Fic - Perk Of The Job

[sunny-bexster.livejournal.com]

Title: Perk Of The Job
Pairing: Lister/Hollister (cowers)   
Rating: PG (to be safe)
Notes: I'm sick and very very sorry...

More notes: I've no idea where this came from...seriously, it just sprung fullyformed from my head to the laptop and somehow I ended up posting it...In a weird way, I quite like it. I promise to write more...appeasing slash next time....sorry once more! 

 “You wanted to see me, Captain?” said Lister, more of a statement than a question as he sidled into the room, the usual manifestation of scruffiness.

Hollister smiled, his eyes drowning underneath two waves of excess cheek flesh as they flowed earwards. “Yes I did, please take a seat”

Seating himself opposite Hollister's desk Lister couldn't help but feel a little anxious. He was hardly ever asked to see the Captain alone - that was not to say he hardly found himself in front of Hollister – Lister often found himself dragged up to his office by Rimmer in the hopes of a severe reprimand.

In fact, the only time Lister had been here on his own was once when he first started with the Corps and was required to place his untidy, barely literate scrawl for a signature on some important documents (National Insurance, Wills, Health and Safety Agreements) which were promptly filed in the wastepaper bin.

Hollister squeezed his copious figure behind the desk, spent several seconds rearranging some randomly placed papers on his desk before eventually glancing up at Lister. He was still wearing the same enigmatic grin that by now had started to unnerve the only other occupant of the room.

“I erm...” he started before his eyes darted back down to the desk “I expect your wondering why I've brought you here”

“Rimmer did it” said Lister immediately, keeping his face a careful picture of undiluted innocence.

“Rimmer did what?” asked Hollister, clearly thrown by this statement “What's he done now?”

“Sorry, I thought I was in trouble for somethin', so I figured it'd be best to pin the blame on Rimmer y'know”

Yes. Hollister did know. The number of reports he'd read that simply concluded that 'Rimmer did it' was staggeringly high, it didn't matter that Rimmer was nowhere near the event in question at the time or even that the individuals involved had never actually met the infamous technician was completely irrelevant. As far as most of the crew were concerned, if something went wrong it was quite clearly Rimmer's fault.

The Captain took a deep breath and continued with smiling “No, you're not in trouble” the grin doubled in size, seeing as it had plenty of room to spread out “Quite the opposite in fact...”

Lister's eyebrows began to scale his forehead with astonishing speed. To be in trouble he expected, it was part of his nature, a crucial ingredient in his lovable rogue persona...but to be in someones good books? That had to be a mistake, surely!

“Sir?”

Hollister coughed discreetly and lumbered to his feet, “The reason I called you here today Lister is...” he strolled casually round the desk and then further still so he was now stood directly behind Lister's chair “Well, it's a rather delicate subject”

“Oh” was all he got in return

“The thing is-” The Captains hand began to sneak forward, its fingers mere inches away from making contact with Lister's khaki clad shoulder but at the last second he stopped himself “I...I heard you and Ms Kochanski split up”

Lister physically deflated at the mention of his ex's name “Yeah” he mumbled,

“And in my professional capacity as Captain, it's my duty to intervene if you will, when an issue like this starts to affect the general running of the ship”

Failing to see how his recent breakup could possible affect the day-to-day lives of over thousand people and their mission to lumber their way through the universe, Lister turned around “Eh?”

“Wonderful accent by the way” beamed Hollister, “Did I ever tell you how much I love the way you talk?”

“No” said Lister warily, shaking his head.

“Whatcha call it again? Scoose?” said the Captain, suddenly aware at how warm the room was and how his collar now felt like a chokehold.

“Scouse”

“Scouse. Lovely” he stopped for a second or two “And hey, have you ever noticed how the last part of my last name is your last name.” He waited for Lister to stop looking blank, waiting for the second when he would realize there was indeed a Lister in Hollister.

“Oh yeah....never noticed that” he said quietly.

The pair lapsed into a silence, a decidedly awkward one for the both of them. Eventually Lister spoke “Sir, is there actually a reason you brought me here?” He was desperate to slip away, something about Hollister was scaring him – he couldn't quite decide if it was the constant grinning, the unnecessary small talk or the way he was looming above him – with hindsight, it was probably a combination of all three.

Hollister licked his lips nervously “Lock” he called over his shoulder and the door slid shut and bolted itself carefully to the wall, sealing them inside.

It was then that Lister got really worried, in fact just when he thought this was perhaps the most worried he'd ever been in his entire life, the Captain hands found their way onto his shoulders, his thumbs rubbing little circles into the fabric. “Mmm, you feel tense” he said casually, his fingers massaging the knotted sinews of Lister's shoulders as he sat, rigid with panic.

Scrambling out of the chair Lister suddenly found himself grabbed by the waist and hurled backwards into Hollister's outstretched arms. He caught the younger man in a vice like grip, pinning him to his chest like a badge. Several seconds passed by, elongating out into what seemed like several consecutive ice ages before finally Hollister spoke “You have gorgeous eyes”

Lister knew he wasn't that clever, but when you're being bear hugged to death by an overweight American starship pilot with a short temper and a seemingly insatiable appetite he knew it'd be best to accept the compliment without any fuss. Heck, why not return the compliment?

“Thank you” he said, hoping he'd be heard over the sound of ribs cracking “you have lovely...ears”

The Captain let Lister slip the floor but kept him as close as he could, “I need you” he said, a note of seriousness in his voice mingled with lust and just a little sprinkling of insanity, as if desire had driven him crazy.

“M-me? Whatcha want me for?” asked Lister, trying to edge backwards only to stumble into the desk. Technically, he already knew the answer but there was no way in hell he'd ever admit to himself that the Captain wanted to use him for wild, passionate Dough Boy Sex!

“Isn't it obvious” whispered Hollister, his body forcing Lister physically onto the desk where he perched like some startled parrot “I want you and me to be together”

“I'm not sure we're quite right for each other” said Lister, as amicably as possible so not to offend the man,

“Oh but we are” said the Captain his hands running up and down the technicians thigh in what he thought was a provocative manner.

“Trust me man” snapped Lister, too throughly freaked out to care about the consequences “We are not meant to be, I'm not that kinda boy for a start!”

“And were you and Kochanski meant to be then?” asked Hollister, not even bothering to disguise the mocking tone in his voice, he smirked as Lister struggled to think of a comeback.

“That's got nothin' to do with you! You don't know anythin' about it....”

“Oh but I do” cooed Hollister, idly making his fingers tiptoe their way towards Lister's crotch “You see Ms Kochanski and her newly reinstated boyfriend Tim are regular attenders to my Officers Dinners, I've heard every single detail, boy” his grin flickered into something slightly more sympathetic “She used you”

“No, no she didn't” said Lister,

“She used you to get back at Tim”

“Shut up! You don't know what you're talkin' about...”

“She only went out with you because she knew how much it'd make his blood boil – face it darhlin'” he drawled, “your entire relationship was one big ugly act of revenge!”

Realization struck Lister squarely between the eyes, the office around him melted away as he was sucked into a world of regret and misery, where the truth was both bitter and overpriced.

“She did use me...” he mumbled, feeling more dejected and alone than anyone had ever felt ever.

“She just didn't deserve you” said Hollister, sensing weaknesses in Lister's defences “A nice caring, handsome young lad like you, you're way too good for her!”

Lister began to quietly mull this concept over as Hollister's arm sneaked its away around his waist, drawing him ever closer “Come on” the Captain whispered in his ear “I'll treat you the way you deserve to be treated – you're gorgeous and I want you”

Drawing backwards, Lister raised an eyebrow “you really like me, don't you?”

Hollister smirked and gave a little chuckle “I think the answer to your question lies with where my hand is right now” it was resting on the waistband of Lister's combats, nestled against the small of his back.

Lister's eyes darted from Hollister's eagerly expectant face to the door that lay several meters away, still locked. Problem was that some insanely stupid part of his brain had just realized how funny this all was – here was Hollister, the Captain of the ship begging him, the third technician, superior only to nicotine addicted lab rats, for sex!

Now there's some screwed up hierarchy for you!

“I shouldn't be doin' this...” mumbled Lister as Hollister hands delved deeper into his clothing.

In the weeks that followed Lister's fall from grace and straight into the world of executive relief and office liaisons, he'd convinced himself that it had all been a rather bad dream. Obviously, he hadn't had sex with Hollister right there on the desk – that would just be weird!

He could have happily carried this belief with him for the rest of his life had it not been for the post that arrived one morning. As usual Rimmer made a great show of sorting through the mail, reading out his full name, address and crew member number with every new letter. He stopped when he reached an official looking envelope addressed not to him, but to Lister.

“Courts summons Listy?” he sniggered, turning the letter over in his hands “Or perhaps you're being deported back to the swamp you can squirming out of” He ripped the letter open and began to read aloud “Dear Mr David Lister – notice how you don't have a middle name, I never trust people without middle names, very dishonest!”

Lister merely shook his head and concentrated on his coffee, not the most interesting thing in existence but it beat Rimmer handle down every time.

As Rimmer began to read the letter his face slowly emptied of all colour, eyes widening in a manic matter. He began to fervently re-read the opening lines, as if he were trying to change their content just by looking at them, “No!” he choked “This – this can't be right!”

“What?” asked Lister, for the first time in his life discarding his coffee in favour of Rimmer “What is it?”

“This is wrong!” he wailed “Wrong wrong wrong!” he wheeled around to face Lister, frowning so fiercely his eyebrows were perched atop his lips “What could you have done that I didn't?”

“What?”

“How could this have happened? To you of all people?”

“Rimmer just tell me whats up! Have I been fired? I've been fired aint I?”

“Fired!” laughed Rimmer bitterly, “That's not likely is it, not now at least...”

Lister blinked in mild surprise “What d'you mean by that?"

Rimmer fixed him with another angry glower, he thrust the letter at Lister before crossing his arms in a sulky manner. Lister quickly skim-read the letter, feeling the confusion and the incredulity raising with each passing sentence. When he'd finished he looked weakly towards Rimmer, in hopes that his bunkmate would be able to straighten things out “This...this can't be right” he said,

“Oh it is” said Rimmer bitterly “You've been promoted – can't imagine why...”

Comments

[laurenthemself]

Yuck!

Very yuck!

Well-written, but *twitch* scary scary pairing...

[sunny-bexster.livejournal.com]

*sobs* I know, I know...so sorry!

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

*closes eyes and hides underneath the couch*

This is the universe's way of getting back at me for writing that Rimmer/Hollister last year, isn't it? I knew it would come back to get me in the end! *whimpers*

So well written, but eeeeeeeh! Oh, and you have an excellent Lister-voice. Which only makes it worse, really.

“Thank you” he said, hoping he'd be heard over the sound of ribs cracking “you have lovely...ears”
This made me laugh out loud.

*hides again*

[smaych.livejournal.com]

So many good lines in this!

“Rimmer did it” said Lister immediately, keeping his face a careful picture of undiluted innocence.

This made me laugh!

“She did use me...” he mumbled, feeling more dejected and alone than anyone had ever felt ever.

This is so Lister, thinking he has a monopoly on feeling lonely and miserable. Why is that so cute and pathetic? :)

“Dear Mr David Lister – notice how you don't have a middle name, I never trust people without middle names, very dishonest!”

I heart Rimmer so much.

Well done, this was fab!

[zombie-kitty666.livejournal.com]

I did a BAD thing - I came back to read this in full after seeing the snippets you left on msn the other night...Shockingly I'm also slightly pissed...and by slightly pissed i mean two Barcardi Breezers and...2 and a half...no 2 and 3 quarter largers pissed... the happy slash you promised better be really good...heh...happy slash...ooooh yeah! put instant chocolate pudding in fridge to set earlier...

[queen-fiend.livejournal.com]

The idea of Hollister coming on to Lister is quite disturbing... :S

But I really enjoyed this fic...it's great writing. :)

“Thank you” he said, hoping he'd be heard over the sound of ribs cracking “you have lovely...ears” I think this is my favourite line.