Fic: Switched Off - G
Mar. 3rd, 2008 11:13 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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reddwarfslashTitle: Switched Off
Pairing: Rimmer and Lister if you really search for it.
Rating: G
Disclaimer: I don't own Red Dwarf or make any money.
Beta:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
kahvi
Notes: This is my first ever fanfic, so be gentle! And a big thank you tosmaych for introducing me to this world!
The skutters were useless. What was the point? Was this how things would be for the rest of his...death? Anything he wanted done had to take at least three times as long, or not happen at all in some very disappointing cases.
It had already been eight months, thirteen days and a number of hours since Holly had activated him. And what had he done? Well, what could he do? He was dead. Things shouldn’t matter anymore, but they did...in some hideously perverted way, they did. He was still here, in a manner of speaking, after all.
And that gimboid, Lister, was the only half-sane being he had to talk to on this lump of space junk. And he hated Lister. Completely. The man he hated most in the entire universe was now his only friend. Well if that doesn’t make you want to pull your nostril-hairs out one by one for the rest of eternity, he didn’t know what would. Lister was so...disgusting! The way he looked, the way he smelled – his genetically mutated excuses for underwear. If only...
“Rimmer!”
.
.
.
“RIMMER!”
“What is it now, you ugly goit?”
“I’ve found a way!”
“A way to what, you rambling moron?”
“To go back! To go back to Earth! Just think, Rimmer – we won’t be stuck out in space anymore! We’re going home! The Cat has already started packing, so meet us in the drive room in five minutes.”
.
.
.
How had that smegging git managed to find a way to get back to Earth? It took him half an hour to tie his shoes this morning! What was Earth like now anyway? Did it even matter? He was still dead. They’d switch him off! The complete smegheads would switch him off! You can’t just expect a man to be dead, then alive (kind of), then dead again. What was he; a light switch? Except people switch lights back on…
He had to find a way to stop this. The only thing worse than rattling about on the piece of scrap metal that passes for a ship with el dirtball and that Cat was being switched off completely, with those gits off on Earth enjoying themselves! But what could he do? Sabotage would take years with those idiot-skutters! Could he bribe Lister? Guilt him into staying? No, that little jumped-up, smug-faced git would never stay just because he asked him. And anyway, he wouldn’t want to be alive in any form if he’d asked Lister for help.
That was it then. The End. Armold J. Rimmer was finished. Again.
.
.
.
When Rimmer walked into the drive room Lister was sitting with his feet up on the desk stuffing...something into his mouth. The mustard stains down the front of his shirt made Rimmer feel sick. Why did he want to make Lister stay with him? He didn’t. He just didn’t want him to leave…
“Right, I’m here. Go ahead.”
“Go ahead and what, Rimmer?”
“Switch me off so you can all go back to Earth and have a simply wonderful life without me”
“Oh, that.”
“Yes that, you smegging moron!”
“Rimmer, man, I was just kidding. I really got you though, eh?”
“WHAT?”
“Yeah, me and the Cat were bored so we thought we’d have a bit of a laugh”
.
.
.
“Very funny...”
That stupid smegging ugly little goit.
Pairing: Rimmer and Lister if you really search for it.
Rating: G
Disclaimer: I don't own Red Dwarf or make any money.
Beta:
kahviNotes: This is my first ever fanfic, so be gentle! And a big thank you to
smaych for introducing me to this world!The skutters were useless. What was the point? Was this how things would be for the rest of his...death? Anything he wanted done had to take at least three times as long, or not happen at all in some very disappointing cases.
It had already been eight months, thirteen days and a number of hours since Holly had activated him. And what had he done? Well, what could he do? He was dead. Things shouldn’t matter anymore, but they did...in some hideously perverted way, they did. He was still here, in a manner of speaking, after all.
And that gimboid, Lister, was the only half-sane being he had to talk to on this lump of space junk. And he hated Lister. Completely. The man he hated most in the entire universe was now his only friend. Well if that doesn’t make you want to pull your nostril-hairs out one by one for the rest of eternity, he didn’t know what would. Lister was so...disgusting! The way he looked, the way he smelled – his genetically mutated excuses for underwear. If only...
“Rimmer!”
.
.
.
“RIMMER!”
“What is it now, you ugly goit?”
“I’ve found a way!”
“A way to what, you rambling moron?”
“To go back! To go back to Earth! Just think, Rimmer – we won’t be stuck out in space anymore! We’re going home! The Cat has already started packing, so meet us in the drive room in five minutes.”
.
.
.
How had that smegging git managed to find a way to get back to Earth? It took him half an hour to tie his shoes this morning! What was Earth like now anyway? Did it even matter? He was still dead. They’d switch him off! The complete smegheads would switch him off! You can’t just expect a man to be dead, then alive (kind of), then dead again. What was he; a light switch? Except people switch lights back on…
He had to find a way to stop this. The only thing worse than rattling about on the piece of scrap metal that passes for a ship with el dirtball and that Cat was being switched off completely, with those gits off on Earth enjoying themselves! But what could he do? Sabotage would take years with those idiot-skutters! Could he bribe Lister? Guilt him into staying? No, that little jumped-up, smug-faced git would never stay just because he asked him. And anyway, he wouldn’t want to be alive in any form if he’d asked Lister for help.
That was it then. The End. Armold J. Rimmer was finished. Again.
.
.
.
When Rimmer walked into the drive room Lister was sitting with his feet up on the desk stuffing...something into his mouth. The mustard stains down the front of his shirt made Rimmer feel sick. Why did he want to make Lister stay with him? He didn’t. He just didn’t want him to leave…
“Right, I’m here. Go ahead.”
“Go ahead and what, Rimmer?”
“Switch me off so you can all go back to Earth and have a simply wonderful life without me”
“Oh, that.”
“Yes that, you smegging moron!”
“Rimmer, man, I was just kidding. I really got you though, eh?”
“WHAT?”
“Yeah, me and the Cat were bored so we thought we’d have a bit of a laugh”
.
.
.
“Very funny...”
That stupid smegging ugly little goit.
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no subject
Date: 2008-03-03 11:45 pm (UTC)I love Rimmer's disappointment with the skutters, and the way he keeps track of how long it's been, and all the Lister insulting...
I really love this line "Sabotage would take years with those idiot-skutters!"
So hilarious! Thank you for writing this, and being all brave and posting it.
no subject
Date: 2008-03-03 11:47 pm (UTC)As I told you earlier, this is excellent! You have Rimmer down; his voice is perfect. The angsting, the fretting; the thought processes - all of it. The tone is also very well done. It's funny, and it's Dwarf funny. Which is hard to get exactly right!
I like Lister's cruel streak here; it's so much more visible when you see it from Rimmer's POV. It's such unthinking cruelty though. Hm... gives me bunnies. (Plot bunnies, you understand. Fanfic term. I'm not actually acquiring animals.) :)
Finally, the central theme, the thought of himself as an appliance that can be switched on and off reminds me of
Hope to see more from you!
no subject
Date: 2008-03-04 03:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-04 02:18 pm (UTC)Lovely little piece of work, characters are spot on :D, lovely jubly!
no subject
Date: 2008-03-05 03:17 am (UTC)Welcome to the comm!
Win.
Date: 2008-03-07 11:11 pm (UTC)That's very like Lister to pull a prank on old ironballs.
no subject
Date: 2008-03-08 11:12 pm (UTC)By the way, what was the fic that caused you to have nightmares? I recently attempted to read something on here but it burnt my brain ... I wonder if it was the same one you mention ...
no subject
Date: 2008-03-09 11:28 am (UTC)I don't want to name and shame anyone, but if you ask Kat she'll tell you - apparently it had a similar effect on her. It was truly awful.
no subject
Date: 2008-03-10 09:13 am (UTC)