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reddwarfslash2008-12-18 06:40 pm
Fic: Cake
Rating: PG
Pairing: Implied Lister/Rimmer
Disclaimer: Not mine!
Notes: Wrote in a response to the prompt provided by
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metalkatt - I hope this meets the requirements! :DDespite really wanting to be wrong, Lister was sure the laws of logic prohibited the cupboard from randomly acquiring more food just because he wanted it to. Still, he glared at it for a few seconds longer.
“Smeg” he eventually concluded,
“Problem, sir?” asked Kryten, who was in the process of disinfecting something that probably didn’t need to be disinfected.
“Yeah…we’ve got no flour, or sugar, or eggs or…smeg – why am I even botherin’? We’ve got nothin’!”
“Now you know perfectly well sir that’s just not true, there’s a whole create of those E-Z-Airwayz airline meals we salvaged some 18 months ago. Why wouldn’t you want to eat one of those?”
Lister grimaced “I’d give you the list but I’d probably nauseate myself…” he sighed and went back to foraging the meagre collection of ingredients in Starbug’s kitchen for something vaguely edible.
“Well, what was it in particular you wanted, sir? Perhaps I might suggest a suitable alternative,”
“I already said: eggs, sugar, flour, some other stuff as well….”
Kryten shared a knowing smirk with the half-sterile socket-wrench that lay in a bubbly, lemony-scented coma in the sink. “According to my data banks sir, specifically my culinary files, it sounds as if you’ve got about half the ingredients for a cake there.”
Lister pretended not to hear.
Removing himself from the sink, Kryten turned to look at his human master, noting the embarrassed expression on his little face as he stared pointedly at the counter-tops to avoid eye-contact.
“There may be a way we can circumnavigate this little problem of yours, sir” said the mechanoid, tactful as ever “Scientists in the twenty-first century deduced that certain ingredients could be replaced with other, cheaper, more readily available foodstuffs without affecting the taste.”
“Oh eh?”
“Indeed, sir. They found that they could replace some forty per cent of the wheat requirement for a loaf of bread with potatoes and have it remain edible”
“Potatoes?” said Lister, sounding sceptical but impressed “For real?”
“Yes. Now, we have quite a few potatoes in the deep freeze – it stops them sprouting all those furry little tentacles and looking like the token alien in a bad B-movie. We….you, sir could easily replace the flour in your cake for some potatoes.”
Lister mulled this over “Ok – but what about the other stuff?”
“We’ve got plenty of artificial sweeteners, sir” he opened a cupboard to reveal a great pink block of individually packaged sweeter granules “E-Z-Airwayz does have it’s uses” he chuckled “and there should be just enough powdered egg and some freeze-dried lard in the cupboard to make a rather fine cake, if I do say so myself.”
“Reckon it’ll be any good?”
“I’m pretty sure it’s the thought that counts, sir” beamed Kryten, as he ducked out of the kitchen, leaving Lister to his own devices.
The human adopted a look of undiluted concentration, rolled up his sleeves and got on with it.
Rimmer feared for his life.
After all, wouldn’t everyone if they were accosted by a giant tinker-toy with a cleanliness complex. What was going on in the kitchen anyway?
At first he’d wondered if it was something enjoyable that they didn’t want him to be a part of…but of course, being the paranoid sort, he had started to wonder if there was something more sinister afoot.
Lister would be in on it, the little git.
Checking over his shoulder, the hologram slowly crept his way along the dimly lit corridor. If they were going to get him, they’d try it here…but Rimmer would be ready for them. Oh yes, he’d intercept their interception alright! Ha, smegging fools.
The kitchen loomed into view, the light from the open hatchway casting an orange oblong of light on the wall opposite. There was the sound of someone…Lister, Rimmer assumed, on account of the lack of grace or co-ordination.
Slowly Rimmer slid into the room. “Okay miladdo-” Lister jumped a clear foot, his spasm sending an egg whisk whirling across the room “I know what you and the other two of the ‘Three Stooges’ are up to and I’d just like to say one thing before you give me what I’ve got coming…” he struck a kung-fu pose “I’m ready!”
Bewilderment flooded Lister’s features “Y’what…”
“Your plan…your little scheme to do…oh terrible things to me!”
“Not today, mate”
“Oh.” This was a turn up for the books.
“But…I did do this for ya” Lister walked over to the fridge “Y’know, cos it’s your birthday tomorrow”
He remembered.
From the fridge, Lister produced a cake – at least, Rimmer assumed it was a cake. It was roundish in shape, slightly lopsided, covered in gooey white icing, with the word ‘Arnie’ scrawled clumsily across the top in black icing. Definitely a Lister cake. It managed to be laughable and loveable at the same time.
All of a sudden Rimmer was stuck for words “Erm…well…”
Lister gave a small smile “don’t thank me just yet, you haven’t tasted it. It might be foul”
“Why?” enquired the hologram “What’s in it?”
“Ya don’t wanna know, trust me!” Rimmer took a step away from the cake “Don’t worry” reassured Lister “Everything’s edible, just probably not in this combination, but hey…it’s the thought that counts, right?” He grinned his trademark grin “Happy birthday, smegger!” before strolling from the room.
Rimmer watched him leave before turning his attention back to the cake.
If the thought did count, this one was a smegging accountant.
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I also love how suspicious Rimmer is over what Lister is up to--and considering their past, who could blame him? Remember those mushrooms? lol
Great job! :D
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I purr. Heartily. (I did find one typo, though--create should be crate, I believe. ...a whole create of those E-Z-Airwayz...)
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You might want to proofread this a bit: there are lots of periods missing at the end of sentences, and commas missing at the end of dialogue.
"Laughable and loveable at the same time" = Lister to a T.
Awesome!
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Potato bread is awesome, so they'd probably make a pretty good cake too!
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Kryten shared a knowing smirk with the half-sterile socket-wrench that lay in a bubbly, lemony-scented coma in the sink.
- Perfection.
I also think you've got a fairly good grip on Rimmer here; I died laughing at "Rimmer feared for his life."
If I may nitpick - and they are nitpicks - this sentence rather threw me: It managed to be laughable and loveable at the same time. It's absolutely true, and funny, but who is thinking it? We're in the middle of a Rimmer POV, and I certainly don't see him ever thinking of Lister as loveable (even when he loves him). Perhaps you could find a more Rimmerine way of phrasing it? (For example: "Utterly pathetic, and yet, somehow... likable.")
I'm also wondering why Lister made Rimmer a cake; if this is Starbug era (and it'd have to be post-Legion, wouldn't it), tensions are high, and they really hate one another at this point. I've no doubt Lister would do it, I'm just not seeing it in the story.
Now, let me stress that I absolutely loved this - I concrit because I love. :)
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I need concrit to progress and with hindsight, the laughable-loveable line is OOC.
I don't think I can justify anything I wrote here, well aside from 'artistic license' - I just started writing and this was how it turned out.
I try keeping characters in character, I mean who wouldn't when it's the Dwarf? The reason why most of us nuture such an adoration for it stems from it's characters, but occasionally, I wrote something I'd want to have happen/be said etc rather than stopping and thinking 'hang on a tick...' and working out if it fits at all...
But danke for the kind comments and the concrit! :)
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