Little ficlet
Mar. 20th, 2008 01:21 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
roadstergal.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
reddwarfslashA little bird told me that it was ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
smaych's birthday. I hope this information is accurate, and I hope this gift is all right.
Title: Card.
Rating: PG.
Spoilers: Everything through Legion.
Disclaimer: They belong to Grant/Naylor, not me. I profit from this not one red cent.
A cavernous pair of nostrils appeared over Lister's shoulder. Those portals to a dark and dank unknown would strike fear - or at least a reasonable amount of disgust - in a man who was not as accustomed to them as Lister had become.
"What are you up to, Listy?" Rimmer asked, his hands crossed dictatorially behind his back, those prominent nostrils quivering as if attempting to Hoover up any local secrets.
Lister waved at the scraps of colored paper in front of him. They were stuck together in odd clumps by translucent dollops of semi-congealed glue. "I'm making a card," he replied, then frowned slightly at the perspective. It had looked much more orderly from close-up.
Rimmer pulled back slightly. "A card?" He walked around the table, his wary stance making it clear that he thought any creation of Lister's might leap up unbidden and kick him in the jollies while saying something nasty about his mum. "Whatever for?"
"It's Krtyen's birthday, innit?" Lister replied, a little irritated at Rimmer's attitude. It was a decent attempt at a card, wasn't it? Well, if not decent, at least... non-toxic?
"Birthday?" Rimmer said, his voice rising in incredulity. "You do know that androids aren't brought by storks, don't you? Not even, to use the more anatomically correct (if less appealing) model, pushed out of a lady andriod's birth canal while she's screeching for the mechanoidal equivalent of an epidural? They're assembled in factories from parts, then delivered to your home with a useless warranty card by malodorous men with an excess of body hair."
"Yeah, they have an assembly date!" Lister said, feeling the frustration that Rimmer alone seemed to be able to evoke bubbling up inside of him. He reached for a can of Leopard Lager and took a swig, The bubbling lager met the bubbling frustration and shoved it back down again, the reaction resulting in a massively satisfying belch. Feeling much better, Lister continued. "Near as I can tell - well, I had to average out all of the times that the chronographs showed," Lister waved his hand at the screen that showed various time zones, from 'Greenwich' to 'New York' to 'Pleiades,' "that time is tomorrow. Kryters is down cleaning out the diesel generators, so I should have this done when he gets back." Lister's brow furrowed as he realized he might have been a little optimistic in that one.
"Smashing idea, Listy!" Rimmer replied, a vulture grin creasing his mouth and stopping well short of his eyes. "I think the toaster is coming up on its third year of service, yes? What about the refrigerator? Mustn't forget that! Oh, and those diesel engines, as well! Check the date stamp - I think a card is called for there!"
Lister tried to get a word in edgewise, but something had gotten Rimmer's ire up. "Yes, make a few of those pathetic cards for all of the appliances! What a fantastic use of our time and sparse resources! Don't mind me - I'll be off in the back crooning the systems monitors to sleep!" He stomped out, hard-light boots ringing on the metal deck in a still-disconcertingly lifelike manner.
Lister sighed and bent back to work. What a twat that man... hologram... thing was. Here Lister was, trying to do something nice for Kryten - who was a who, regardless of what Rimmer thought. Oh, what did it matter - even if Kryten were a person, Rimmer would not understand going to the effort of a nice birthday surprise. No, not a man whose idea of a Nice Birthday Surprise was getting Lister out of bed with a level-11 recording of 'Reveille' at 6:05 am on the morning after his birthday bender, rather than the usual 6.
The thought wandered through Lister's mind - "I wonder when Rimmer's birthday is." Lister realized that he did not, in fact, know.
The thought continued to wander through, bumping against thoughts of card formation, lager, and masturbation to girlie posters. Maybe it was in the personnel records.
Maybe he should look it up.
smaych's birthday. I hope this information is accurate, and I hope this gift is all right.Title: Card.
Rating: PG.
Spoilers: Everything through Legion.
Disclaimer: They belong to Grant/Naylor, not me. I profit from this not one red cent.
A cavernous pair of nostrils appeared over Lister's shoulder. Those portals to a dark and dank unknown would strike fear - or at least a reasonable amount of disgust - in a man who was not as accustomed to them as Lister had become.
"What are you up to, Listy?" Rimmer asked, his hands crossed dictatorially behind his back, those prominent nostrils quivering as if attempting to Hoover up any local secrets.
Lister waved at the scraps of colored paper in front of him. They were stuck together in odd clumps by translucent dollops of semi-congealed glue. "I'm making a card," he replied, then frowned slightly at the perspective. It had looked much more orderly from close-up.
Rimmer pulled back slightly. "A card?" He walked around the table, his wary stance making it clear that he thought any creation of Lister's might leap up unbidden and kick him in the jollies while saying something nasty about his mum. "Whatever for?"
"It's Krtyen's birthday, innit?" Lister replied, a little irritated at Rimmer's attitude. It was a decent attempt at a card, wasn't it? Well, if not decent, at least... non-toxic?
"Birthday?" Rimmer said, his voice rising in incredulity. "You do know that androids aren't brought by storks, don't you? Not even, to use the more anatomically correct (if less appealing) model, pushed out of a lady andriod's birth canal while she's screeching for the mechanoidal equivalent of an epidural? They're assembled in factories from parts, then delivered to your home with a useless warranty card by malodorous men with an excess of body hair."
"Yeah, they have an assembly date!" Lister said, feeling the frustration that Rimmer alone seemed to be able to evoke bubbling up inside of him. He reached for a can of Leopard Lager and took a swig, The bubbling lager met the bubbling frustration and shoved it back down again, the reaction resulting in a massively satisfying belch. Feeling much better, Lister continued. "Near as I can tell - well, I had to average out all of the times that the chronographs showed," Lister waved his hand at the screen that showed various time zones, from 'Greenwich' to 'New York' to 'Pleiades,' "that time is tomorrow. Kryters is down cleaning out the diesel generators, so I should have this done when he gets back." Lister's brow furrowed as he realized he might have been a little optimistic in that one.
"Smashing idea, Listy!" Rimmer replied, a vulture grin creasing his mouth and stopping well short of his eyes. "I think the toaster is coming up on its third year of service, yes? What about the refrigerator? Mustn't forget that! Oh, and those diesel engines, as well! Check the date stamp - I think a card is called for there!"
Lister tried to get a word in edgewise, but something had gotten Rimmer's ire up. "Yes, make a few of those pathetic cards for all of the appliances! What a fantastic use of our time and sparse resources! Don't mind me - I'll be off in the back crooning the systems monitors to sleep!" He stomped out, hard-light boots ringing on the metal deck in a still-disconcertingly lifelike manner.
Lister sighed and bent back to work. What a twat that man... hologram... thing was. Here Lister was, trying to do something nice for Kryten - who was a who, regardless of what Rimmer thought. Oh, what did it matter - even if Kryten were a person, Rimmer would not understand going to the effort of a nice birthday surprise. No, not a man whose idea of a Nice Birthday Surprise was getting Lister out of bed with a level-11 recording of 'Reveille' at 6:05 am on the morning after his birthday bender, rather than the usual 6.
The thought wandered through Lister's mind - "I wonder when Rimmer's birthday is." Lister realized that he did not, in fact, know.
The thought continued to wander through, bumping against thoughts of card formation, lager, and masturbation to girlie posters. Maybe it was in the personnel records.
Maybe he should look it up.
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no subject
Date: 2008-03-22 05:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-22 10:04 pm (UTC)I mean him.
Now I'm confused.
no subject
Date: 2008-03-31 04:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-31 04:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-22 09:52 pm (UTC)Lister is so sweet, I love the idea of him making Kryten a card. And as always your Rimmer is totally perfect. He really made me laugh. "I think the toaster is coming up on its third year of service, yes?" - so hilarious.
Thank you :)
no subject
Date: 2008-03-31 04:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-23 03:10 am (UTC)There is just nothing like your Rimmer. Utterly fabutastic. "Don't mind me - I'll be off in the back crooning the systems monitors to sleep!" Love.
The bubbling lager met the bubbling frustration and shoved it back down again, the reaction resulting in a massively satisfying belch.
Mmm, tasty language!
Love the details - Pleiades!
bumping against thoughts of card formation, lager, and masturbation to girlie posters.
Adorable.
You know, it's funny; I had a bunny concerning Lister and Rimmer's death day while I was away...
no subject
Date: 2008-03-31 05:00 am (UTC)Oooh! Is this the one you're currently posting? I am eager to read the next bit!
no subject
Date: 2008-04-05 10:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-26 12:48 am (UTC)u haz cookie.
me reread.
x