reddwarfslash | Red Dwarf Fic: R'matke (PG)

SPOILER FOR SERIES X "Entangled"!

Note: After the Spoon of Destiny didn't work, this is what should have happened…

Rimmer glared at the chief of the BEGG tribe. "You can't have me," he declared confidently.

The chief made a guttural sound that could have been a laugh, as the other BEGGs joined in. Then he said in English, "We win you fair - you sexy light man with lady legs so long and luscious."

Rimmer flushed with a mix of annoyance and disgust. He could sense Lister shifting where the gimboid sat at his feet, and dearly wanted to kick him for getting him into this predicament. "That may be, but Lister had no right to bet me. He doesn't own me."

Chief Ugly made angry gestures toward Lister. "He lie to us?"

Lister reached back and pinched his leg in warning. "He misunderstood your terms," Rimmer backpedaled carefully. "Ownership means something different to us. We," he gestured between Lister and himself, "Do not own each other. We're," he flailed for a few precious seconds, looking for a better word. "Roommates," he spat out with relief.

The BEGGs conferred in their language for a minute while Rimmer sweated, and not only because the jacket was stifling hot in the tent. He didn't want to know what they had in store for him. He'd never been accused of having long and luscious legs before, and quite frankly, never wanted to hear it again.

The BEGGs must have come to some sort of understanding, as the chief grumbled and bellowed, then began punching at the odd contraption in front of him. Lister's sudden shout drew everyone's attention; the groinal attachment had disengaged and fallen to the tent floor. Lister's sigh of relief was palpable.

Rimmer's focus shifted to the chief, wondering what it meant.

The chief's mournful sound wasn't pleasant, but neither was the visual inspection he was making of Rimmer's body. It made Rimmer desperately want to cover himself with about ten feet of titanium. "Lady legs, we miss you."

With something that could be called a sigh, the chief looked to Lister. "Take r'matke and go. We keep ship of green."

Rimmer didn't hesitate; he only heard the word, 'Go.' Grabbing hold of Lister's shoulder, he hauled the man up by his jacket and shoved him toward the tent flap, following him out into the falling snow. "You utter smegging bastard," he yelled into the wind.

"I said I was sorry," Lister shouted back at him. "I was drinking…"

"Why am I not surprised?" Rimmer spat. "You've been drinking yourself to sleep for weeks now and I'm sick of it! Pull yourself together, Lister. As the last human being alive, you're making a piss-poor example."

Lister flapped his arms and bellowed, "Example for who? There's no one else, Rimmer."

Rimmer got right in his face and screamed, "There's me, you twat! Do you think I want to watch you drink yourself to death? You know what happens to me when you die? I get turned off!"

Lister visibly deflated, his mouth falling open in shock. "You what?"

Rimmer was breathing hard, upset and heartsick that he'd broken down and told Lister his most precious secret. After decades of silence, a stupid, drunken poker game had ripped his soul bare. "You die, I die, Listy. Simple as that. I'm here because of you. Without you, I'm literally nothing."

He didn't realize he was crying until Lister cupped his cheek and then stared at his wet palm. Rimmer started shaking as Lister's hands cupped his face, pulling him down far enough for their lips to meet.

"Best make it worthwhile then, eh?" Lister murmured against his mouth.

Words were overrated. Rimmer wrapped his arms around Lister, pulled him in tight, and let his mouth talk in other ways.

He didn't know how long they stood in the snow kissing, but by the time Kryten was prying them apart, snow had turned Lister's hair nearly white and he was shivering. Rimmer immediately removed his jacket and threw it over Lister's shoulders, drawing him back into a hug.

Kryten was doing an odd dance, clearly trying not to look at either of their faces. "Sirs, we need to leave. The BEGGs have been incredibly generous, but we don't want to overstay our welcome."

"Yeah," Lister agreed, his voice muffled by his face pressed against Rimmer's chest. He turned in Rimmer's arms and they started walking back to Blue Midget.

Before they reached the ladder, Lister asked, "By the way, Kryten, what was it that changed their minds? Are roommates really that important to them?"

Rimmer watched in amusement as Kryten's head did a jerky set of motions, as though he were caught in a loop. "No, sirs, they misunderstood Mr. Rimmer. 'Roommate,' or 'rmatke,' in their language, means, 'husband.'" Kryten climbed the ladder into Blue Midget, leaving Rimmer and Lister staring at each other.

The End

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Husband! Yay! ;-) Hehe.

Lovely lovely ficlet. I'm loving the RDX slash!!!!

Doug's just giving it to us, now. He sealed it by having Lister bet Rimmer, as he had nothing else they wanted. So, Lister just told them about his hologram, eh?

Doug could have gotten so much mileage and better payoff with the ownership vibe that's been going on this series, if he'd had Lister or Rimmer declare they were lovers/husbands to the BEGGs and that's why Lister wasn't allowed to bet him. If Doug really wanted to be controversial, he'd have gone that route, though probably pissed off every fanboy in the process.

I can't believe there are only two new episodes left :(

Red Dwarf Fic: R'matke (PG) - Series X story!!

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