Ficlet - The Way. PG.

[roadstergal.livejournal.com]

A sort of a followup to Annoyance. I don't want to tie kahvi's lovely story arc into this angsty thing, though, so maybe think of it as an AU? It's just that Stoke Me A Clipper tugged at my sleeve and cleared its throat after I wrote Annoyance. Thanks to her for one of the images.

Crit is always good. Written for fanfic100. Little Damn Table.

All right, you smegger. If that's the way yeh want it.

I tried, I did. I put up with yer neuroses, yer meanness, yer snidiness, yer stupid smegging anal-retentive ways. I even cleaned up a bit, myself, throwing out the clothes that was too stained to ever get clean. I lost a little weight, since you was always callin' me fat. Who knows why I did, after all. Did I expect yeh to change, if I did? Be a better person, be a real man instead of a steaming, smeggy pile of hangups? Ya showed me but good. I woulda been better off hunting down frog-GELFs and seeing if smooching one of them would turn it inno a prince. You sure didn't turn into anything good after I kissed ya.

There were times, ya know, when I thought you had. When you would come back and lie in bed after you thought I was asleep. You coulda walked out and slept in yer own too-clean bunk - you sterilized it every morning, I swear ya did. But you'd climb into my bunk and hold me close, and it felt so warm and comfortable, like I belonged in the crook of yer arm. I thought I might be happy doin' that for the rest of my life. Yeah, hunt down Red Dwarf, get back to Earth, and I could have all sorts of animals. I'm guessin' you don't like 'em, so I woulda tended 'em, and you coulda rode a horse wearing - I dunno, a white suit or summit. And we coulda slept close at night, when it got cold. Not a bad life, eh?

I shoulda seen it even back then, though. The way you'd get up before I did, not wakin' me - maybe you went to soft-light so I wouldn't. I'd wake up with a dent in the bunk next to me, and when I went to the midsection for brekkie, you'd be there, all snarky and nasty. Actin' like we didn't spend the night before shaggin' each others' brains out. I'd try to catch yer eye and see a little of that, but you'd never look right at me.

And then you stopped comin'.

I came by yer room a few times - you must have heard me knock. And I slowly got the idea that you was sitting on your bunk every time I did, not sayin' nothin', just wishing as hard as you could for me to go away. So what was all of this, eh, Rimmer? Just a lapse? Just a little not-enough-sex bit of frustration you got out, then didn't need anymore? Did you think about alla the stuff your crazy family used to say, and convinced yerself that it was just a hologrammatic glitch? Well, whatever it was, I got the idea. I got the smegging idea. If you could just sit there in yer bunk while the pipes rotutted and squeenookled their way through another cold shower of mine, me tryin' to forget that I was a man with a man's needs, and that you had a body that could satisfy those so well - yeah, if you could just sit there countin' your toes through that, I guess it never really meant nothin' to you at all.

So fecking what. I don't care. I have my AR - yeah, Ahhhnold, my smegging AR. You can go back to Rachel. I have my programs and my cheat codes. Who needs ya, anyway?

Still. I wish I coulda made you change. Sometimes I wonder what it would take to make ya change. For the better, and all. Sometimes, I would see something come through, when we was kissin', before we got to the main event (as it were). Somethin' good. Hell, somethin' lovely. Somethin'... almost like Ace. I couldn't pull that out, but man - I wish I could find what would.

It'd be worth all this heartache, it would.

Comments

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

Nah, that's OK. I have a use for a universe that's an AU to the BTC-arc anyway... Something for this to connect to. *cough* I might have mentioned it... ;)

Also, stop it, just stop it! Stop writing Lister so well! *jealous* (Details later. :) )

[roadstergal.livejournal.com]

Anything I learned of Lister, ma'am, I learned from you. :)

[tawg.livejournal.com]

yeah, Ahhhnold, my smegging AR.
I love the whiiiiiine in his voice. The very way it's written jarrs me, because I can just hear him saying it like that over and over again. Which all ties in quite nicely with 'Annoyance'.

I couldn't pull that out, but man - I wish I could find what would.
How very Lister. It kind of... it adds to the melancholy, because it just drives home the dissapointment he feels. Not just because Rimmer's rejected him - abandoned him - but also because Rimmer refuses to achieve his full potential.

[roadstergal.livejournal.com]

Aw, thank you!

Yes, I feel that once you get to VI/VII, there's a very strong sense that Lister's annoyance with Rimmer is over his failure to be what he could be. Odd that the Inquisitor thought Rimmer had reached his full potential, while Lister didn't. Well, what does a mechanoid know? ;)

[nessaancalime.livejournal.com]

But the Inquisitor judged them by their own standards. It was just a testament to Rimmers total lack of self-esteem, while Lister had the self-esteem to see himself as something more - ergo he should have done something about it. Of course the mechanoid didn't realise that peoples potential are very different from what they think themselves that they can achieve. Fun consept that episode.

[tawg.livejournal.com]

You beat me to it!
That said, it's interesting to note that Ace - book!Ace, at any rate - always feels some element of shame for not reaching his full potential, and fully expects to be shown up by any and all other Rimmer's he encounters. Our Arn, on the other hand, leaps at the chance to justify his own shortcomings by pointing at those more successful and saying 'ah, but they had a different upbringing...'

[roadstergal.livejournal.com]

They show that just a smidge in DJ - "It's me, only more handsome!" But he quickly grows disgusted with Rimmer - maybe for the same reason (IMO) Lister does, eventually? That he refuses to work with his potential?

[nessaancalime.livejournal.com]

Perceptive guy - he is more handsome with the short dark hair, isn't he :-)

[roadstergal.livejournal.com]

Ha! You know, I'm a sucker for him in that godawful bacofoil outfit with his own hair...

[nessaancalime.livejournal.com]

No coincidence, I think, that this was Listers Dream-Rimmer ::sigh::

[roadstergal.livejournal.com]

Lister knows how to dream 'em! The first thing he does is whip off that wig.

[roadstergal.livejournal.com]

Ah, yes - in some ways, The Inquisitor was like the judge in Justice...

[nessaancalime.livejournal.com]

That is the downside of reading peoples mind - you don't get the truth, you get the truth according to their mind.

[noirenails.livejournal.com]

Aww. Poor Lister. And poor Rimmer, too. It's weird to read bitter Lister's voice, but that sounds very in character, too. He might never actually say anything, unless he was in a really bad mood and about to burst, but this is what I imagine he would feel in a situation like that :/ Oh, my poor difficult darlings.

and you coulda rode a horse wearing - I dunno, a white suit or summit
*inspiration!* Now, when I have that mental image, I can't let it go and really want to draw it. Which is good but kinda bad, too, because I want to finish kahvi's pic and draw at least one R/L blowjob pic and... *makes markings in calendar*

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

Oh, Lister can be bitter. Especially in the later seasons; he has higher to fall, because he was an optimist at the onset. Rimmer started out a pessimist, so there's not all that much for him to lose faith in.

And that was the image I gave her, so yay! :D

[roadstergal.livejournal.com]

I feel like there's a little bitter coming out of everybody in VI... that's what I find intruguing about it. Then - something is happening in VII. It's the 'something' that I love to play with.

Oooh, yay! You will make us both happy if you draw that. :) I have a bit of a thing for horses...

I can see if I can get some Return To Laredo screencaps, if you like.

[noirenails.livejournal.com]

Yeah, VII definitely made me go "Hmm!" And I still would've liked to see what would've happened with the whole show, VII and VIII, had there been no SMAC. Ah well, a girl can dream and speculate :P

If you manage to find screencaps of Rimmer and Lister riding horses, as seen from the front, I'd be filled with Happy :) But no matter if you can't find 'em, there should be random horse material in Google anyway. And no need to hurry either because I really do want to draw that fellatio pic :P Damn Red Dwarf for giving me so many inspirations at the same time. It's crazy. Before this autumn, I had drawn only one Red Dwarf fanart piece (and it was crap so it's nowhere on the Internet anymore) and now I'm drawing Red Dwarf all the time and not getting enough of it. And for once I feel like I'm doing the whole drawing process properly :)

[tawg.livejournal.com]

You should make a Red Dwarf Slash calendar. Seriously. I'd buy it.

[noirenails.livejournal.com]

That's an interesting idea. If and when I've drawn 12 Red Dwarf pics I might make them into a calendar :) ...or I could start drawing pics specifically the calendar!

Agh. Why am I so easily influenced and why do I keep getting so many inspirations right now when I should be reading "Tess of the D'Urbervilles" and loads of other course books? D: Hm. Study at the day time, draw at night. Yes. That's a sensible way of living. Right?

I can't let go of the idea. I really have to start making art-related markings in my calendar. "Monday: draw sodomy"

[nessaancalime.livejournal.com]

You had to do it ::sniffle::
Actually, I think SMAC makes more sense if they are (still) lovers. There is too much trust and closeness in the scenes they have together, for there to have been a break-up. Even if they were lovers, Lister would probably know better than to think Rimmer was actually happy with his life, because I don't think Lister was happy with his - he had discovered that love is no cure-all after all. So sending him off was an act of love - Rimmers happiness was more important to him than having his lover around. Probably not considering the odds of him surviving very long, or the fact that what Rimmer wants would not necessary make him happy - but when did Lister ever think to far ahead and take time to consider all angles?

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

Rimmers happiness was more important to him than having his lover around. Probably not considering the odds of him surviving very long, or the fact that what Rimmer wants would not necessary make him happy - but when did Lister ever think to far ahead and take time to consider all angles?
Yeah, that't it exactly, I think. Regardless of wether or not they were lovers, I think this was Lister's motivation. Rimmer has a chance to be happy, but doesn't have the guts to go through with it, so lets force him. I think Lister can think ahead and consider other angles, but the main problem here (as I see it) is that he has no idea how to read Rimmer. He doesn't understand him at all, and so he can't possibly understand what he wants, and least of all the hows and why of it.

Trust and closeness though? They don't really talk! If there had been trust and closeness, Rimmer would have told Lister that this wasn't what he really wanted, and Lister would have trusted Rimmer to make his own desiscions. Still, it's all relative. There are nuances, which is where fic happens. ;)

[nessaancalime.livejournal.com]

If you compare to their behaviour since gotten stuck on Starbug, I will say there are a trust and closeness that we had not seen since the first seasons. It's all relative! And duh! guys don't know how to talk :-)
And how do we or Lister know that this not what Rimmer wants? We know that he is extremely uncertain on his ability to do it, and he is reluctant about having to take on the personality required (I think this is a real sign of self-insight in Rimmer, I don't think season 1 Rimmer would have worried about that.)
Lister probably thinks that anything is better than Starbug , and of course he thinks being Ace is a good thing and something people should want. But I don't see why Lister should not conclude that this is what Rimmer always wanted, being an officer, a pilot and a space hero. He has certainly given that impression of the years, and usually Rimmer is never reluctant to let his surroundings know that he doesn't want to do something.
So Lister tries to convince him he can do it and that he can still be a kind of person that is not "too full of himself". The only place where he really pushes is in the funeral scene, but again, he has no reason to believe Rimmers reluctance is anything but bad self-esteem.

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

Well no, I agree with everything you say here.

Yes, they are closer, and there is something akin to trust between them, but the word trust... I'm not sure I'd use it for what exists between them yet. I'll agree that the situation is much better in general, but they have a long way to go still. But they were getting there! They were making baby-steps, and then wham! SMAC. Heh. Fitting acronym. ;)

And actually, I do think this is what Rimmer wants. It's just that, as you say, he's become more aware of both his own limitations and the potential risks. That, and of course the fact that he hates the Aceness of it all. He doesn't want to be a git. But yeah, I think he wants it. But that, as I see it, is not really the issue. The issue is that Lister doesn't give him any choice. He forces his hand. And that is IMO morally wrong. It doesn't matter if Rimmer wanted to do so anyway, because we will never know. This isn't the sort of thing you should be pushed into, even if you really want it. I mean, (I think) it's wrong to push kids into going to certain schools or choosing certain professions, because it's a life-altering choice that they need to make for themselves. Even if you think you know better than them what is good for them, it is just not your choice to make. Even if they end up making the wrong one. I just feel very strongly about that. *shrugs*

[nessaancalime.livejournal.com]

I agree with the pushing and the comparison to a parent is very apt. It is easy to get so wrapped out in knowing what is right for someone that you forget that it is never right unless they make the decision themselves.
But in a way it wasn't Lister that forced him, it was the old Ace by showing up, and then dying. What was Rimmer supposed to say - I chickened out and stayed with you? Maybe a few years back he wouldn't worry, but at this time he had been through "rather dead than smeg" and what would he be if not smeg if he said no to take on the Ace mantle when the old Ace had trusted him to do so?

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

Even if that was his only options - and I'm not entirely sure it is - it still would have been Rimmer's choice to make. Yes, his options might have seemed bad or skewed to one side, but what Lister did was make a choice for him, or attempt to do so anyway. (I will agree that Rimmer could have refused to go along with Lister's ruse, but you could further argue that Lister knew he wouldn't do that, and was counting on it.) And his attempt succeeded - Rimmer went along with what Lister chose for him. And I think that makes a difference, morally speaking. I also think it impacted how Rimmer related to the whole Ace role. Had he actively chosen it himself, he might feel a sense of acheivement; that he chose to do something good. Now? Now he can't even take the glory for that, because Lister was the one who instigated it. I'm no Rimmer-expert, but that's how I would imagine his mind would work.

I think that's an interesting thing to imagine actually; how, if at all, Rimmer-as-Ace would be different if he had come to the role willingly and knowingly, as it were.

[roadstergal.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the feedback - and wheew! I dunno if I have time to go through the convo with Kat on my lunch, and I'm not sure if I could add anything useful. I'll just say that it's the beginning of SMAC that makes me think there's an acute breakup. Lister taking tons of cold showers and running to AR to have sex speaks to me of sudden withdrawl of sex (and love?) that he had been getting.

I agree that he thought he was doing the right thing for Rimmer when he sent him off to be Ace. But he took the choice away from Rimmer, which is not cricket - and again, it speaks to me of some kind of acute desperation on Lister's part.

[nessaancalime.livejournal.com]

You are right about Listers desperate search for sex, I haven't thought of that. We hadn't heard about sex on AR for a while, and suddenly he is completely desperate. Hmmm. Good point.
And for the forcing issue - se above ::g::

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

I know I shouldn't be saying this, given what we're using it for and all, but the only real bit of concrit I have here (apart from some minor accent niggles) is that I'm not entirely sure Lister would give up like that. I mean... it's within the realm of possibility, but I just don't see him as that jaded yet in VII. VIII, yeah. But not VII, not yet. Then again, this might be him just having a "fed up" moment that might fade in time. I can see that. But by the time it did fade, Rimmer wouldn't be there anymore... *sigh* I'd write that, but I kinda think I already am. ;)

I loved the Fiji image. *sigh* That would have been something, no?

Not absolutely sure he would compare him to Ace either. But a hella-good line, and you made me believe in it, so good then!

Last line - *sigh*

I have to say that the dialectizing is absolutely wonderful. Yes, there are a couple of things I want to point out (if you like?), but the important thing is the feel, and you so have that down.

[roadstergal.livejournal.com]

Ja, I kinda thought of this as an acute reaction, as I mentioned above to Nessa. I mean, Rimmer shutting him out abruptly makes sense when I sit in Rimmer's shoes (smeghead), but it just seems to be the kind of action that would drive Lister batty. No foothold, no handhold, just a wall. And I see some of that desperation, again as I say above, both in his actions at the beginning of SMAC and in his taking away of Rimmer's choice.

And yes, please send me the crit! :D

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I can see that. And not just in his taking away of Rimmer's choice, but in his conversation with Ace at the beginning of SMAC. He seems frustrated more than amused by the idea of Rimmer as Ace, really... "He can't manage that. He can't even manage a smegging relationship. He's useless!"

[roadstergal.livejournal.com]

And his comment to Ace is that when Rimmer sees danger, he hides.