Fic: Big Man. PG-13.
Jan. 14th, 2007 01:52 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
roadstergal.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
reddwarfslashTakes place in VII after Stoke Me A Clipper. A companion piece to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
kahvi's Dark. Written for ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
fanfic100; my table. Crit is always good.
"Ah, Mister Ace, sir!"
Kryten's angular face beamed ingratiatingly out of the ship's monitor. Rimmer swallowed down a mouthful of bile and worked up a wan smile. "Kryters, old chap! Just wanted to stop by and see how the old gangeroo was doing."
"Oh, yes, of course! So delightful to see you! I'll open up the landing bay. Swing right around - it won't take a jiff."
Rimmer cut the connection, blowing a relieved breath at the disappearance of that stupid sodding face, and started to fly around to the backside of Starbug. He was still unsure why the smeg he was doing this.
He was still unsure why the smeg he was Ace, too, however.
The 'milk-runs,' as the Computer called them, that said Computer kept sending him on were not exactly fun. They ran against every self-preservation instinct he had, and why? To help out some sorry git he had never met before in his life and bore the blame of getting into the stupid smegging situation in the first place?
Yes, it was true that the Computer had so far only picked sorry gits who just happened to have a swooningly gorgeous sister or mother or daughter or some other attached platonic female companion who was very relieved at the safe return of said sorry git. Like that last one - the dark-haired girl who looked like the center spread on one of those magazines that Howard used to have that he refused to show his kid brother, so that Rimmer had to sneak in and look them over when Howard was playing one of the sports that he was good at and Arnold wasn't. She smiled like they shared a very dirty secret indeed, and she smelled like one of those women at the perfume counters that his mum had always given dirty looks to. And so he gave her one. Yes, they didn't call Arnie J. 'Big Man' for nothing. Or rather, they wouldn't have called him 'Big Man' for nothing if they had ever actually gotten around to calling him 'Big Man.' A good boof, a little of that in-out for that lovely bit of totty.
It had been annoying, though. Her fault entirely, for sure. The way she had called him "Ace," and stroked that silly wig like that hamsterish thing was the only reason she was there at all; the way she held his hands when he tried to take off the Bacofoil outfit with the dead-animal collar and asked him to keep it on, slithering his penis out of his shiny trousers so it looked like it had sprung, fully-formed, from Liberace's bedroom floor. What, was there anything wrong with good old Arn, that she couldn't have had sex with him?
They were all like that. Nobody actually liked Arn. Smegging bitches.
Kryten came trotting into the landing bay as Rimmer opened the hatch and stepped out of the D-J ship. Well, for whatever reason, he was there - he was back on Starbug. He would say hello to everyone, and make it very clear that he was coming back just to say hello, not because he was giving up and wanted to come back for good. If he gave any indication of that, Lister would just give him that resigned, annoyed Look. That You Blew It Again Look. Rimmer was not going to stand for it.
Rimmer tuned back in to Kryten's babbling. "...for the first time, but of course, you can't always pluck a weevil, as they say!" Kryten laughed nervously.
"Erm... yes, yes," Rimmer replied. "Where's Lister?" Get that one out of the way first off.
"Oh." Kryten coughed gently. "Mister Lister is... busy right now. With Mister Cat."
"What on Io could they be busy with? Farting contests? They can pick it up later." Rimmer started to walk towards Starbug's living quarter area.
Kryten placed himself in front of Rimmer. "Really, sir, they're... very busy. Not to be interrupted. Not until later."
Rimmer stared at Kryten blankly for a moment, and then the thought of what Kryten might mean started to wash over him like a far-too-cold shower. He listened to Kryten speak, but the words faded in and out like a bad radio transmission. "Of course, b------------and Miss Kochanski is here. You could g-----------she'd love to meet you, but perhaps whe-------"
It was all a bit much for a hologram to absorb at once. Kochanski was here? That long-longed-after dream of Lister's? But Lister was schtupping Cat? Well, perhaps her arrival (however it had been brought about) had made Lister realize that he was a poof. Not that Rimmer was terribly surprised. No straight man cries when watching romantic movies.
Starbug started to tilt crazily, and Rimmer grabbed the nearest wall. Oddly enough, Kryten seemed to be balancing fine just standing there. Rimmer felt... disgust, of course. But he also felt some other strange, roiling sensation that was very familiar - it had the taste of revision that slipped away in the face of an exam, the smell of his mum's disapproving frown, the feel of the race that he tripped in the middle of and lost.
Rimmer abruptly turned and ran back to his ship. He swung the hatch closed and sat there for a moment, breathing pointless breaths heavily. The thought of Lister and Cat together had left him erect, Space help him. But that was mixed with the strange warm, twisting feeling that Lister had elicited in him now and then in the last few years they were together, that Rimmer had thought was some kind of hologrammatic acid reflux. On top of it all was that feeling he had gotten in the corridor, a feeling he identified as You Smegged Up Yet Again.
Rimmer started the launch sequence, wondering if there were any bicarbonate aboard the DJ ship.
kahvi's Dark. Written for fanfic100; my table. Crit is always good."Ah, Mister Ace, sir!"
Kryten's angular face beamed ingratiatingly out of the ship's monitor. Rimmer swallowed down a mouthful of bile and worked up a wan smile. "Kryters, old chap! Just wanted to stop by and see how the old gangeroo was doing."
"Oh, yes, of course! So delightful to see you! I'll open up the landing bay. Swing right around - it won't take a jiff."
Rimmer cut the connection, blowing a relieved breath at the disappearance of that stupid sodding face, and started to fly around to the backside of Starbug. He was still unsure why the smeg he was doing this.
He was still unsure why the smeg he was Ace, too, however.
The 'milk-runs,' as the Computer called them, that said Computer kept sending him on were not exactly fun. They ran against every self-preservation instinct he had, and why? To help out some sorry git he had never met before in his life and bore the blame of getting into the stupid smegging situation in the first place?
Yes, it was true that the Computer had so far only picked sorry gits who just happened to have a swooningly gorgeous sister or mother or daughter or some other attached platonic female companion who was very relieved at the safe return of said sorry git. Like that last one - the dark-haired girl who looked like the center spread on one of those magazines that Howard used to have that he refused to show his kid brother, so that Rimmer had to sneak in and look them over when Howard was playing one of the sports that he was good at and Arnold wasn't. She smiled like they shared a very dirty secret indeed, and she smelled like one of those women at the perfume counters that his mum had always given dirty looks to. And so he gave her one. Yes, they didn't call Arnie J. 'Big Man' for nothing. Or rather, they wouldn't have called him 'Big Man' for nothing if they had ever actually gotten around to calling him 'Big Man.' A good boof, a little of that in-out for that lovely bit of totty.
It had been annoying, though. Her fault entirely, for sure. The way she had called him "Ace," and stroked that silly wig like that hamsterish thing was the only reason she was there at all; the way she held his hands when he tried to take off the Bacofoil outfit with the dead-animal collar and asked him to keep it on, slithering his penis out of his shiny trousers so it looked like it had sprung, fully-formed, from Liberace's bedroom floor. What, was there anything wrong with good old Arn, that she couldn't have had sex with him?
They were all like that. Nobody actually liked Arn. Smegging bitches.
Kryten came trotting into the landing bay as Rimmer opened the hatch and stepped out of the D-J ship. Well, for whatever reason, he was there - he was back on Starbug. He would say hello to everyone, and make it very clear that he was coming back just to say hello, not because he was giving up and wanted to come back for good. If he gave any indication of that, Lister would just give him that resigned, annoyed Look. That You Blew It Again Look. Rimmer was not going to stand for it.
Rimmer tuned back in to Kryten's babbling. "...for the first time, but of course, you can't always pluck a weevil, as they say!" Kryten laughed nervously.
"Erm... yes, yes," Rimmer replied. "Where's Lister?" Get that one out of the way first off.
"Oh." Kryten coughed gently. "Mister Lister is... busy right now. With Mister Cat."
"What on Io could they be busy with? Farting contests? They can pick it up later." Rimmer started to walk towards Starbug's living quarter area.
Kryten placed himself in front of Rimmer. "Really, sir, they're... very busy. Not to be interrupted. Not until later."
Rimmer stared at Kryten blankly for a moment, and then the thought of what Kryten might mean started to wash over him like a far-too-cold shower. He listened to Kryten speak, but the words faded in and out like a bad radio transmission. "Of course, b------------and Miss Kochanski is here. You could g-----------she'd love to meet you, but perhaps whe-------"
It was all a bit much for a hologram to absorb at once. Kochanski was here? That long-longed-after dream of Lister's? But Lister was schtupping Cat? Well, perhaps her arrival (however it had been brought about) had made Lister realize that he was a poof. Not that Rimmer was terribly surprised. No straight man cries when watching romantic movies.
Starbug started to tilt crazily, and Rimmer grabbed the nearest wall. Oddly enough, Kryten seemed to be balancing fine just standing there. Rimmer felt... disgust, of course. But he also felt some other strange, roiling sensation that was very familiar - it had the taste of revision that slipped away in the face of an exam, the smell of his mum's disapproving frown, the feel of the race that he tripped in the middle of and lost.
Rimmer abruptly turned and ran back to his ship. He swung the hatch closed and sat there for a moment, breathing pointless breaths heavily. The thought of Lister and Cat together had left him erect, Space help him. But that was mixed with the strange warm, twisting feeling that Lister had elicited in him now and then in the last few years they were together, that Rimmer had thought was some kind of hologrammatic acid reflux. On top of it all was that feeling he had gotten in the corridor, a feeling he identified as You Smegged Up Yet Again.
Rimmer started the launch sequence, wondering if there were any bicarbonate aboard the DJ ship.
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no subject
Date: 2007-01-14 10:31 pm (UTC)Gangeroo! :D
Yes, they didn't call Arnie J. 'Big Man' for nothing.
I really, really love this line. I sat there just looking at the lj-cut for a moment, giggling.
slithering his penis out of his shiny trousers so it looked like it had sprung, fully-formed, from Liberace's bedroom floor.
Excellence. Bothered boy with it. He was not amused. But I was!
"Mister Lister is... busy right now. With Mister Cat."
Oh dear gods, what have I done! I feel so guilty! Hehehe...
the smell of his mum's disapproving frown, the feel of the race that he tripped in the middle of and lost.
Lovely.
Oh, er... *points to OpenOffice; complicated hand-gesture* Please?
no subject
Date: 2007-01-14 10:53 pm (UTC)All of the Bigmans (Bigmen?) over all of the fandoms!
points to OpenOffice; complicated hand-gesture
"What, Lister?" *heavy sigh* "Fine, fine - whatever it is, I can tell I won't get a moment's peace until you do it..."
(Please, yes!)
no subject
Date: 2007-01-14 11:02 pm (UTC)Oh, that's so gooood! But it clashes with my idea! (Which was also kinda evil though.) What to doooo?
no subject
Date: 2007-01-14 11:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-15 02:39 am (UTC)Just one thing I found jarring... did you mean "attached platonic female companion" or "unattached platonic female companion."
no subject
Date: 2007-01-15 02:46 am (UTC)I meant attached, as in mother or sister or some kind of 'attachment' that makes that person happy to have the 'sorry git' back, and in every case a platonic attachment, so 'Ace' has every reason to boink her.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-15 02:50 am (UTC)