Fic: Shadow of his Former Self - PG-13

[smaych.livejournal.com]

Title: Shadow of his Former Self
Pairing: Lister/Rimmer
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't own Red Dwarf or make any money.
Spoilers: Legion
Notes: This was inspired totally by kahvi, and is therefore dedicated to her.



When the hologram known as Rimmer first came into existence he knew what he was. He was photons and complex programming, a set of personality algorithms projected like a 3 D slide show. Despite knowing this perfectly well he spent a long time back then trying to come to grips with it, pushing his fingers through tables and walls and sleeping bunkmates to feel that small, strange tickle, like the ghost of pins and needles, that fizzed at the contact.

He discovered that he could have Holly change the way he looked. He spent a secret afternoon trying different bodies, hairstyles, even faces. He made himself buffer, bigger, his hair less sticky-outy and his nostrils less flared. The result was devilishly handsome, if he did say so himself – but at the sound of Lister's footsteps approaching he instantly changed back, feeling ridiculous and pathetic, as if he'd nearly been caught trying on his mother's shoes.

One day when arguing with Lister in the drive room he'd leant against the wall and been too distracted to notice he'd overshot it and his hand was lost somewhere behind the ocean grey paintwork. He realised that there was a power cable behind there intersecting his wrist. He could feel it. The electricity pulsed vrrmm vrrmm vrrmm, like a heartbeat. He pulled back, and experimentally moved his fingers along the edges of the electromagnetic field, feeling it lick softly at his skin. It was different to how he remembered touch being, more subtle, indescribable. But it was touch nonetheless. His mouth fell open. He noticed that Lister had stopped talking and was staring at his face. He swallowed. Lister took a step towards him, and he stood upright quickly and stalked from the room, ignoring the quiet “Rimmer...” that followed him.

After that he was careful not to let Lister catch him running his hands through circuit panels, or tracing cables along corridors, the same breathless, hungry look on his face. Sometimes he would stick his tongue out through a thin wire and it would almost hurt. After a while he knew the ship like a circuit diagram.


When the hologram known as Rimmer first came into existence he knew what he was not. He was not, never had been and never would be, human. When Lister patronisingly treated him like he was, it only reminded him of this.

Being hard light also reminded him. Although he had the memories of smell and touch and taste this was, technically, the first time he had experienced them first hand. After so many years of sensory deprivation he found it was the smell that took him longest to adapt to. Beer. Vindaloo. Cat. Oil. Bleach. Sweat. After a single day back on Starbug he wound up on his knees retching in the shower until, sobbing embarrassingly, he reverted back to soft light feeling like a total failure.

One day, out of the blue, Lister asked him about it.

“Why aren't you hard all the time?”

And Rimmer nearly choked on his own tongue.


The hologram known as Rimmer knows what he is. Even now, in his hard light body, he feels the old electrical fizz from Lister's touch on his hands and his tongue and his skin. It burns.

Comments

[laurenthemself]

Awww. Wow.

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that was my immediate reaction too.

[smaych.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I can't believe I made someone "wow" :)

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

Thank you, dear, for the dedication, and for writing and posting this. It really is a pleasure to read, for many reasons. First of all, you're a talented writer. You're good with poetic imagery, which is hardly surprising, given that you're a poet. ;) But you also have the rare gift of being able to portray Rimmer accurately, and actually manage the feat of making him vulnerable without being an apologist or making exuses for him. (He does that well enough himself.) It's so interesting to see your version of him; so unique, yet utterly IC!

It's all good, just... all of it. I would point out highlights, but I'd just end up quoting the entire thing. The way he hides from Lister - the idea of the electric touch (mind if I reference that in my and roadstergal's WIP? Assuming she likes the idea? ); the rythm of the story, the OMFGlastline!! So lovely. More, plz.

[smaych.livejournal.com]

Thank you for this. I really enjoyed writing this story, but I was scared it wasn't any good. I was mainly worried that I was making Rimmer out to be too tragic. I wanted it to be quite intimate though. I'm so glad you think it's in character!

And yeah, you can use the electric touch idea. I got that from thinking about holo-whips actually lol.

The last line got stuck in my head from a Carol Ann Duffy poem called Warming Her Pearls. The bit of the poem that stuck goes:

All night / I feel their absence and I burn.

I think the idea of feeling the absence of something really made me think of Rimmer. God, how sad is that?

[sunny-bexster.livejournal.com]

Awwwww - poor Rimmer.

I love it when people combine science and Red Dwarf - don't ask me why, numerous writers have fused together physics and fan fiction...and it always makes sense and is always good...

:D

[smaych.livejournal.com]

Well, I studied nuclear astrophysics for 4 years... Having said that, I now own a pet shop so I never use it and I'm very rusty.

Thanks for the comment :) I'm glad you think it worked!

[iris-summers.livejournal.com]

Oh poor Rimsy... I love the idea of exploring Rimmer's soft/hard light differences, and how strange/wonderful/terrible it would be, suddenly being to feel and touch and taste something *real* after so long. The last line was fantastic. So poignant, and it could read in lots of different ways. Great job!

[smaych.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I like the soft/hard thing too. I think it's a massive concept to wrap one's head around. What would it be like not to be able to feel anything?

Thanks for the comment, glad you liked :)

[afullmargin.livejournal.com]

Wow, all I can really do is add to what's already been said. Very well done. I think you've done a beautiful job of capturing that unique tragic concept that is Rimmer.

Thank you very much for sharing. :)

[erinptah]

Sometimes he would stick his tongue out through a thin wire and it would almost hurt.

Oh, wow.

This is poetic and evocative and ultimately sweet and I love it.

[typhonblue.livejournal.com]

"When the hologram known as Rimmer first came into existence he knew what he was not. He was not, never had been and never would be, human. When Lister patronisingly treated him like he was, it only reminded him of this."

This line is so haunting. Still feeling shivery.

[queen-fiend.livejournal.com]

Wow. Rimmer being able to feel other electrical things is a really interesting concept. This is such great writing...it's so in-character.

[ldhenson.livejournal.com]

This is haunting and lovely; I really like the way you've structured it. What's best is how visceral your descriptions are; not just what you've chosen to describe (Rimmer following the ship's power cables and circuits, his breakdown in the shower) but the way you describe them as well.