Comfort is a Bitter Thing
Aug. 7th, 2005 10:43 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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reddwarfslashTitle: Comfort is a Bitter Thing
Summary: Set after the S5 episode ‘Demons and Angels’. Lister relives his nightmare on the ‘Low’ Red Dwarf, showing Cat that his own fun with the implant was more serious than was previously anticipated.
Rating: PG-13
Author: Ellie ET
Warnings: Slash. Spoilers for ‘Demons and Angels.’
Disclaimer: I own two RD DVDS, four tapes of recorded episodes and the Smeg-Ups tape. Nothing else.
The Cat sighed half-heartedly as he jabbed at the no-longer-working implant control. Shrugging, he placed it on the cabin table and then stepped back, stretching at his ease.
“Oh, well. It was fun while it lasted.” He grinned at Rimmer, who was looking slightly down-trodden, and then glanced across the cabin at where Kryten was trying to pull the spinal implant out of Lister’s back. Lister was panting heavily; he was leaning over, hands on his knees, and his gaze was fixed to the floor as Kryten finally pulled the implant out with a cry of triumph, and allowed Lister to straighten up.
“Are you alright, sir?” he asked.
“I’m gonna have a shower,” Lister murmured, shakily stepping back a few paces, adapting to the use of his own arms and legs again. “And when I come out, I want to see these two guys,” he gestured at Cat and Rimmer, “out of here.” At his words, the feline and the hologram both started protesting simultaneously.
“Hang on - ”
“What’re you blaming me for?”
“Just – out.” Lister held up both his hands and stepped back a few feet more. As he approached the opposite wall, a slight shadow started to fall over his face from where the cabin lights had previously highlighted his features. Now that he wasn’t standing under a bulb, Lister’s eyes seemed to shine as he stood in his dark corner; almost shimmer, practically glow. Cat felt his eyes widen almost of their own accord.
Lister was crying.
“Get out,” the human repeated. Although he was speaking to both of them, his eyes were trained on Rimmer; he didn’t seem to want to look at Cat. “Just go, guys.” His voice began to shake, betraying his rapidly-brimming eyes. When neither Cat nor Rimmer moved, he turned to the mechanoid, who was standing awkwardly by in the hope of receiving instructions.
“Kryten, get them out.”
“Of course, sir,” Kryten looked torn between staying to console Lister, or getting rid of the two people who were the apparant reason for Lister’s growing distress. Eager to follow orders, though, the mechanoid opted to make his way towards Cat and Rimmer and usher the stunned pair from the room.
“Now, come on, sirs, Mr. Lister’s seen enough for one day – and for your information, I’ve destroyed the chip.” Kryten held out an open palm to show something to the feline and hologram as he shooed them out the door; Lister couldn’t see what was inside it from his spot on the other side of the room, but guessed it was the implant that Kryten had presumably crushed in his hand.
“I’ll bring you some tea, sir,” Kryten offered over his shoulder, as he finally succeeded in pushing Cat and Rimmer into the hallway and out of sight.
“Cheers, Kryt.” Lister rubbed his eyes as he sat down on Rimmer’s bunk, reaching for the pillow without looking at it. Kryten frowned worriedly.
“Sir – a shower will help you unwind a bit; enable you to relax from the days’ events,” the mechanoid offered. “I know – how about I bring you a curry?”
Lister shook his head. “Nah, thanks, Kryten. Maybe later.” At the stunned look on the mechanoid’s face, he added, “Sounds crazy, but there are some things curry can’t cure.” He smiled wryly, but the smile didn’t reach his reddening eyes. His tone of voice sounded sour, tired, and Kryten decided to leave before any more damage was done. However, before walking out the door, he picked the implant controls up from the table. Lister followed his movements and stared up at Kryten in wide-eyed horror as the mechanoid studied the controls.
“No, no, no, don’t worry, sir,” Kryten said quickly, noticing Lister’s expression. “I’m just checking it, to ensure it can do no more damage. Anyway, the implant is gone, so you’re safe. But if it makes you feel better, I’ll get rid of this. See you very soon, sir.” With a brief, cheerful smile, the mechanoid turned and left the cabin, leaving Lister alone.
Lister squeezed Rimmer’s pillow, then remembering whose it was, put it down again. He quickly got up from the hologram’s bunk and then climbed the ladder up to his own one. Curling up on top of his blanket, he suddenly acknowledged how cold and resigned he felt.
He wasn’t angry with Cat, not really. He could have predicted this happening, but that didn’t make him feel any better, didn’t help him to feel any more secure. For five hours he had been forced to humiliate himself for Cat’s ends; slapping his face, dancing, jumping… It had been a relief when the chip finally wore off between Cat’s vigorous use and Rimmer’s eager instructions. The truth was, the feline didn’t have to do it, didn’t have to take over complete control of Lister’s body, didn’t have to intimidate him the way he had. But all those things had happened, and it caused Lister to question his friendships; caused him to bring into account the fact that now, he didn’t quite know whom to trust.
Lister sighed, and curled up even further. It suddenly occurred to him that if he fell asleep like this, he could have terrible cramp in his legs and arms in the morning.
Well, the human thought soberly, I guess it wouldn’t matter after today. I don’t feel safe in my own body anyway.
*
“Sir, would you please listen to me for one second?”
Cat held up a hand, silencing the mechanoid, but didn’t turn around to face him. “Don’t blame me; I was just having fun!”
“Fun, sir?!” the mechanoid exclaimed, staring at him. “Do you have any idea what that ‘fun’ has turned Mr. Lister into?”
Cat stared at him dryly. “Do I really wanna know?”
“Sir, he’s hugging pillows; he reacted so violently when I picked those controls up – he’s even refusing to eat curry!” the mechanoid practically shouted. For the first time, Cat frowned.
“What? Are you serious?”
“Sir, your actions today involving the chip have affected him deeply. Naturally, I had to destroy those controls straight away, so I broke the parts up and then put them in the Waste Disposal.”
“Where is he now?” Cat asked, ignoring Kryten’s last statement.
“Mr. Lister?” At a nod from the feline, Kryten replied, “Er, still in the cabin, I believe, but he’ll want some time to himself. Why?”
“No reason.” Cat shrugged. Kryten’s eyes narrowed; on seeing them, Cat hurriedly held up both palms.
“Before your zoom-function hallucinates Marilyn Mondroid and you go completely crazy, let me tell you I don’t wanna hurt him,” he snapped. “I just wanna see him. That’s all.” Glancing at the clock that was hanging on the wall, he added, “If he really wants to be alone, I’ll give him a while.”
Kryten frowned worriedly. “Are you sure this is wise, sir? I’ve taken him some tea, but I think he would value some time on his own.”
“Look, just give me a try,” Cat insisted. “I’ll give him an hour or so by himself, then go and see him. Oh, and I don’t want Goalpost-Head barging in, OK, bud?”
“As you wish, sir. It’s your boat, not mine.”
Cat rolled his eyes as the mechanoid turned and headed for the lifts, predictably going down to the laundry-room to do some laundry. Then he glanced at the clock again.
Maybe I can rearrange at least half my wardrobe while I’m waiting…Cat sighed and headed for his own cabin. Killing time had never been one of his favourite hobbies.
*
“… So then the senile computer says to the intelligent computer, that was no desklamp, that was my chess partner!” Holly grinned down at Lister from the cabin monitor. Lister applauded half-heartedly.
“Bravo, Hol. Brilliant. Now, are you gonna leave me alone?”
“Hang about; I’ve got one more.”
Lister groaned. “Holly! As much as I appreciate you trying to cheer me up, we’ve been doing this for the last half-hour.”
“I only want to help you feel better. And anyway, you were in the shower for ages.”
“Yeah, because no-one seems to leave me alone!” Lister snapped, rather harshly. “You saw what happened today! I just wanted some time to myself, even if it does happen to be under a water-spray.”
Holly sighed. “Are you really upset?”
“No. Well, OK, maybe just a bit.” Lister shrugged. “I just wish they could have been a bit more – I dunno – thoughtful.” In truth, there was so much more to it than that, but to go into details with a computer of doubtful intelligence just didn’t seem to be the right step to take, at least to the human.
At that precise moment, there was a knock on the door and a voice called to Lister. “Hey, bud. Can I come in?”
“Here’s your chance to find out,” Holly offered. “Anyway, better go; the Skutters are having a game of squash on B-deck, and I’m keeping the score.” With that, she disappeared from the monitor. At the same time, the door opened up. Lister glanced over from atop his bunk as Cat came into the room. He then started inspecting his fingernails, determined not to make eye-contact. He didn’t want this, not at the moment.
“Hi, bud,” Cat tried.
“What do you want?” Lister asked quietly.
“Kryten said you weren’t up to scratch. Figured I’d come and see you.”
Lister glanced at him. “Well, you’ve seen me now, so goodnight.”
Cat opened his mouth wordlessly. Then he closed it again and sat in the bottom bunk. Lister raised his eyes to the heavens, and then pointedly lay back down on his blanket, hoping that the feline would leave. He heard Cat sigh from below.
“Come on, buddy. Talk to me.”
Silence.
“The least you could do is talk to me. We’re buds, right?”
“Yeah. That’s what I thought too,” Lister responded sharply. Cat felt something really tight squeeze his chest from the inside.
“Look, just go away, Cat, OK?” Lister added. “I’m tired, and I just want to rest. Do me a favour, and leave me alone. You owe me that much.”
“For cries’ sake…” Cat stood up, climbed the ladder in one swift movement and then promptly sat on Lister’s legs.
“Just listen to me for a moment,” Cat said, making himself heard over Lister’s cries of protest. “I don’t want us on rocky ground; you don’t need to act like a total smeghead.”
“Then why did you fix that implant and try and control me?”
Cat shrugged. “I was just having a bit of fun.”
“Fun!” Lister snapped, and Cat almost screamed in frustration. Not this again…!
But if he was going to start shouting at Cat, something held Lister back. Cat watched curiously as his friend quickly lowered his head and wiped frantically at his eyes.
“What’s wrong?” Cat asked, although he had a feeling he already knew.
“Nothing. I’m fine.” Lister raised his head again, and scowled. “Listen, you. ‘Fun’ gave me this reddening bruise on my face.” He gestured at his right cheek, the result of all the slapping that Cat had forced on him. “ ‘Fun’ was dancing on the spot for you, and every time I think about it I cringe. ‘Fun’ was jumping up and down for ten minutes at a time, and I kept asking you to stop, but you didn’t!” Lister’s voice started to crack. Cat blinked again, a loss at what to say. Then he spotted something he hadn’t seen before – an open wound just above Lister’s mouth. It was something he had paid little attention to before, but now he noticed that the scar was starting to bleed afresh.
“Hey, bud. Your face needs a clean.” He took a small compact mirror out of his breast pocket and handed it to Lister. Opening it up, Lister blinked at his reflection, and then cringed as he saw the weeping blood on his face.
“Great. Just great.” Getting off the bed, he jumped back down to the floor and made his way over to the tap. Picking up a clean cloth from the rack, he ran it under the cold water and set to work on treating the bruise.
“Go on, Cat,” he said over his shoulder. “You’d better leave.”
Cat jumped down from the bunk and approached him. “Who did that to you?”
“Good night, Cat.”
“No, seriously. Who did that to you?”
“It doesn’t matter.” Lister turned to face him, holding the damp cloth to the cut. But he could tell that Cat was putting two and two together, and when the feline spoke, it was with an uneasy facial expression.
“Was it – y’know – the ‘Low’ dudes?”
“Yes, it was,” Lister sighed, throwing the cloth down violently. “There; you’ve got your information, now you can go.” He inspected his face closely in the mirror over the sink; the blood was beginning to clot. As he continued to gently dab at it, Lister noticed that Cat was still behind him, standing, staring.
“Go, Cat.”
Cat came and stood next to him, leaning against the sideboard. “You really don’t want to speak to me, do you?”
Lister stared at the feline’s reflection in the mirror. “I just want some time alone.”
“I just want answers, but I’m not getting any. Now, how did this happen?”
Lister threw the cloth into the sink and Cat followed him back to the bunk. Lister collapsed in Rimmer’s empty bed, and he looked surprised when Cat sat down next to him.
“OK, you win,” Lister sighed. “They controlled me with the implant. They made me pour boiling hot water all over meself. They gave me this scar when they made me close a cabinet door on my nose. They forced me to eat a tarantula. Then they gagged me, gave me a knife and sent me on a killing spree.”
“A tarantula?” Cat repeated, looking disgusted. “They made you eat a tarantula?”
“Don’t remind me,” Lister said, glancing at the ceiling. “It was horrible.”
“I’ll bet it was,” Cat said, as he tried to get his head around everything the human was saying to him. There was an awkward silence between the two for a moment.
“Listen, buddy,” Cat tried. “If I’d known it was that bad – well, I wouldn’t’ve – it was just a bit of fun, bud. Y’know, for the whole killing thing – I didn’t want to upset you. I guess it just seemed OK because it seemed even – well, I’m sorry.”
Lister shrugged; he wasn’t in the mood to argue, and part of him was glad that Cat had apologised so quickly. “It’s alright. Just – if you ever find a gizmo like that again, don’t use me as a guinea-pig for it. Deal?” He gave Cat a slight smile, and then he stared at the opposite wall, smile fading.
“Whatcha thinking about?” Cat asked, glancing at him.
“I should’ve done something.” Lister’s voice was quiet; Cat could barely hear him, but he didn’t understand what Lister was implying anyway.
“What?”
“That’s the reason they died, isn’t it?” Lister murmured. “ ‘Cause I killed them.”
“You mean – the ‘High’ murders?” A faint nod was Cat’s only reply. The feline smiled nervously. “Buddy, you – you can’t say that.”
“You know it’s the truth.”
Cat’s smile faded and he shifted slightly closer to Lister. “Except it wasn’t really you – you were being controlled by those ‘Low’ dudes.”
“But I did it.” Lister glanced at him. “I could’ve done something, but I didn’t. I could’ve said no.”
Cat was a stranger to offering comfort. Normally, when Lister was down, he could bring something in to distract him; cheer him up. But even the feline knew that this was a more serious matter; this wasn’t a small interference that could be flicked away with the help of a wine-bottle or a game of Scrabble. Words were his only key. “Bud, from what I’ve seen, you couldn’t do anything with that implant in you,” he tried. “They must have had complete control of you.”
“But I still – “
“What’s the problem? It’s not like you wanted to do it,” Cat argued. “You were mumbling away under that gag until I tore it away.”
“I’m glad you did. Otherwise I might have killed you. And I wouldn’t have wanted to do anything like that.” Lister moaned and hung his head in his hands. “They didn’t understand. I tried to warn them, but they were going on about goodness and all that. I didn’t want to kill them. All that blood; those painful expressions – I did that.”
“For the last time, you were being controlled,” Cat said. “And technically, they weren’t really real, were they; they were us, and they were going to fade away at the end of an hour anyway.”
“Yeah, but they – they felt real. They ate, they drank, they felt pain – that’s alive.” Lister glanced at Cat and then added, “I’m sorry, Cat; I didn’t want to hurt you. I hated strangling you – I actually thought you were really gonna die, and what would I do then. If you hadn’t kneed me…”
“But you said at the time that it wasn’t your fault,” Cat frowned. “How come you’re so uptight now?”
“I’ve had time to think. And I don’t like what I’ve remembered.” Lister turned away from him, and fixed all his attention on the opposite wall again.
“I tried to kill you, y’know,” Cat pointed out, trying to cling on to something that would help his friend. “So technically, we’re even.”
“You tried to kill me once; I tried to kill you three times.”
Cat shrugged as he took a bold step. “That was why I was having fun with the implant – bit of playful revenge. Guess you could say I kinda went a bit too far, hm?” The feline smiled apologetically.
Lister glanced up at him. His eyes were starting to fill again.
“Why are you being so nice to me?” he asked, his suspicious tone clouded by his brimming tears.
Cat pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped Lister’s eyes in two gentle strokes. “Yeah, scary, isn’t it?”
“Slightly.”
“I owe you anyway, don’t I?” Cat grinned coaxingly at him. “And I know those killings weren’t your fault; you’re not a murderer. You haven’t got the heart for it – you’re a good guy.”
Lister smiled slightly, shakily. This time, it reached his eyes. “You think so?”
“Yeah. Anyway, I’m sorry about everything I’ve done – that includes the knee thing. Buds?” Cat held out a hand and Lister, his fingers quivering, shook it.
“Mates.” He smiled for a split-second; then his whole body seemed to shudder and he bowed his head and buried his face in his hands again. As his shoulders trembled, Cat heard muffled sobs emerging. He bit his lip.
“Oh man, you’re exhausted.”
“Their blood… that knife in my hand…” Lister was muttering in-between sobs. “I can’t believe – I just never thought I’d ever do that, whether I meant to or not.”
Cat squared his shoulders. “Right, I’m not too good at comforting crying people, but I’ll give it a try, OK, bud?”
He put an arm around Lister and gently pulled him towards his body. Lister, looking slightly mortified, rested his head on the feline’s shoulder all the same and awkwardly wrapped an arm around him. Cat slung an arm loosely across the human’s back, trying to ignore Lister’s heavy weight on his left arm all the while trying not to tug and damage Lister’s dreadlocks with his right hand. The two shared an uncomfortable embrace, and then half-pushed each other away while backing off of their own accord.
“Okay…” Lister murmured quietly. Cat nodded. “Yeah.”
“Well, it was a nice thought.” Lister met his eyes, his pupils carrying a hint of that old mischievous glint. “Thanks.”
He then put a hand on Cat’s shoulder and gestured him towards him. Cat shuffled over, half-pulled, half-voluntary and arranged himself into a kneeling position next to his friend on the bunk. He allowed Lister to wrap his arms around him as he rested his head on his friend’s shoulder, placing his own arms around Lister’s middle.
Maybe, he thought, after a person’s first awkward encounter, things gradually got better. This was certainly proof of that statement. Maybe it was just looking at it from a virgin’s point of view, but the heat of Lister’s body, so close to Cat’s, was indescribable. It was as if Lister contained some kind of unlimited power-source that could not be traced, but was known to be existent inside the skin. It was this that made the embrace, in all honesty, warm.
And comfortable.
And… and…
And, so was the kiss. Lister was, Cat realised straight away, a great kisser, a slight problem by comparison, but the human knew to press his lips gently against Cat’s without the full use of his tongue, knew to give Cat enough room to breathe and didn’t seem to mind that Cat didn’t know exactly what to do. Just proves my point, I guess, Cat thought vaguely, that heart of his is so big, it could easily cloak the whole Atlantic.
The kiss ended just as soon as it began. Lister pulled away slightly, and Cat opened his eyes; he didn’t even realise he had them shut. He stared up at Lister, the present trying and failing to catch up with him.
“Ah – “ Cat’s brain had gone into overdrive. There was only one word making itself clear in his mind: More.
“Yeah,” he murmured, and he leaned forwards again, this time ready. Lister was going to pull away, he knew Lister, alarmed, wanting answers, would pull away, but he wanted to try –
Lister’s mouth did not taste like curry, as Cat had frequently anticipated. He had a taste of sweetness, just like him, Cat thought, as he put both hands behind Lister’s neck, he shouldn’t be a murderer, he’s not, they’re scum for making him believe that... His anger growing, Cat started to envision terrible things happening to the ‘Lows’, he hated them, he hated them so much, he hadn’t even met them, but he loathed them for the sake of somebody else, he didn’t want this… Scowling, Cat pressed down, imagining one of the ‘Lows’ there, one to feel his wrath while he felt nothing in the form of compassion; why should he, when clearly, none of them had ever felt any form of it towards Lister? All the while, Cat unwittingly started to kiss Lister harder, harder, until the human cried out and pulled away forcefully, practically pushing Cat from him.
“Cat! What happened? What did I do?”
Cat’s eyes widened; his malicious temper immediately melted. “Oh, my gosh. Bud, I’m sorry.”
“I thought – what am I supposed to have done to get you so uptight?” Lister touched his swollen lips, his eyes watering. He frowned at Cat, a wary veil glazing over his previous cheerful spark. Cat put a hand on his shoulder.
“I’m sorry, bud,” he said, trying to explain. “I wasn’t gonna hurt you. I was just thinking of the ‘Lows’ and I got angry, but not with you. I just didn’t know what I was doing. Really. I swear, it won’t happen again.”
Lister nodded; his shoulders seemed to relax under Cat’s fingers, but his facial expression was one of slight caution. Maybe there was a way to find out of Cat was telling the truth, he thought, as he tentatively used one hand to tilt Cat’s face towards him. Cat looked slightly surprised, but as though he could sense Lister’s motive, he allowed Lister to kiss him softly, before kissing back in an equal show of delicacy.
“You cats,” Lister murmured, obviously influenced. “Hunters one minute, sweet and cuddly the next.” There was a hint of amusement in his voice as he fell back against the foot end of Rimmer’s bed, which showed he was willing to forgive Cat for his slip-up. Their next kiss was fuller; deeper, but not forceful. Lister’s sweet tongue met Cat’s rough yet un-dominating one, and Cat made moans of enjoyment as he pressed his body closer to Lister’s, sheltering him right up to the point where the kiss subsided. Lister was staring up at him, eyes glazed.
“Not too much,” the human whispered. “Not too much, I don’t think – “
Cat nodded. “It’s OK, bud. Stay cool, I get it.”
And he did. He most certainly did. The kisses that followed were indescribable, but they were good, so good. Lister warmed, placing one arm around Cat’s waist, and in return, Cat put a hand to his left cheek; the side of Lister’s face that wasn’t injured.
Injured…
“Wait a minute.” Cat broke the kiss. “I think I – what are we doing here?” He sat up, looking slightly shaken.
“I did wonder,” Lister shrugged up at him, “But then I didn’t think it mattered.”
“Do you – want this?” Cat questioned. “I mean, you’ve had a rough day; really, bud, you’ve been in bit of a state. Isn’t this kind of like – taking advantage?”
“I’m letting you do it,” Lister replied. “Because I want it.”
Cat nodded slightly, still looking slightly bemused, but not feeling quite as surprised, alarmed or disgusted as he thought he would have done. Lister chewed his lip thoughtfully for a moment, and then leaned slightly closer to Cat.
“If you think there’s something here, you can take a chance, ‘cause I’m willing to. I’m not out to use you either; I don’t want you thinking I want sympathy kisses, ‘cause I don’t. That wasn’t all they were, was it?” He raised an eyebrow, the previous anxiety returning.
“No, I don’t think so. And you’re not a using person either,” Cat said, “So watch me. I’m too far in – no turning back.”
“I can live with that. But not too much,” Lister replied, as Cat advanced on him.
“Not too much?” Cat repeated, gently.
“No.” Lister shook his head.
“But not too little, either?”
“No.”
Cat nodded, digesting this information. “So long as you don’t call yourself a killer anymore. Got it?”
Lister nodded, feeling a sudden, infinite cheer at Cat’s words; the feline’s insistence of his own innocence. “Yep. I’ve got it.”
Cat appeared to think for a moment. “You know, bud – I don’t think I’d have done this, normally. But I dunno – now it feels OK. Right, y’know?”
“Yeah, I know,” Lister nodded, understanding the relentless pride that Cat liked to uphold and choosing not to question it. “Do you reckon you would’ve backed off in disgust if you’d known beforehand – ?”
Cat shrugged. “I don’t know, although I’ve gotta admit, it sounds likely. The thing I’m worried about at the moment is the fact that I’m – well – putting someone else before me. Call me crazy – but that’s worrying.”
Lister had to smile his incredulous smile. “Well, some things never change. C’mere.” He gestured to Cat again, secretly glad that the feline hadn’t pounced straight away without any questions. The fact that Cat had stopped to talk about what they were doing, where this was headed; it made Lister feel less uneasy, and instead safer in the feline’s presence. Lister could have laughed at the irony, but it all seemed to fit together: Cat, with his cool personality, his defence on certain subjects, his somewhat friendly but protective nature, was just whom Lister needed right now to help him forget everything the Lows had put him through. Today, he had discovered what it felt like to be truly afraid.
But you didn’t have to be afraid when Cat was around. That much was true, thought Lister as he was eased down on his back and Cat proceeded to make him forget everything from the days’ events. Lister also sensed Cat’s desire to please, and kissed him back gently to ensure him that all was forgiven and forgotten. He knew Cat hadn’t really understood in the first place, and for this, he was grateful. Then he lost himself as Cat started to run his fingers through his dreadlocks, and his own hand finger-combed through Cat’s plait. What he was doing, where he was going to end up, Lister wasn’t quite sure, but he was certain that whatever it was, it would be something positive, as there was nothing to complain about in that moment.
Minutes, or maybe hours later, the two lay together in Rimmer’s bunk, Cat with his head on Lister’s chest, Lister with one arm around Cat’s shoulders. Lister was staring at the ceiling, assuming that Cat had dropped off to sleep. His mind was full of questions, none of which needed to be answered urgently, but which he felt he should have the right to know the truth to all the same.
“You not sleeping?”
Lister jumped, and glanced down at Cat. The feline was wide-awake and staring up at him, a neutral expression on his face. Lister shrugged, half-cautiously.
“Ah, you know.”
“Lot to think about at once, huh?” Cat placed his head back on Lister’s chest, and took a sudden interest in a small tear in the human’s shirt.
“I’m OK,” Lister said quickly. “I guess I just wasn’t expecting this. But I don’t regret it, I’ll tell you that much.”
“Good, ‘cause I don’t either.”
Lister gave a slight smile, staring back up at the bunk ceiling. “You’ve made me forget a whole lot of everything.” He felt Cat’s questioning glance on him and continued. “I feel so much better, ‘cause you’ve been here. I don’t feel as frightened as I was.”
“Maybe, bud, if we’d stuck together, there’d have been no need for it in the first place,” Cat shrugged, looking slightly regretful.
Lister shrugged back at him. “It couldn’t be helped. But it’s alright. I’m fine, now. And I still want you here.”
“Not going anywhere.” Cat, unable to reach Lister’s mouth, instead kissed the crook of his neck before burrowing deeply into Lister’s shirt, sounding satisfied; contented. Then he added, “You’re safe, you’re cool. I’m right here, OK?”
At that moment, Lister wondered if there was any futuristic tool somewhere on Red Dwarf that would save his face from being split in two from the broad smile that had spouted from Cat’s words. Feeling a strange relief, followed by a warm contended feeling of his own, Lister closed his eyes, feeling one of Cat’s hands on his hip, where the feline had opted to leave it.
Nobody’s complaining, Lister thought, glancing down at Cat, feeling a new respect towards him. It may have taken him a while, but at least he finally got some sense into me.
And with that, he allowed his own form to drift off, knowing that when he awoke, he would wake feeling guiltless, with a newfound affection to explore and develop. Things no longer seemed bitter – not even the strain of harrowing comfort itself.
*
Fin.
Summary: Set after the S5 episode ‘Demons and Angels’. Lister relives his nightmare on the ‘Low’ Red Dwarf, showing Cat that his own fun with the implant was more serious than was previously anticipated.
Rating: PG-13
Author: Ellie ET
Warnings: Slash. Spoilers for ‘Demons and Angels.’
Disclaimer: I own two RD DVDS, four tapes of recorded episodes and the Smeg-Ups tape. Nothing else.
The Cat sighed half-heartedly as he jabbed at the no-longer-working implant control. Shrugging, he placed it on the cabin table and then stepped back, stretching at his ease.
“Oh, well. It was fun while it lasted.” He grinned at Rimmer, who was looking slightly down-trodden, and then glanced across the cabin at where Kryten was trying to pull the spinal implant out of Lister’s back. Lister was panting heavily; he was leaning over, hands on his knees, and his gaze was fixed to the floor as Kryten finally pulled the implant out with a cry of triumph, and allowed Lister to straighten up.
“Are you alright, sir?” he asked.
“I’m gonna have a shower,” Lister murmured, shakily stepping back a few paces, adapting to the use of his own arms and legs again. “And when I come out, I want to see these two guys,” he gestured at Cat and Rimmer, “out of here.” At his words, the feline and the hologram both started protesting simultaneously.
“Hang on - ”
“What’re you blaming me for?”
“Just – out.” Lister held up both his hands and stepped back a few feet more. As he approached the opposite wall, a slight shadow started to fall over his face from where the cabin lights had previously highlighted his features. Now that he wasn’t standing under a bulb, Lister’s eyes seemed to shine as he stood in his dark corner; almost shimmer, practically glow. Cat felt his eyes widen almost of their own accord.
Lister was crying.
“Get out,” the human repeated. Although he was speaking to both of them, his eyes were trained on Rimmer; he didn’t seem to want to look at Cat. “Just go, guys.” His voice began to shake, betraying his rapidly-brimming eyes. When neither Cat nor Rimmer moved, he turned to the mechanoid, who was standing awkwardly by in the hope of receiving instructions.
“Kryten, get them out.”
“Of course, sir,” Kryten looked torn between staying to console Lister, or getting rid of the two people who were the apparant reason for Lister’s growing distress. Eager to follow orders, though, the mechanoid opted to make his way towards Cat and Rimmer and usher the stunned pair from the room.
“Now, come on, sirs, Mr. Lister’s seen enough for one day – and for your information, I’ve destroyed the chip.” Kryten held out an open palm to show something to the feline and hologram as he shooed them out the door; Lister couldn’t see what was inside it from his spot on the other side of the room, but guessed it was the implant that Kryten had presumably crushed in his hand.
“I’ll bring you some tea, sir,” Kryten offered over his shoulder, as he finally succeeded in pushing Cat and Rimmer into the hallway and out of sight.
“Cheers, Kryt.” Lister rubbed his eyes as he sat down on Rimmer’s bunk, reaching for the pillow without looking at it. Kryten frowned worriedly.
“Sir – a shower will help you unwind a bit; enable you to relax from the days’ events,” the mechanoid offered. “I know – how about I bring you a curry?”
Lister shook his head. “Nah, thanks, Kryten. Maybe later.” At the stunned look on the mechanoid’s face, he added, “Sounds crazy, but there are some things curry can’t cure.” He smiled wryly, but the smile didn’t reach his reddening eyes. His tone of voice sounded sour, tired, and Kryten decided to leave before any more damage was done. However, before walking out the door, he picked the implant controls up from the table. Lister followed his movements and stared up at Kryten in wide-eyed horror as the mechanoid studied the controls.
“No, no, no, don’t worry, sir,” Kryten said quickly, noticing Lister’s expression. “I’m just checking it, to ensure it can do no more damage. Anyway, the implant is gone, so you’re safe. But if it makes you feel better, I’ll get rid of this. See you very soon, sir.” With a brief, cheerful smile, the mechanoid turned and left the cabin, leaving Lister alone.
Lister squeezed Rimmer’s pillow, then remembering whose it was, put it down again. He quickly got up from the hologram’s bunk and then climbed the ladder up to his own one. Curling up on top of his blanket, he suddenly acknowledged how cold and resigned he felt.
He wasn’t angry with Cat, not really. He could have predicted this happening, but that didn’t make him feel any better, didn’t help him to feel any more secure. For five hours he had been forced to humiliate himself for Cat’s ends; slapping his face, dancing, jumping… It had been a relief when the chip finally wore off between Cat’s vigorous use and Rimmer’s eager instructions. The truth was, the feline didn’t have to do it, didn’t have to take over complete control of Lister’s body, didn’t have to intimidate him the way he had. But all those things had happened, and it caused Lister to question his friendships; caused him to bring into account the fact that now, he didn’t quite know whom to trust.
Lister sighed, and curled up even further. It suddenly occurred to him that if he fell asleep like this, he could have terrible cramp in his legs and arms in the morning.
Well, the human thought soberly, I guess it wouldn’t matter after today. I don’t feel safe in my own body anyway.
*
“Sir, would you please listen to me for one second?”
Cat held up a hand, silencing the mechanoid, but didn’t turn around to face him. “Don’t blame me; I was just having fun!”
“Fun, sir?!” the mechanoid exclaimed, staring at him. “Do you have any idea what that ‘fun’ has turned Mr. Lister into?”
Cat stared at him dryly. “Do I really wanna know?”
“Sir, he’s hugging pillows; he reacted so violently when I picked those controls up – he’s even refusing to eat curry!” the mechanoid practically shouted. For the first time, Cat frowned.
“What? Are you serious?”
“Sir, your actions today involving the chip have affected him deeply. Naturally, I had to destroy those controls straight away, so I broke the parts up and then put them in the Waste Disposal.”
“Where is he now?” Cat asked, ignoring Kryten’s last statement.
“Mr. Lister?” At a nod from the feline, Kryten replied, “Er, still in the cabin, I believe, but he’ll want some time to himself. Why?”
“No reason.” Cat shrugged. Kryten’s eyes narrowed; on seeing them, Cat hurriedly held up both palms.
“Before your zoom-function hallucinates Marilyn Mondroid and you go completely crazy, let me tell you I don’t wanna hurt him,” he snapped. “I just wanna see him. That’s all.” Glancing at the clock that was hanging on the wall, he added, “If he really wants to be alone, I’ll give him a while.”
Kryten frowned worriedly. “Are you sure this is wise, sir? I’ve taken him some tea, but I think he would value some time on his own.”
“Look, just give me a try,” Cat insisted. “I’ll give him an hour or so by himself, then go and see him. Oh, and I don’t want Goalpost-Head barging in, OK, bud?”
“As you wish, sir. It’s your boat, not mine.”
Cat rolled his eyes as the mechanoid turned and headed for the lifts, predictably going down to the laundry-room to do some laundry. Then he glanced at the clock again.
Maybe I can rearrange at least half my wardrobe while I’m waiting…Cat sighed and headed for his own cabin. Killing time had never been one of his favourite hobbies.
*
“… So then the senile computer says to the intelligent computer, that was no desklamp, that was my chess partner!” Holly grinned down at Lister from the cabin monitor. Lister applauded half-heartedly.
“Bravo, Hol. Brilliant. Now, are you gonna leave me alone?”
“Hang about; I’ve got one more.”
Lister groaned. “Holly! As much as I appreciate you trying to cheer me up, we’ve been doing this for the last half-hour.”
“I only want to help you feel better. And anyway, you were in the shower for ages.”
“Yeah, because no-one seems to leave me alone!” Lister snapped, rather harshly. “You saw what happened today! I just wanted some time to myself, even if it does happen to be under a water-spray.”
Holly sighed. “Are you really upset?”
“No. Well, OK, maybe just a bit.” Lister shrugged. “I just wish they could have been a bit more – I dunno – thoughtful.” In truth, there was so much more to it than that, but to go into details with a computer of doubtful intelligence just didn’t seem to be the right step to take, at least to the human.
At that precise moment, there was a knock on the door and a voice called to Lister. “Hey, bud. Can I come in?”
“Here’s your chance to find out,” Holly offered. “Anyway, better go; the Skutters are having a game of squash on B-deck, and I’m keeping the score.” With that, she disappeared from the monitor. At the same time, the door opened up. Lister glanced over from atop his bunk as Cat came into the room. He then started inspecting his fingernails, determined not to make eye-contact. He didn’t want this, not at the moment.
“Hi, bud,” Cat tried.
“What do you want?” Lister asked quietly.
“Kryten said you weren’t up to scratch. Figured I’d come and see you.”
Lister glanced at him. “Well, you’ve seen me now, so goodnight.”
Cat opened his mouth wordlessly. Then he closed it again and sat in the bottom bunk. Lister raised his eyes to the heavens, and then pointedly lay back down on his blanket, hoping that the feline would leave. He heard Cat sigh from below.
“Come on, buddy. Talk to me.”
Silence.
“The least you could do is talk to me. We’re buds, right?”
“Yeah. That’s what I thought too,” Lister responded sharply. Cat felt something really tight squeeze his chest from the inside.
“Look, just go away, Cat, OK?” Lister added. “I’m tired, and I just want to rest. Do me a favour, and leave me alone. You owe me that much.”
“For cries’ sake…” Cat stood up, climbed the ladder in one swift movement and then promptly sat on Lister’s legs.
“Just listen to me for a moment,” Cat said, making himself heard over Lister’s cries of protest. “I don’t want us on rocky ground; you don’t need to act like a total smeghead.”
“Then why did you fix that implant and try and control me?”
Cat shrugged. “I was just having a bit of fun.”
“Fun!” Lister snapped, and Cat almost screamed in frustration. Not this again…!
But if he was going to start shouting at Cat, something held Lister back. Cat watched curiously as his friend quickly lowered his head and wiped frantically at his eyes.
“What’s wrong?” Cat asked, although he had a feeling he already knew.
“Nothing. I’m fine.” Lister raised his head again, and scowled. “Listen, you. ‘Fun’ gave me this reddening bruise on my face.” He gestured at his right cheek, the result of all the slapping that Cat had forced on him. “ ‘Fun’ was dancing on the spot for you, and every time I think about it I cringe. ‘Fun’ was jumping up and down for ten minutes at a time, and I kept asking you to stop, but you didn’t!” Lister’s voice started to crack. Cat blinked again, a loss at what to say. Then he spotted something he hadn’t seen before – an open wound just above Lister’s mouth. It was something he had paid little attention to before, but now he noticed that the scar was starting to bleed afresh.
“Hey, bud. Your face needs a clean.” He took a small compact mirror out of his breast pocket and handed it to Lister. Opening it up, Lister blinked at his reflection, and then cringed as he saw the weeping blood on his face.
“Great. Just great.” Getting off the bed, he jumped back down to the floor and made his way over to the tap. Picking up a clean cloth from the rack, he ran it under the cold water and set to work on treating the bruise.
“Go on, Cat,” he said over his shoulder. “You’d better leave.”
Cat jumped down from the bunk and approached him. “Who did that to you?”
“Good night, Cat.”
“No, seriously. Who did that to you?”
“It doesn’t matter.” Lister turned to face him, holding the damp cloth to the cut. But he could tell that Cat was putting two and two together, and when the feline spoke, it was with an uneasy facial expression.
“Was it – y’know – the ‘Low’ dudes?”
“Yes, it was,” Lister sighed, throwing the cloth down violently. “There; you’ve got your information, now you can go.” He inspected his face closely in the mirror over the sink; the blood was beginning to clot. As he continued to gently dab at it, Lister noticed that Cat was still behind him, standing, staring.
“Go, Cat.”
Cat came and stood next to him, leaning against the sideboard. “You really don’t want to speak to me, do you?”
Lister stared at the feline’s reflection in the mirror. “I just want some time alone.”
“I just want answers, but I’m not getting any. Now, how did this happen?”
Lister threw the cloth into the sink and Cat followed him back to the bunk. Lister collapsed in Rimmer’s empty bed, and he looked surprised when Cat sat down next to him.
“OK, you win,” Lister sighed. “They controlled me with the implant. They made me pour boiling hot water all over meself. They gave me this scar when they made me close a cabinet door on my nose. They forced me to eat a tarantula. Then they gagged me, gave me a knife and sent me on a killing spree.”
“A tarantula?” Cat repeated, looking disgusted. “They made you eat a tarantula?”
“Don’t remind me,” Lister said, glancing at the ceiling. “It was horrible.”
“I’ll bet it was,” Cat said, as he tried to get his head around everything the human was saying to him. There was an awkward silence between the two for a moment.
“Listen, buddy,” Cat tried. “If I’d known it was that bad – well, I wouldn’t’ve – it was just a bit of fun, bud. Y’know, for the whole killing thing – I didn’t want to upset you. I guess it just seemed OK because it seemed even – well, I’m sorry.”
Lister shrugged; he wasn’t in the mood to argue, and part of him was glad that Cat had apologised so quickly. “It’s alright. Just – if you ever find a gizmo like that again, don’t use me as a guinea-pig for it. Deal?” He gave Cat a slight smile, and then he stared at the opposite wall, smile fading.
“Whatcha thinking about?” Cat asked, glancing at him.
“I should’ve done something.” Lister’s voice was quiet; Cat could barely hear him, but he didn’t understand what Lister was implying anyway.
“What?”
“That’s the reason they died, isn’t it?” Lister murmured. “ ‘Cause I killed them.”
“You mean – the ‘High’ murders?” A faint nod was Cat’s only reply. The feline smiled nervously. “Buddy, you – you can’t say that.”
“You know it’s the truth.”
Cat’s smile faded and he shifted slightly closer to Lister. “Except it wasn’t really you – you were being controlled by those ‘Low’ dudes.”
“But I did it.” Lister glanced at him. “I could’ve done something, but I didn’t. I could’ve said no.”
Cat was a stranger to offering comfort. Normally, when Lister was down, he could bring something in to distract him; cheer him up. But even the feline knew that this was a more serious matter; this wasn’t a small interference that could be flicked away with the help of a wine-bottle or a game of Scrabble. Words were his only key. “Bud, from what I’ve seen, you couldn’t do anything with that implant in you,” he tried. “They must have had complete control of you.”
“But I still – “
“What’s the problem? It’s not like you wanted to do it,” Cat argued. “You were mumbling away under that gag until I tore it away.”
“I’m glad you did. Otherwise I might have killed you. And I wouldn’t have wanted to do anything like that.” Lister moaned and hung his head in his hands. “They didn’t understand. I tried to warn them, but they were going on about goodness and all that. I didn’t want to kill them. All that blood; those painful expressions – I did that.”
“For the last time, you were being controlled,” Cat said. “And technically, they weren’t really real, were they; they were us, and they were going to fade away at the end of an hour anyway.”
“Yeah, but they – they felt real. They ate, they drank, they felt pain – that’s alive.” Lister glanced at Cat and then added, “I’m sorry, Cat; I didn’t want to hurt you. I hated strangling you – I actually thought you were really gonna die, and what would I do then. If you hadn’t kneed me…”
“But you said at the time that it wasn’t your fault,” Cat frowned. “How come you’re so uptight now?”
“I’ve had time to think. And I don’t like what I’ve remembered.” Lister turned away from him, and fixed all his attention on the opposite wall again.
“I tried to kill you, y’know,” Cat pointed out, trying to cling on to something that would help his friend. “So technically, we’re even.”
“You tried to kill me once; I tried to kill you three times.”
Cat shrugged as he took a bold step. “That was why I was having fun with the implant – bit of playful revenge. Guess you could say I kinda went a bit too far, hm?” The feline smiled apologetically.
Lister glanced up at him. His eyes were starting to fill again.
“Why are you being so nice to me?” he asked, his suspicious tone clouded by his brimming tears.
Cat pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped Lister’s eyes in two gentle strokes. “Yeah, scary, isn’t it?”
“Slightly.”
“I owe you anyway, don’t I?” Cat grinned coaxingly at him. “And I know those killings weren’t your fault; you’re not a murderer. You haven’t got the heart for it – you’re a good guy.”
Lister smiled slightly, shakily. This time, it reached his eyes. “You think so?”
“Yeah. Anyway, I’m sorry about everything I’ve done – that includes the knee thing. Buds?” Cat held out a hand and Lister, his fingers quivering, shook it.
“Mates.” He smiled for a split-second; then his whole body seemed to shudder and he bowed his head and buried his face in his hands again. As his shoulders trembled, Cat heard muffled sobs emerging. He bit his lip.
“Oh man, you’re exhausted.”
“Their blood… that knife in my hand…” Lister was muttering in-between sobs. “I can’t believe – I just never thought I’d ever do that, whether I meant to or not.”
Cat squared his shoulders. “Right, I’m not too good at comforting crying people, but I’ll give it a try, OK, bud?”
He put an arm around Lister and gently pulled him towards his body. Lister, looking slightly mortified, rested his head on the feline’s shoulder all the same and awkwardly wrapped an arm around him. Cat slung an arm loosely across the human’s back, trying to ignore Lister’s heavy weight on his left arm all the while trying not to tug and damage Lister’s dreadlocks with his right hand. The two shared an uncomfortable embrace, and then half-pushed each other away while backing off of their own accord.
“Okay…” Lister murmured quietly. Cat nodded. “Yeah.”
“Well, it was a nice thought.” Lister met his eyes, his pupils carrying a hint of that old mischievous glint. “Thanks.”
He then put a hand on Cat’s shoulder and gestured him towards him. Cat shuffled over, half-pulled, half-voluntary and arranged himself into a kneeling position next to his friend on the bunk. He allowed Lister to wrap his arms around him as he rested his head on his friend’s shoulder, placing his own arms around Lister’s middle.
Maybe, he thought, after a person’s first awkward encounter, things gradually got better. This was certainly proof of that statement. Maybe it was just looking at it from a virgin’s point of view, but the heat of Lister’s body, so close to Cat’s, was indescribable. It was as if Lister contained some kind of unlimited power-source that could not be traced, but was known to be existent inside the skin. It was this that made the embrace, in all honesty, warm.
And comfortable.
And… and…
And, so was the kiss. Lister was, Cat realised straight away, a great kisser, a slight problem by comparison, but the human knew to press his lips gently against Cat’s without the full use of his tongue, knew to give Cat enough room to breathe and didn’t seem to mind that Cat didn’t know exactly what to do. Just proves my point, I guess, Cat thought vaguely, that heart of his is so big, it could easily cloak the whole Atlantic.
The kiss ended just as soon as it began. Lister pulled away slightly, and Cat opened his eyes; he didn’t even realise he had them shut. He stared up at Lister, the present trying and failing to catch up with him.
“Ah – “ Cat’s brain had gone into overdrive. There was only one word making itself clear in his mind: More.
“Yeah,” he murmured, and he leaned forwards again, this time ready. Lister was going to pull away, he knew Lister, alarmed, wanting answers, would pull away, but he wanted to try –
Lister’s mouth did not taste like curry, as Cat had frequently anticipated. He had a taste of sweetness, just like him, Cat thought, as he put both hands behind Lister’s neck, he shouldn’t be a murderer, he’s not, they’re scum for making him believe that... His anger growing, Cat started to envision terrible things happening to the ‘Lows’, he hated them, he hated them so much, he hadn’t even met them, but he loathed them for the sake of somebody else, he didn’t want this… Scowling, Cat pressed down, imagining one of the ‘Lows’ there, one to feel his wrath while he felt nothing in the form of compassion; why should he, when clearly, none of them had ever felt any form of it towards Lister? All the while, Cat unwittingly started to kiss Lister harder, harder, until the human cried out and pulled away forcefully, practically pushing Cat from him.
“Cat! What happened? What did I do?”
Cat’s eyes widened; his malicious temper immediately melted. “Oh, my gosh. Bud, I’m sorry.”
“I thought – what am I supposed to have done to get you so uptight?” Lister touched his swollen lips, his eyes watering. He frowned at Cat, a wary veil glazing over his previous cheerful spark. Cat put a hand on his shoulder.
“I’m sorry, bud,” he said, trying to explain. “I wasn’t gonna hurt you. I was just thinking of the ‘Lows’ and I got angry, but not with you. I just didn’t know what I was doing. Really. I swear, it won’t happen again.”
Lister nodded; his shoulders seemed to relax under Cat’s fingers, but his facial expression was one of slight caution. Maybe there was a way to find out of Cat was telling the truth, he thought, as he tentatively used one hand to tilt Cat’s face towards him. Cat looked slightly surprised, but as though he could sense Lister’s motive, he allowed Lister to kiss him softly, before kissing back in an equal show of delicacy.
“You cats,” Lister murmured, obviously influenced. “Hunters one minute, sweet and cuddly the next.” There was a hint of amusement in his voice as he fell back against the foot end of Rimmer’s bed, which showed he was willing to forgive Cat for his slip-up. Their next kiss was fuller; deeper, but not forceful. Lister’s sweet tongue met Cat’s rough yet un-dominating one, and Cat made moans of enjoyment as he pressed his body closer to Lister’s, sheltering him right up to the point where the kiss subsided. Lister was staring up at him, eyes glazed.
“Not too much,” the human whispered. “Not too much, I don’t think – “
Cat nodded. “It’s OK, bud. Stay cool, I get it.”
And he did. He most certainly did. The kisses that followed were indescribable, but they were good, so good. Lister warmed, placing one arm around Cat’s waist, and in return, Cat put a hand to his left cheek; the side of Lister’s face that wasn’t injured.
Injured…
“Wait a minute.” Cat broke the kiss. “I think I – what are we doing here?” He sat up, looking slightly shaken.
“I did wonder,” Lister shrugged up at him, “But then I didn’t think it mattered.”
“Do you – want this?” Cat questioned. “I mean, you’ve had a rough day; really, bud, you’ve been in bit of a state. Isn’t this kind of like – taking advantage?”
“I’m letting you do it,” Lister replied. “Because I want it.”
Cat nodded slightly, still looking slightly bemused, but not feeling quite as surprised, alarmed or disgusted as he thought he would have done. Lister chewed his lip thoughtfully for a moment, and then leaned slightly closer to Cat.
“If you think there’s something here, you can take a chance, ‘cause I’m willing to. I’m not out to use you either; I don’t want you thinking I want sympathy kisses, ‘cause I don’t. That wasn’t all they were, was it?” He raised an eyebrow, the previous anxiety returning.
“No, I don’t think so. And you’re not a using person either,” Cat said, “So watch me. I’m too far in – no turning back.”
“I can live with that. But not too much,” Lister replied, as Cat advanced on him.
“Not too much?” Cat repeated, gently.
“No.” Lister shook his head.
“But not too little, either?”
“No.”
Cat nodded, digesting this information. “So long as you don’t call yourself a killer anymore. Got it?”
Lister nodded, feeling a sudden, infinite cheer at Cat’s words; the feline’s insistence of his own innocence. “Yep. I’ve got it.”
Cat appeared to think for a moment. “You know, bud – I don’t think I’d have done this, normally. But I dunno – now it feels OK. Right, y’know?”
“Yeah, I know,” Lister nodded, understanding the relentless pride that Cat liked to uphold and choosing not to question it. “Do you reckon you would’ve backed off in disgust if you’d known beforehand – ?”
Cat shrugged. “I don’t know, although I’ve gotta admit, it sounds likely. The thing I’m worried about at the moment is the fact that I’m – well – putting someone else before me. Call me crazy – but that’s worrying.”
Lister had to smile his incredulous smile. “Well, some things never change. C’mere.” He gestured to Cat again, secretly glad that the feline hadn’t pounced straight away without any questions. The fact that Cat had stopped to talk about what they were doing, where this was headed; it made Lister feel less uneasy, and instead safer in the feline’s presence. Lister could have laughed at the irony, but it all seemed to fit together: Cat, with his cool personality, his defence on certain subjects, his somewhat friendly but protective nature, was just whom Lister needed right now to help him forget everything the Lows had put him through. Today, he had discovered what it felt like to be truly afraid.
But you didn’t have to be afraid when Cat was around. That much was true, thought Lister as he was eased down on his back and Cat proceeded to make him forget everything from the days’ events. Lister also sensed Cat’s desire to please, and kissed him back gently to ensure him that all was forgiven and forgotten. He knew Cat hadn’t really understood in the first place, and for this, he was grateful. Then he lost himself as Cat started to run his fingers through his dreadlocks, and his own hand finger-combed through Cat’s plait. What he was doing, where he was going to end up, Lister wasn’t quite sure, but he was certain that whatever it was, it would be something positive, as there was nothing to complain about in that moment.
Minutes, or maybe hours later, the two lay together in Rimmer’s bunk, Cat with his head on Lister’s chest, Lister with one arm around Cat’s shoulders. Lister was staring at the ceiling, assuming that Cat had dropped off to sleep. His mind was full of questions, none of which needed to be answered urgently, but which he felt he should have the right to know the truth to all the same.
“You not sleeping?”
Lister jumped, and glanced down at Cat. The feline was wide-awake and staring up at him, a neutral expression on his face. Lister shrugged, half-cautiously.
“Ah, you know.”
“Lot to think about at once, huh?” Cat placed his head back on Lister’s chest, and took a sudden interest in a small tear in the human’s shirt.
“I’m OK,” Lister said quickly. “I guess I just wasn’t expecting this. But I don’t regret it, I’ll tell you that much.”
“Good, ‘cause I don’t either.”
Lister gave a slight smile, staring back up at the bunk ceiling. “You’ve made me forget a whole lot of everything.” He felt Cat’s questioning glance on him and continued. “I feel so much better, ‘cause you’ve been here. I don’t feel as frightened as I was.”
“Maybe, bud, if we’d stuck together, there’d have been no need for it in the first place,” Cat shrugged, looking slightly regretful.
Lister shrugged back at him. “It couldn’t be helped. But it’s alright. I’m fine, now. And I still want you here.”
“Not going anywhere.” Cat, unable to reach Lister’s mouth, instead kissed the crook of his neck before burrowing deeply into Lister’s shirt, sounding satisfied; contented. Then he added, “You’re safe, you’re cool. I’m right here, OK?”
At that moment, Lister wondered if there was any futuristic tool somewhere on Red Dwarf that would save his face from being split in two from the broad smile that had spouted from Cat’s words. Feeling a strange relief, followed by a warm contended feeling of his own, Lister closed his eyes, feeling one of Cat’s hands on his hip, where the feline had opted to leave it.
Nobody’s complaining, Lister thought, glancing down at Cat, feeling a new respect towards him. It may have taken him a while, but at least he finally got some sense into me.
And with that, he allowed his own form to drift off, knowing that when he awoke, he would wake feeling guiltless, with a newfound affection to explore and develop. Things no longer seemed bitter – not even the strain of harrowing comfort itself.
*
Fin.
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