Vignette - Celibate. PG.

[roadstergal.livejournal.com]

Set pre-One. Crit is always good.

The dull clonk of a titanium spork rattling against a JMC Regulation Cup echoed through the small bunkroom. The murmur of chatter died down as the man who had done the clonking cleared his throat. His long neck seemed to stretch beyond what a normal human's was capable of as he surveyed the men sitting around the room. "Welcome to the weekly meeting of the Love Celibacy Society!" he said, his voice gravelly. The men in the room murmured a greeting in response. He grinned a weasely grin. "I'm pleased to see you all here on this fine Saturday night," he continued, "instead of wasting your precious time and money on... dates." He said the word the way one might say "cockroach." Another murmur came from the attendees; many of them nodded.

The man poked at the papers on the table before him with a nervous forefinger. "The first order of the night is introduction of new members. Let us all give a hearty hello to Second Technician Arnold Rimmer."

A smattering of lackluster applause floated into the air and disappeared as the technician in question stood, nodding in appreciation of the welcome. "Thank you. Thank you very much." He licked his dry lips. He spoke in the flat manner of someone struggling to remember a too-often-rehearsed speech. "I'm truly glad and truly blessed. Like many who come here, I used to be a willing victim of the great romantic conspiracy." He paused, his eyes flitting upwards as if expecting his speech to be written on the ceiling. "However, I soon tired of the endless cycle of spend-reject-spend. Women are indeed a greedy and predatory species." The scratching and scuffling of people rapidly becoming uninterested was getting louder, and the technician swallowed, perspiration beading his forehead. He looked up again, as if mentally fast-forwarding. "Anyway... I... er... I am pleased to trade the false charms of heterosexual intercourse for the real pleasure the company of celibates provides." He sat down again, puffing out a breath.

"Thank you, Mister Rimmer," the long-necked chairman said. "Now, for our next order of business - Alternate Activities. This week's Alternate Activity is... model painting!"

Rimmer smiled as the chairperson pulled out a tray that held several small pots of acrylic paint. He had found real friends at last.

Comments

[slovenlyslut.livejournal.com]

Brilliant. The way you've written Rimmer's little speech is perfect and the image of that meeting is actually kind of scary.

[roadstergal.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I just love the idea of the Society actually meeting...

[smaych.livejournal.com]

Oh this is so sad and sweet.

He had found real friends at last.

Just breaks my heart!

[roadstergal.livejournal.com]

Aww, thank you!

Well, he certainly thought he had. ;)

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

I'm with periwinklesgirl - this is kind of creepy, which is perfect, really. You get the atmosphere across quite brilliantly, even from the first sentence; the titanium spork, the small bunkroom, the JMC Regulation Cup... it's all so dreary and sad.

"I'm pleased to see you all here on this fine Saturday night,"
Again, just so right.

Model painting! *snigger* Not the models we were talking about though, I'll bet.

Excellently done!

[roadstergal.livejournal.com]

I wish I were making up the titanium spork (http://www.snowpeak.com/gears/sct004.htm), but I'm not.

I don't think they're up for such fine manly models on a Saturday night - then again, who knows? They are celibate!

Aww, thanks!

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

Yes, I've seen it. It's oddly fitting for them to be using, in some way I can't quite articulate.

I did wonder about the "heterosexual,", but that was Rimmer saying it, after all. It's worth wondering about though; was repressed homosexuality an issue for any other members? It would certainly be likely, I think. A person who does not realize they are gay would certainly be likely find heterosexual love a "fraud".

[roadstergal.livejournal.com]

Oh dear. A bunch of closeted gay men at the Celibate Society meeting. I can see it.

Unfortunately, Don't Go Home With Your Hard-On came onto my playlist at about the same time that I saw that mental image.

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

Help! Why is that so appealing?? *frets at ideas unfolding in mind*

[(Anonymous)]

That's entertaining, a lot of repressed gay men at the Celibate Society. I could quite picture it, the whole group avoiding the company of women for manly companionship. Attempting to keep things quite innocent with the board games (Risk Tournaments?) and other time killers. A lot of the men develop fixations, or oddly close and intense friendships with other men. Then someone has a bit to much to drink, finally kisses one of the other guys, and it all goes to pieces. Half the group winds up coming out at once (finding an instant peer group of socially inept gay men would do that for some guys) and the other half gets paranoid and awkward, worrying about who's suddenly about to "catch gayness" (with a lot of "please don't let it me"). Also paranoia about guys suddenly coming onto them, and the fear that other people on the ship will think the Celibates are all gay (although I don't imagine the rest of the ship would actually notice or care).

It could be epic.

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

And it might have happened too, if not for that pesky drive-plate incident...

Uh-oh...

VIII???

[roadstergal.livejournal.com]

I dare you.

[(Anonymous)]

Rimmer actually got some, with women, in VIII, which would presumably get him kicked out of the celibate club. Then he got thrown in prison, where he'd almost certainly have a whole different kind of paranoia about possible homosexuality.

Maybe it was pre-series and watching the "outbreak of gay" (I'm absolutely convinced Rimmer would see homosexuality as contagious) is part of what led to him and Yvonne MacGruder? Like she was a bit concussed and coming onto him obviously enough for him not to miss (which since the only other time that's happened is Nirvanah's "Would you like to have sex?", that would be pretty obvious). And he'd have the need to prove his heterosexuality coupled with the ready opportunity.

On an unrelated note, I just started picturing Rimmer's heterosexuality as an independent entity. Like in Confidence and Paranoia. His heterosexuality (rather tense and twitchy) and the thing that he refuses to even put a name on because it can't possibly exist (with the feather boa). I don't know why, but that made me laugh.

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

Oh, those are excellent ideas! Do you write? Perhaps you should! :D

I already have a plot good and ready though... ;)

[(Anonymous)]

Thought about it. I've done Doctor Who stuff, and I keep plotting this mad epic crossover that takes place after Only The Good and before Smith and Jones, where the Doctor rescues Rimmer from the ship and eventually (when Rimmer lets it slip about the others) winds up going back for everyone else. It's a bit silly (with three different Rimmers; Arnold, Ace, and Squirrel), but it might be worth it for the moment where Lister's standing in the TARDIS, all "What the smeg is going on?" and Rimmer turns around with a huge grin on his face and says, "Aliens!"

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

Oh yes, please!! :D

*cheerleads hopefully*

[randysugardandy.livejournal.com]

oh man you HAVE to write that, i shall give you a life supply of cookie and bunnies for that. and my freedom. you can keep me as a pet. BUT U HAVE TO WRITE THAT XD

(the fact that i sound this mad is possibly for the amazing images of super camp rimmer jumping lister...)

[roadstergal.livejournal.com]

*reads post*

It could be epic.

You ain't just whistling Dixie!

[zekkass.livejournal.com]

Creepy, yet brilliant. You have Rimmer down so perfectly, and his speech is so him..

*goes back to reread*

[roadstergal.livejournal.com]

Aww, thank you!

Yes, I always found the very idea of the Society to be terribly creepy. Can you imagine bunking with a member (ahem) of that group?

[zekkass.livejournal.com]

D:

I can now...*shakes head*

[randysugardandy.livejournal.com]

im very creeped out, thats so rimmer as well XD. and being a (deranged) yaoifangirl..i shall reserve any opinion on the closet homo celebates.

SHAG EM!

sorry...