrong things at all. He doesn't understand why the others don't like him; why his RISK-stories bore people; why women don't fall for his pick-up lines. He clings to symbols, formality and routines, and doesn't understand why he fails when he's clearly Following The Rules(TM), and is the Right Sort of Person (who always has a pen). I mean, consider the following conversation from Balance of Power (one of my favorites):

RIMMER: You seriously believe a piece of fungus like you has got the
stuff to become an officer? You've got the brains of diarrhea and the
breeding of a maggot. I mean, what are you writing on, Lister? The
inside of a chocolate wrapper?! I mean, come on, where's your loose
leaf files? Where's your pencil? Where's your protractor and your
hole reinforcers?

LISTER: Rimmer, I'm going to pass this exam by *knowing* things.

The idea of Lister succeeding scares the hell out of Rimmer, because it breaks down the idea that things like protractors and proper writing implements matter. It's not that Rimmer can't admit that he thinks it's his fault; it's the other way around - he can't admit that it IS his fault.

[cosmic-celery.livejournal.com]

Okay, I see where you're coming from. But I do think Rimmer realizes he's doing something wrong, and he compensates by following his inefficient set of rules and guidelines.

It's not that Rimmer can't admit that he thinks it's his fault; it's the other way around - he can't admit that it IS his fault.

Ha, I almost changed that when I wrote my last response. It amounts to pretty much the same thing, doesn't it?

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

Well, he can see it's not working, and frustrates him. He probably senses that something might not be right, but I think it's so ingrained in him that he just pushes it out of his mind. See, this is how messed up he is.

[smaych.livejournal.com]

I think in a way you're both right - I think Rimmer thinks he is failing but in the wrong way. He's failing because he doesn't have enough HB pencils, because of Lister, because he doesn't know how to serve gazpacho soup. He believes so adamantly in this "system" for proving your own worth that he thinks he's just not doing ENOUGH of it, when really he should accept that the system is crap and turn around and try another way.

So he has really low self esteem, but for all the wrong reasons. If he was all that he wanted to be, he'd be even more of a bastard.

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

That's what I was trying to say, and completely failing to. :)