Fic: Snow - R/L - PG-13

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

Title: Snow
Pairing: Rimmer/Lister
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Red Dwarf owns my soul. In a manner of speaking. I do not own it, nor do I make money from it.
Spoilers: Stoke Me a Clipper.
Notes: Inspired by roadstergal's lovely Breakings - a sequel of sorts, from Lister's POV. Written as part of the fanfic100 challenge - my table is here.



Yeah, well sod you Arnold Judas Rimmer. Sod you to smegging hell. Did you know how long I’ve wanted to do that? Longed to touch you in that way; longed to touch you at all? Yer like ice, aren’t ya? Cold as snow. Remember that time we were marooned, and I half froze to death? Of course you do, because I hurt you then, didn’t I? Tell you what; there’s always been a hollow pain inside of me for what I did then. You never said anything afterwards, but I knew I hurt you deep, and it’s been killing me ever since, that has. Well, guess what? Now I’m glad I hurt you. At least I made you feel something. Yeah, I half froze to death on that planetoid, and it felt like shit, but that was nothing compared to how you just made me feel.

I just wanted for you to be happy, even if it meant I’d lose you. I knew you were always jealous of Ace. It was plainer than a Bulgarian pin-up, the way your face screwed up when you looked at him. Well, now you can be him; you can have everything you’ve ever wanted. All you needed was a little push, and I tried to give you that. Never in a million years did I expect to see what I thought I saw in your eyes when you looked at me just then in the cockpit. Damn near killed me that did. And, fool that I am, I thought you’d grown a heart as well as a spine; that you wanted me in the same way I wanted you; that you cared for me even. Well, if you’d had a sense of humor, you’d be laughing now, wouldn’t ya? Stupid Dave, thinking new and improved Arnie J, the new Ace Rimmer, hero extraordinaire could love him! Could care even one tiny bit for a grungy former third technician who turns his underpants inside out to save on cleaning. Yeah, I made you become Ace, and look where that gets me – yer too good for me now! Would I’ve been good enough for good old Arn, eh? When you thought you were nothing; when you hated yerself, would I have been fitting company then, “Ace”?

Have you ever been kissed like that before, ever? I put my heart and soul into that kiss; every moment I’d spent longing for you, thinking it was all one-sided, that you’d turn away in disgust if I’d ever so much as pecked you on the cheek. I kept looking for signs. A look, a gesture, anything; and I’d’ve jumped you then and there, no matter where we’d been. You never did nothing though, never said a word. I guess now I know why; you couldn’t give a smeg. You really are a cold bastard, aren’t you? I felt your tongue inside my mouth, egging me on, driving me mad with wanting. Then again, everything about your body drives me wild. It was all I could do not to tear your suit off, rip it to shreds and lick every twice-damned inch of you, but I didn’t want to scare you off. How’s that for a laugh, eh? I was still hard when you came, aching to be touched myself, but I didn’t expect nothing. I didn’t expect anything except maybe a smile, an acknowledgement that I existed. A word or three about how you felt. A look even – just one smegging look! Apparently I wasn’t worth even that.

There used to be a time when the though of kissing you, much less kneeling down before you and sucking you dry ‘til yer whole body shuddered in ecstasy - has anyone ever done that for you before, eh - would have had me puking me guts out. I wish I could go back to feeling that way, back to hating you and wishing you were gone forever. But I can’t. You hear that, you sodding wanker? I can’t, because like the goit I am I’ve started loving you. And I can’t stop. God help me, I can’t stop.

So yeah, turn your head. Don’t look at me. Pretend it never happened. Go on then, leave! Godspeed and all that. Have a grand ol’ time fighting and shagging yer way across dimensions. I’m sure it’ll be a ton of laughs, loads of stories to tell the grandkids that you’ll never have. Go play hero. Go have fun. I won’t be here should you deign to return. I can’t rip you out of my heart, but I can rip the memory of what just happened out of my head. Maybe then I can begin to forget you. It won’t take you long to forget me. I was never there to begin with.

See you later, Ace.

Comments

[kirke-novak.livejournal.com]

Wow... just... oh wow. So deep, so strong, so emotional, so bloody great! I was holding my breath while reading this. Pure gold.
*rereads*

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

Glad you enjoyed it. He got angry. ;)

[roadstergal.livejournal.com]

*sob*

*sniffle*

Poor Dave...

Just beautiful. And just so Dwarf. Good intentions all going to smeg and anger with misunderstandings.

You hear that, you sodding wanker? I can’t, because like the goit I am I’ve started loving you. And I can’t stop. God help me, I can’t stop.

Waaaaah...

Perfect flipside.

[roadstergal.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes, great tie-in with Marooned - both the cold and the pain. That bit when Arn was walking to the back of the ship while Dave put his head in his hand - that was just so unexpectedly sad and beautiful for RD (I think it really signaled a change in the show to something a little deeper and darker), and you evoked that perfectly.

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you liked it - I was curious to see how my Lister would mesh with yours. And yeah, like you keep going back to Stoke Me a Clipper, I keep going back to Marooned. It's funny, because I haven't seen Marooned in probably a decade, and I don't remember much of it. Still, it clearly made an impact on me!

[epic-rhythm.livejournal.com]

I really love your writing.

That was simply heartbreaking. I love the way you don't throw in any fancy, long-winded metaphors, it's just Lister and how he feels.

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :)
The character is close to my heart.

[lady-draco.livejournal.com]

Well done =) I really enjoyed that and it compliments roadstergal story very well ...

Keep up the fantastic stories matey!

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :)
Being angry when I wrote it helped! Hehehe...