reddwarfslash | Double Trouble

Double Trouble – Part 5

After his shift Lister went straight to Rimmer’s quarters hoping to find him on his own so he could share what Cat had told him and see if he might be able to provide any clues, but when he got there the two Rimmers – unsurprisingly – were sitting together at the table; and judging by the way they stopped talking as he entered he thought he could guess what, or rather who, they’d been talking about. “Didn’t I tell you this morning to knock before you come in here?” Rimmer snapped. Lister ignored him, “Look, I’m just here to let you know that we finally got a trace on that scent Cat picked up earlier. It’s a derelict, about two days away, and we’re going to head over and do some shopping; so start thinking if there’s anything particular you need, okay?”

“Amazing,” the double sneered, “The moggy was actually right for once.”

“When it comes to scent tracking, he usually is,” Lister replied coolly, “In fact it’s kind of strange that your Cat never picked up whatever it was that destroyed your ship. Wouldn’t you say?” he added innocently.

Rimmer’s double said nothing, but his eyes suddenly went black with menace. Lister held his gaze but wondered uneasily if he should have paid more attention to Cat’s warning that he be careful of this man. Maybe it hadn’t been such a good idea to voice his suspicions so openly just yet. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Rimmer throwing a doubtful glance at his new companion as the logic of what Lister had said sank in and he felt a flash of triumph. Obviously his friend hadn’t gone so completely over to the Dark Side that he would disregard what he was saying out of spite.

“I think,” the double seethed “That maybe you put a little too much faith in that Cat of yours, considering that his brain isn’t half as keen as his nose.” He turned to Rimmer, “Don’t you agree, Arn?” Lister flashed Rimmer a warning look – Don’t you dare agree with him. Rimmer squirmed uncomfortably, “You have to admit, Lister, Cat’s powers of deduction are just barely below what you’d expect from a hamster who’s had a double lobotomy.”

“I trust Cat’s instincts,” Lister replied hotly.

“More than you’d trust ours, I’m sure,” the double interjected sourly. Lister rounded on him, temper fraying. “What exactly is your problem, man? All we’ve tried to do is include you and make you feel welcome but all you can do is bitch! And you,” he spun angrily to face Rimmer, “For the last six years you’ve been part of this crew! Now I’ll be the first to admit that there’s been ups and there’s been downs but we’ve always come through them together! And now you’re turning your back on that to take sides with this guy just because he understands your hammond organ fixation?”

“He understands me, Lister, better than you ever have or have ever tried to,” Rimmer replied coldly.

Lister was genuinely wounded, “That’s not fair! Smeg, if I counted up all the hours I’ve spent over the years listening to you bleat about your crazy family and disastrous relationships and trying to counsel you through all the other things that have contributed to your deeply messed-up life then I’d have enough time on my hands to walk the equator of Jupiter! Don’t tell me I’ve never tried to understand you!”

“Well, I’m sure that in-between fantasising about Kristine Kochanski, playing durex volleyball with Cat, tinkering with Kryten’s programming, watching slushy drivel and eating your way through a small lakes worth of curry you did nothing but think about me, Lister! Me, the person who came back from the dead to try and help take care of you and keep you sane! And believe me, for those two brief nano-seconds of your time I have never been anything but grateful!”

“Okay, that’s it!” Lister yelled, “You know what? Fine! I know all about how this works because, in case you’ve forgotten, I’ve seen this all before. You two enjoy your little club of two while it lasts because we all know that sooner or later you’re going to realise what a jerk you both are, have a row and come crying to me! Well, just don’t expect any sympathy this time! You’re on your own!”

“Haven’t we always been?” the double interjected sourly.

Lister took a deep breath to calm himself but it didn’t work. Normally he’d have stormed out at this point and taken out his anger on the panel behind his bunk but the Rimmers behaviour today – not least, though he’d hate to admit it, the remark about his ass earlier – had gone too far and he wanted to inflict at least one wound of his own before he left. For a moment the words ‘Gazpacho Soup’ hovered behind his lips but he bit them back. Angry as he was, he wasn’t that cruel. He adjusted his aim and went for a flesh wound rather than a headshot. “God,” he growled, “But I wish to smeg that Ace was here.” The two Rimmers drew in identical, outraged intakes of breath. Lister stayed long enough to drink in their displeasure and then stormed out.

“Did you hear that?” the double hissed.

“The nerve!” Rimmer bristled. He turned and saw his double was actually shaking head to toe with rage.
“How dare he even say that man’s name to us after what he did?”

“Um,” Rimmer’s own umbrage faded a little, “What exactly did he do?”

“You don’t know?” The double stared at him, practically bug-eyed with fury.

“Tell me!” Rimmer pressed. The double started to pace, fists clenched at his sides.

“When that detestable, vile stain of vomit came to our rescue that day I saw right away that he wanted Lister the same as I did. You could see it as soon as they set eyes on each other. I’ll admit it, I was jealous. The sight of him...that long, silky hair glinting in the emergency lights as he threw his arm around Lister’s shoulders...and Lister letting him do it. It was too much. I...said something I came to regret.”

“What?” Rimmer asked fascinated.

“I told them...” the double cradled his head in his hands as if the pain of the memory was too much, “I told them to climb into a nice hot soapy bath together and play Spot the Submarine!” Rimmer relaxed slightly,

“Oh. Yes, I said that too.” He remembered Ace lunging at him and Lister stepping in to hold him back. Perhaps the Lister in his universe hadn’t quite moved fast enough. “I’m guessing he didn’t take it too well.”

“Take it well?” the double howled, “Take it well! They smegging well followed my advice!”

Rimmer gasped, “Good god!” He raised his hands to his face in horror. “You mean...You saw them...You actually caught them...Ace...and Lister? Oh God!” It was just as he’d always feared...

“No,” the double slumped at the table, “No, I didn’t see them. But when I went into the bathroom after he’d finally gone...the suds were still there in the bath-tub...” The double finally broke down into sobs, “...And a little rubber duck!”

Rimmer sank down into the chair opposite, his legs shaking. “And...you don’t think maybe Ace just...decided to have a bath before he left?”

“Of course not!” the double pulled a tissue from his sleeve and noisily blew his nose. “Don’t you see? Lister left the suds there on purpose! He knew I’d find them! He wanted me to know what he’d done! That after all my years of wanting and longing he’d given himself to another version of me who was braver, more handsome,” the double dabbed at his eyes, “With better hair!”

Rimmer’s mind was whirring. He hadn’t been in the room after Ace had left, he’d been too busy sorting out his kipper trap. If he had ventured in, would he have found the tell-tale bubbles just as his double had done? He forced himself to think back. Had Lister smelt particularly clean that night? Had there been an extra sparkle in his eyes? Had he been disappointed that Rimmer hadn’t found his little message before Kryten came to rinse out the tub? “I always,” Rimmer found he had to swallow hard before continuing, “I always thought that there was something between those two. But until now I never had any proof.”

“Well, what more do you want? He just told you to your face that he’d do it again if Ace was here right now.”

Rimmer stood up, “I’m going for a walk,” he said weakly, “I think I need to clear my head.” His double stayed at the table, his red eyes staring fixedly ahead into nothingness, “I’ll make him pay,” he whispered hoarsely, “I swear one day I am going to make him pay.” Rimmer crept out silently.