reddwarfslash | Shadow & Thought

I was watching LOTR for the millionth time the other night and for some reason this line just caught in my head and triggered a fic. Thank you Mr Tolkien and thank you lovely, lovely Aragorn....*sigh* Oh how I wish I had enough imagination to write a Dwarf/Rings Xover that wouldn't be thoroughly ridiculous...

Shadow and Thought – Rated PG

‘It is but a shadow and a thought that you love. I cannot give you what you seek.’ – Aragorn; The Lord of the Rings.

It’s all Ace’s fault. I know if I voiced this opinion you’d immediately leap to his defence, reminding me how he saved us all and telling me how grateful I should be towards that intolerable bastard. I know you’ve never been able to understand my loathing for the man. You view the universe in a very different way than I do and I don’t suppose that will ever change. You try to see the best in everyone – I’ve watched you try to appeal to a simulant’s better nature, for smeg’s sake. You may call it optimism if you like; I call it delusional.

Before Ace came you were never deluded about me. You knew me for what I was – a cowardly, snivelling weasel. You knew it, accepted it and forgave it, as is your soft-hearted way. You pitied me more than you despised me. That all changed when he showed up. Suddenly you weren’t willing to accept old Arnie J. for who he was anymore. Oh no, you were convinced that you’d finally seen the best in me and that it was far, far better than you’d been led to expect. I see you looking at me with frustration now as if I’m just not trying hard enough. Thanks to that spaniel-haired nonce you’ve got it into your head that there’s a hero buried somewhere inside me, which is quite frankly claptrap.

You’ve never been able to understand that Ace only got where he is through the smeggy luck of the draw. You were too busy admiring the sun shining out of his stupid lurex-clad backside to realise that it’s not about who he is, it’s about what he had – which is everything that I didn’t. Including those hair straighteners I always wanted. I suppose I could find a pair somewhere on the ship, but it’s too late for that now. I’d just end up with you and your pussy pal sniggering at me, thinking that I’m trying to look like Ace and judging me as a poor imitation of my own self. You don’t seem to be able to accept the fact that I don’t want to be Ace. I just want to be me – a me I can live with. A me that you could...well, no point dwelling on that, is there?

But being you, you just have to keep on hoping, don’t you? Every time we’re in a tight spot I see you watching me, wondering if this will be the day, waiting for him to burst out in all his heroic glory and save us. Well, it’s not going to happen. He’s not in here, miladdo, he never was; and gazing at me with those big, hopeful brown eyes isn’t going to draw him out.

Before he came along you had come to terms with what I was. Perhaps in time I could have too. I used to see a gentle tolerance in your face when you looked my way. I was content with that; it meant I could believe that in time it might be something more. Now what I see fills me with bile because I know in my heart how misguided you are. Always the romantic fool, you’ve fallen in love with the idea that deep down I’m somebody like him;and that is something I can never overcome. Now I will never be good enough for either of us. He walked into our lives and ruined everything with a smile and a flick of his hair.

I can’t be the man you want me to be. I can’t live up to the quiet belief I feel emanating from you each day that somewhere inside me is a person worth loving. I don’t have it in me to give you what you need in this lonely, god-forsaken, empty universe.

And I hate him. I hate him so much.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

smaych.livejournal.com

Oh I liked this! Which, I have to say, I wasn't expecting because I was thinking it would have a strong LOTR influence, which I couldn't see working.

You may call it optimism if you like; I call it delusional.

I like this line :)

I see you looking at me with frustration now as if I’m just not trying hard enough.

This one too!

The one little thing I didn't like was the hair straighteners - I can't see Rimmer wanting to straighten his hair, and anyways he's not got enough of it. In fact, I can see him not even knowing what hair straighteners are. (Lol, and that Ace has quite the opposite of a straight haircut).

That's a minor thing though, overall I thought it was really in character and I enjoyed it - thanks for writing it!

hazeltea.livejournal.com

This was spot on, I could hear Rimmer's voice in my head. Great job! On the down side, I am left wanting to give him a hug lol.

eastpath.livejournal.com

This was really good... at first I too was expecting a LOTR thing, but I'm very happy with what I read... I like the take that Rimmer had on Ace.. Super enjoyed...