Hello everyone!

[lady-dae.livejournal.com]

Hiya all.  This is the first piece of RD fanfic i've ever written.  In fact it's the first piece of fanfic I've ever written full stop.  So, I'd love to get some concrit from you guys, who write such wonderful pieces of character fiction. 

So here it is:

Pairing: Lister/Rimmer very faintly implied. 
Rating: PG. 
Spoilers: A little bit from Thanks for the Memory and Terrorform. 
Disclaimer: In no way do I get money from these characters, only enjoyment. 

Little Lamb. 

It still aches, when I think about it.  I know I can’t remember her, or any of the moments that you pasted into my memory but the pain of that black box recording still spears through my chest during the quieter moments.  It hurts now more than ever, because as deeply smeggy as it was for you to hand me your soggy seconds, at least you did it out of a sense of pity, of empathy.  You felt for me, for the complete lack of love or affection in my life.  So you gave me a good memory, a warm memory of your own.  God, it was only a few years ago but it feels like decades.  We were different people then.  You were gentler.  I don’t think I’ve changed much, maybe that’s the problem.  Maybe after so many years with my persistent negativity and lack of charm washing over you, you lost that tenuous connection to me.  But of course, that didn’t matter to you because you found someone else to fix.  Kryten, floating amongst the splintered remains of your space bike.  You repaired him, booted him up and spent the next three years trying to better him, to make him happy.  Old Arnie J. didn’t get a look in anymore.  I was so badly damaged there was no point, was there?  Too many years of put downs and bullying and deep, torturous self-loathing.  But Kryten, he could be taught to lie, to be noble.  To have hopes and dreams of his own, to overcome the gaps in his programming.  You made him strive to be better, even if it was a painful stretch. 

But my self-loathing ah, that beast was never meant to be conquered.  You drove it back, down there on the planet.  Just for a moment, you made me hope again.  Hope that you saw something worthy in me, something worth saving.  And just when I thought I was being foolish, you sat down next to me and told me that you cared about me, you really did.  All the bad times just melted away.  It was Lise all over again.  You were there to bolster me, to show me that someone actually cared. 

Then the bottom fell out of my world all over again.  The fragile filigree cocoon that was once again taking form around me was smashed into so many shards of biting metal.  Because you didn’t love me, none of you did.  The Cat and Kryten I could understand, Kryten loves only you and the Cat has only ever loved himself.  No, it was the look on your face when you answered my hesitant question, desperately seeking reassurance.  That look was nothing I ever want to see again.  It was incredulous, disparaging.  The very idea that you could love someone like me, or feel any kind of sympathy for my terrible, self-inflicted loneliness.  Then you turned back to the console with a wry smile and started hitting those smegging buttons to take us home. 

Whatever affection you had for me had long ago vanished.  That sense of camaraderie we had when it was only you and me sharing a room in the depths of space – the Cat an infrequent visitor - had dissipated when you found Kryten and decided we should start exploring space in the ‘bug.  Then there were two other people you could talk to, laugh with, people who wouldn’t take your Rastabilly Skank albums and force-feed them through the shredder.  So I was left – the fourth wheel on the tricycle.  And you stopped caring about whether I was ok or whether my entire life’s worth of failures were beginning to consume the tiny little bit of self-worth I had left.  Well, it’s well and truly gone now.  I sit here, three million years into deep space with the slobbiest, laziest man whom I have ever met and even he regards me with distaste. 

Do you remember that song, Lister?  The one I sang that night when I was drunk and I foolishly let the walls around my heart drop?  Well it’s not my song anymore; it’s no one’s song.  Let it spiral away into the oblivion shared by the human race and its pointless creations.  There’s no one left to share it with.  You told me that with the look on your face.  Maybe I could have been good with someone to watch over me but even I don’t want to be around me anymore. 

So hit the retros, get us back to the Dwarf.  I’ll keep going, keep on with my caustic observations and my rigid, ordered life.  But I won’t hope, I won’t feel.  Lise Yates was nothing but the memory of a memory.  It was you who had made me feel loved. 

So there you have it, please tell me what you think. 

Comments

[laurenthemself]

I think Awww and Waah! at the same time. Poor Rimmer.

[lady-dae.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's just a tad angsty I know. It's just so easy to get Rimmer to feel sorry for himself!

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

Hello! Welcome to the comm, and the strange and wonderful world of fanfic writing. I think you'll like it.

I really liked this story. Interesting observation on Lister fixing Kryten as a substitute for not being able to fix Rimmer; I think that's very true, though it's never occurred to me before. Lister wants to fix things, and it kills him that he can't fix Rimmer. I don't think he ever gave up though (and he certainly didn't stop caring), but Rimmer obviously wouldn't pick up on that. ;)

Well done!

[sunny-bexster.livejournal.com]

I agree with Kahvi, how interesting it is that you say Lister stopped fixing Rimmer because Kryten arrived - supposedly, Kryten's faults were easier to fix than Rimmers.

I really like this piece! Interesting and rather touching!

[typhonblue.livejournal.com]

But did Kryten really need fixing? He was happy as he was, subservient. What Lister did was change him into Lister's image of what he should be.

Which, in itself, isn't necessarily 'fixing' Kryten, just making him more palatable to Lister. And doesn't fix Kryten's subservience or the Listerish co-dependance he developed much either.

Albeit a more negative interpretation of what happened...

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

Lister didn't force Kryten into doing anything (that would have been wrong, and in that case I would have agreed with you), nor did he brainwash him, he merely showed him alternatives. I'm having trouble seeing how this is a negative thing.

And jeebus, look at the episode Kryten! It clearly shows that Kryten not only has the potential for being something more than his programming; but he longs for it. And by then end, he is happy to be independent.

Of course, in later series, we see that he's still the same person (enjoying menial tasks, getting pleasure from serving; he's just not subservient. And last but not least, in series VIII, he fights against the idea of being reset to his factory defaults.

[typhonblue.livejournal.com]

Kryten was programmed to obey.

Where does 'wrong' come in? Lister is human. His motivation may have been based in his human-ness. He was getting nowhere with Rimmer and he wanted a friend as he defined it. He was lonely. That's not bad, it's just not saintly.

In fact I think it makes Lister a more interesting character. Sometimes he's selfless, sometimes he's selfish. Sometimes he's cruel, sometimes compassionate.

What Lister did may not be bad, but it need not be self-less either.

The other thought that occurred to me... Is Kryten ever not subservient to Lister?

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

Yes. And Grant/Naylor, Lister and myself think this is a bad idea. Like I said, that was the entire point of the episode Kryten, unless I'm very much mistaken. What you're suggesting is that Lister changed Kryten, not because he wanted what was best for Kryten, but for selfish reasons. What that does is change the entire purpose of both characters, IMO. It makes what Lister did in Kryten and subsequent episodes pointless, and perhaps also unethical. Lister is meant to be the moral compass of the show. He's far from perfect - in fact, that's part of the point - but he's supposed to be one who always makes the 'right' choice, or at least points out what the right choice is, either by doing it, or regretting not doing it, etc.

He's not, IMO. He hero-worships Lister (which should tell you something right there), but he's not subservient to him.

[typhonblue.livejournal.com]

Gah. Moral compasses. Besides, I think Kochanski got that role in the later series. Gah. Moral compasses.

Did he regret what he did at the end of Terrorform? That was an awe-inspiring level of cruel, IMHO.

Also, Lister's selfishness is a running joke in a lot of the shows.

Maybe he changed Kryten for both reasons, selfish and idealistic. Although you can argue the selfishness of idealism as well. Kryten's subservience made him happy, but it made Lister ethically uncomfortable. So he changed him according to his ethical alignment. Although he wasn't above using Kryten's love of menial labor to his own benefit at times.

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

So... are you agreeing or disagreeing? Anyway, Kochanski does play that part at times, yes.

Does he regret it? I have no idea, actually. It's not in the books, and it's more or less impossible to tell from the show. You can tell he's feeling guilty in Marooned, but Terrorform. I honestly don't know. OTOH, that scene is played entirely for humor. It's a terribly cruel thing they all do to Rimmer, but it's played for laughs. I'm not entirely sure its meant to contain a moral lesson. :p

Also, Lister's selfishness is a running joke in a lot of the shows.
Um... what? You're going to have to explain that one.

So, if he does it because he's lonely and wants a friend, he's selfish. (I agree with that.) And if he does it for idealistic reasons, he's selfish. Erm... what could he have done, then, that wasn't selfish?

Although he wasn't above using Kryten's love of menial labor to his own benefit at times.
It's not like he can stop Kryten from doing what he does (though he did try, in earlier seasons). Might as well take advantage of it. Makes sense to me. *shrugs*

[typhonblue.livejournal.com]

I think moral compasses smack of authorial intrusion. Besides, I've disagreed, morally, with some of what Lister has said. And I've noticed one instance Rimmer functioned as the moral compass. Lister isn't always the moral compass because Lister isn't always right or regretful.

The selfishness? Tikka to Ride, Marooned, Krytie TV, Timesliders. I seem to have a vague memory that there are a few elaborate schemes that were motivated by Lister wanting to benefit himself.

"So, if he does it because he's lonely and wants a friend, he's selfish. (I agree with that.) And if he does it for idealistic reasons, he's selfish. Erm... what could he have done, then, that wasn't selfish? "

Nothing.

I may be jaded, but idealism appears, to me, to have a selfish component. Why should the world conform to a particular version of morality?

BTW, I don't think selfishness is a bad thing. I don't think Lister thinks it either.

I'm not arguing that Lister is evil or even anywhere near as unpleasant as Rimmer, just that he's human and that there is the possibility of interpreting a selfish component to his motivation in helping Kryten.

[typhonblue.livejournal.com]

Incidentally, taking this argument back a step to a meta level.

IMHO, when we write fanfiction we extrapolate from the individual source, introducing our own prejudices. I think we also write what we like, sometimes for an audience of people who like what we write.

I believe there is evidence that Lister has a dark side. Maybe not as dark as I have extrapolated, but, again, this is my interpretation of the source material. In my writing, I like to give Lister's dark side room to play as I find it(as glimpsed in brief moments during the series and in the books) compelling and resonant.

I'm not saying that anyone else's interpretation is wrong, just that mine is justified. (Not that anyone else's isn't justified. Or that mine is wrong.)

Yeah... we're all special. In our own special ways.

'played for laughs, not a moral message'

[typhonblue.livejournal.com]

I can get behind that as an interpretation. That terrorform was sliding too deeply into 'pure comedy' to be presenting an accurate reflection of Lister's character.

But can't the same be said about certain aspects of Rimmer's character? Sometimes he's broody, self-aware and even compassionate to others, scenes that are played more dramatic then comedic. Other times his pompous craven cowardly selfishness is played purely for teh laughs.

Do we dismiss Lister's callousness or Rimmer's over the top gittishness as 'played for laughs'?

What we choose to dismiss as pure comedy can be arbitrary in the final analysis.

[(Anonymous)]

Definitely some serious angst.

My only criticism is that it seems a bit too self-aware and clear for Rimmer. His mental processes appear to be nothing if not murky.

But then, he does seem to gain painful clarity towards the end.

[typhonblue.livejournal.com]

Me again.

I think I have to log in or something.

[lady-dae.livejournal.com]

I tried to tap into Lister's selfishness in this one, as much as his desire to help and repair. He has a very strong moral compass and while this can sometimes be overcome by his own selfish drives I think he is, overall, a very moral person. He also takes freedom very seriously, that's why the fascism of the 'real' world in "Back to Reality" and the near-slavery of Kryten in the early days gets to him so much.
I also agree that I made Rimmer a bit too self-aware but you also have to remember that he warps much of what he sees to fit his own pessimistic view of life and people. Lister may not have been as cold and heartless as Rimmer made out in my monologue, it's only Rimmer's side that we see... Hmm, maybe i should do Lister's point of view...

[smaych.livejournal.com]

Hmm, maybe i should do Lister's point of view...

Please do!