Love and Jealousy 7

[felineranger.livejournal.com]

          

Lister and Lauren stumbled through the door into the darkness of her sleeping quarters; their lips locked together, their balance decidedly unsteady. The lights flickered on, activated by the room’s motion sensors, and Lister swayed dangerously for a moment; disorientated by the flashing. Lauren pulled him into the centre of the room, her long fingers wrestling with his belt buckle, trying to get it undone without having to break their kiss to look at it. He let her struggle with it while he took the time to run his hands up her smooth, silky thighs and over her round perky ass. This was fun, this was interesting. He hadn’t been with a woman in so long he’d almost forgotten what it was like. All softness and sweetness wrapped up in musky perfume.           

            Finally, she managed to unsnap his belt and unzip his jeans. He moaned breathlessly as she eased his cock out and started stroking it. “I always knew you’d have a big one...” she breathed playfully into his ear. Her hands were small and delicate, almost teasing – so unlike the firm authoritative grasp of Rimmer, or Alex. He slid his hands up her back and round to cup the warm, tender mounds of her breasts, feeling her nipples stiffen beneath the silky fabric as he caressed them. Lauren murmured and pressed herself against him more firmly, her hand gently squeezing his cock. Yes, it had definitely been too long since he’d done this.

            Much as he’d enjoyed sex with the two men in his life, Rimmer and Alex both had a habit of treating him like a plaything; pushing him into positions and situations that pleased them as if he were some weird kind of kinky poseable doll – a Shag Me Senseless Barbie. It was an occupational hazard, he supposed, of being short and cute; it was hard to dominate someone a foot taller than you - and in all honesty, he’d always been a willing victim of their games. Part of what had excited him so much that first tantalising night with Alex had been the delight of somebody else taking charge for once. He’d liked the sense of abandonment, of giving himself up to somebody so completely. But being here right now with Lauren gazing up into his eyes, offering herself so willingly to whatever he might want, had given him back something he’d lost these past few months; a sense of control. He was back in the driving seat for a change and it felt good.

            He scooped up Lauren and hefted her onto the edge of the table, pushing the skirt of her dress up around her waist. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him, parting her thighs to allow him between. His cock pressed against a wet strip of satin panties and they both moaned. She slipped her hand between her legs and pulled aside the flimsy barrier, “Fuck me,” she whispered breathlessly, “Please, Dave. Fuck me now.” It was an inviting prospect, but in Lister’s extensive experience, it was far better to make ‘em wait a while. He kissed her to silence her pleas, and gently slid his fingers into the soft wetness she offered up, using his thumb to expertly stimulate her clit. Within a minute or two he’d brought her to a flushed, breathless orgasm. Just like riding a space bike, he thought smugly. Inside his head, there was a snide retort, ‘You should know’, it said ‘you’re well on your way to being the ship’s space bike!’

            Lister winced internally, apparently that Guilt Pixie had managed to swim its way to safety, even through an ocean of lager. Shut up, he thought at it, Shut up and go away! I don’t care! His cock was achingly hard, and it was insisting that now was not the time to rethink his plans for the evening, but now the pixie had recovered from its swim, it was leaping up and down on a little desert island somewhere in his stomach and shouting like it had seen white sails in the distance. Congratulations, David Lister! You can finger-fuck a girl to orgasm in 78 seconds; it’s just a shame you can’t keep your dick in your pants for that long!

            “Oh, Dave,” Lauren purred in his ear, “That was so good.” Tell her she can pay by cash or cheque, the pixie sneered. Lister couldn’t speak, in his less than clear-headed state, he wasn’t even sure which of them he should reply to. Lauren feathered little kisses up the side of his neck, “I want your cock in me,” she whispered, “I want to feel you all the way in...” Tell her it’ll be another fifty quid, the pixie said viciously. Lister felt his face burn red, a combination of arousal and shame, and to distract himself he thrust into Lauren’s waiting tightness. She gasped and clutched him tighter. I’m not a slut, he thought desperately as he pumped into her, I’m not doing this for money, I’m not doing this to be popular, I’m doing this because I want to! 

No, Dave, the pixie said pityingly, You’re doing this because you’re angry and hurt; and because you don’t want to think about the fact that your heart is breaking. Lister felt a lump forming in his throat, but he tried to ignore it. It’s not Lauren you want, the pixie continued gently, It’s not Alex. It’s not some meaningless shag.  You want Love. You want Rimmer. Lister couldn’t help it; his eyes flooded with tears suddenly and he pulled away from Lauren. She looked up at him, baffled. “Dave? What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry,” he sniffed, “I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have come here. I’ve just made a total mess of everything.”

“Why? What’s the matter?” she sat up and took his hand, “Did I do something wrong?”

“No,” he squeezed her hand, “No, this is all my fault. I shouldn’t have...Oh, smeg it all, I’ve been such a prick.”

“Hey, it’ll be okay,” Lauren said anxiously, “Just tell me what’s wrong. It can’t be that bad.”

“I’m sorry, Lauren. I really am. I like you very much, but...but I’m doing this for all the wrong reasons and it’s not fair to you, or me, or...” he hesitated, “Or anyone else.”

            Lauren gave him a long look, and seemed to process his words for a few seconds before replying. “Right. I think I understand,” she said quietly

“I’m sorry,” Lister said again, backing away shamefully, straightening his clothes; “I’ll get out of your way. I’ll let you shower...go to bed...whatever...I’ll just go.”

“Where?” she asked. He blinked, not understanding. Lauren slid off the table, pulling her skirt down to cover herself, “I get the feeling that you don’t want to be at your place tonight, what with the Rimmer-Alex crossfire still blazing.”

“I’ll go and sleep on Cat’s floor. He won’t care.”

“No, he won’t. He won’t lend you a blanket either,”

“Yeah, well...”

“Why don’t you stay here tonight? You can sleep here on the couch. Ruth won’t be back ‘til the morning; you can take her pillows and stuff.”

“I can’t do that,” Lister said wretchedly, “Not after the mess I’ve made of your evening.”

“It’s okay,” she shrugged, “No big deal. I just thought...you and me...it might have been fun. But if it’s not gonna happen then, hey, we can still be friends right? No hard feelings?”

“I’d like that,” Lister said gratefully,

“So, you’ll stay?”

“Only if you’re sure it’s okay.”

“It’s okay, Dave. Really. I wouldn’t be much of a friend if I chucked you outta the place in tears now, would I?”

Lister shook his head and pulled her into a hug, “You’re one hell of a girl,” he sniffled into her hair, “And I’m sorry we can’t...you know.”

“I know,” She patted his back, “Go to sleep, Dave. Whatever the problem is, it’ll all seem better in the morning.”

“God, I hope you’re right.” 

          Ruth Miller was approaching the door to her sleeping quarters early the next morning when the door opened and she saw David Lister tiptoe out, looking somewhat embarrassed. She wasn’t that surprised; she knew that Lauren had had her eye on him for a few weeks now and her room-mate didn’t tend to waste time when it came to such matters. Lauren came out too and hovered in the doorway while they shared a few brief words and a hug. Ruth didn’t hear what was said, but it didn’t look very romantic. Dave caught sight of her and made his excuses to Lauren, smiling a little awkwardly at Ruth as he slunk past. She smiled back, with an expression of ‘I know what you’ve been doing’. “Well,” she said to Lauren once he was out of earshot, “He didn’t put up much of a fight, did he?”

“You’d be surprised,” Lauren replied dryly, going back inside. Ruth followed her, intrigued.

“You mean you didn’t...”

“Not really.” Lauren described to her the events of the previous evening over a coffee, from when she’d found him in the bar to the oddly unsuccessful conclusion of the night. Ruth shook her head, perplexed, “That’s just bizarre!”

“I know,” Lauren shrugged.

“So you think there’s somebody else? Another woman?” Lauren stared down into the coffee she’d made and stirred it contemplatively. “No,” she said thoughtfully, “No, somehow I don’t think it’s another woman that’s the problem...”

 

            Alex opened the door of his quarters and saw Lister standing outside looking more depressed than he’d ever seen him. “What’s wrong?” he asked, concerned. Lister looked at him dismally, “I think I’ve just done something incredibly, incredibly stupid,” he said in a small voice. Alex reached for his coat,

“Let’s get some coffee,” he said soothingly, “And you can tell me all about it.”

 

            Inside the cafe, he put a heavy mug down in front of his companion and sat down opposite him. “You’ve had a fight with Rimmer, haven’t you?” he said. Lister nodded. “A bad one?” Lister nodded again. “Was it about me?” he asked softly. Lister shrugged awkwardly, “A little bit,” he admitted, “But it wasn’t your fault.”

“What happened?”

“I know about what he did yesterday. Coming over and having a go at you. Telling you to stop seeing me. I’m sorry.”

“How did you find out?” Alex asked.

“Lauren saw him leaving your quarters. She told me it looked like you guys had been fighting. I confronted him and he told me everything.”

“And you weren’t very happy?”

“No, I was pissed off. I still am. He had no right.”

“That’s what I told him.”

“But you still ignored my calls last night.”

            Alex looked embarrassed. “I’m sorry about that. I wanted to see you, but I just wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do. I thought maybe it was for the best if you guys talked.”

“Well, we didn’t do much talking. Did a lot of yelling though.”

“And?”

“And nothing. I stormed out. I was going to come and find you but...something happened.” Lister suddenly looked very guilty.

“Something incredibly stupid?” Alex ventured knowingly.

“I bumped into Lauren again,” Lister said, without meeting his eyes.

“Oh. Lord.” Alex said succinctly, seeing what was coming, “You didn’t. Tell me you didn’t.”

“Sort of,” Lister said awkwardly, “I wanted to. And we kind of...started to. But when it came down to it...” he shrugged. “She let me stay the night anyway. I crashed on her sofa.”

“And what did you tell her? I hope you didn’t chicken out and let her think that this was going to be a regular thing?” Alex said sternly. Lister laughed without humour, “As it happens that was quite unnecessary. I think she knew there was something wrong - something more than a few too many drinks. She informed me very kindly and tenderly this morning that if I ever fancy any no-strings-attached shagging I should call her first. But she was giving me this look, like ‘We both know you don’t really want to be here.’ I think she knows I was there trying to get back at someone, she just can’t figure out who.”

            “Did anyone see you?” Alex asked seriously.

“Her bunkmate Ruth saw me as I was leaving and grinned a bit. I don’t know how many people noticed us in the bar last night. I was too hammered to be discreet.”

“Christ, Dave...” Alex sighed, putting his head in his hands.

“I know! You don’t have to tell me! I didn’t mean for this to happen!” It was meant to be you, he thought bitterly, but didn’t say so.

            “Does Rimmer know about this?”

“No. I haven’t been back yet. I only just left Lauren’s.”

            “So what are you going to do now?” Alex asked. Lister gave a depressed shrug. “Don’t you think you should talk to Rimmer?”

“I still don’t know if I want to. Last night he was....” Lister swallowed hard before speaking and Alex suddenly realised that he wasn’t just dejected about the situation – he was still really, really upset. “...He was so spiteful, Alex. He was saying such nasty things. About you, about me, about everything. It almost felt like when I first met him all those years ago when he never had a nice word to say about anyone or anything; as if nothing had happened between then and now. Like...Like he’d never loved me or cared about me at all.” Lister had to stop and wipe his eyes.

            “Dave,” Alex said gently, “You have to remember, as far as Rimmer’s concerned, not a lot has happened between then and now. You’ve had six years to get to know and fall in love with him, but he doesn’t remember any of that. He hasn’t matured and mellowed like you. All he has is the last nine months, and that’s not very long in the great scheme of things.”

“But he seemed so different, man,” Lister said, “He had changed. Just from us being together he was a different person. He was happier, kinder. But now it seems like as soon as things aren’t going quite as he wants he just starts acting like...like...”

“Like Rimmer?” Alex said, with a sad smile. Lister looked at him reprovingly but didn’t contest the remark. 

“Dave, Rimmer is who he is. And nobody knows who he is better than you. I don’t want to sound harsh, but I really can’t see why you’re so surprised by his behaviour. He’s difficult, he’s insecure and he’s insensitive. You know all that.”

“But...” Lister began desperately.

“Yes, yes, I know he’s been on his best behaviour recently, but that’s because he’s never been in love before and it’s all new and wonderful for him. And given time some of that might become permanent. But you have to face facts; there are some things about him that are never going to change. And I hate to say it, but I think one of those things is how he feels about you and me.”

            Lister stared dejectedly into his coffee. If only Alex knew just how close he’d been last night to proving Rimmer right on that score. But he had to know one way or the other... “Alex,” he said softly, “Do you still have feelings for me?” Alex looked at him in surprise. Lister hesitated, but decided that from here on honesty was probably the best policy. “Only...last night...before I bumped into Lauren...I was sort of looking for you.” 

            Alex took this in for a moment. “To spite Rimmer?” he asked.

“Only partly,” Lister told him, “I wanted to get back what we’d had, even if it was just for one night. All the hang-ups and jealousy.... It was never like that with you. We were having fun, pure and simple. I missed that.” 

Alex nodded slowly; “I see.”

“I just wanted to know,” Lister continued awkwardly, “If I had come over...If I’d gone to you instead of Lauren...Would you have...?” he trailed off, not wanting to say the words suddenly. Alex, to his credit, thought hard before he answered. “I would have been tempted,” he said finally, “I might even have gone ahead. But it wouldn’t have been right or felt right. Because you don’t love me, do you?”

“Do you want me to love you?” Lister asked timidly.

“I can’t pretend I don’t still care about you,” Alex said, “And in the right circumstances I would be willing to give us another try. But those circumstances aren’t you having a bust-up with Rimmer and coming to me for comfort. That’s not how I would want it. And no matter what he – or even you for that matter – might think, I’m not out to split you two up. I know that whatever he does, a part of you is always going to love him more than you’ll ever love me. I realised that when he told me about how you two got together. The night I left,” he added pointedly.

            Lister had the decency to look embarrassed, “He shouldn’t have told you that,” he said softly, “He was just trying to be hurtful.”

“But it’s true, isn’t it.” Alex didn’t bother making it a question.

“Yes, it’s true,” Lister admitted, defeated, “But it wasn’t like I couldn’t wait for you to leave so’s me and Rimmer could get it on. I was sad and lonely because you’d left, and he was there, wanting me.”

“You’ve got to stop getting off with people just because you’re a bit depressed, David,” Alex said, apparently unimpressed. Lister glared at him,

“Okay, okay, there was more to it than that. I suppose you’re right...a part of me has always loved him.”

“He also said you told him he had a bigger dick than me.” Lister snorted a laugh, he couldn’t help it. “I take it that’s true as well then,” Alex said.

“Sorry,” Lister shrugged sympathetically. Alex shook his head in disgust,

“I ought to just go and shoot myself in the head.”

“Size isn’t everything, you know,” Lister smiled, “And mine’s the biggest anyway.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah...”

            “Well...” said an icy voice behind them. They looked up in surprise. “I suppose there’s no point asking where you spent the night,” Rimmer said, looking at them with undisguised disgust.