reddwarfslash | Shutdown

Hi this is my first Red Dwarf fic.

Pairing: Lister/Rimmer
Rating: NC-17
Spoilers: Series 1-8 lol

A console explodes leaving Rimmer faced with shutdown. Please Comment as Crit is appreciated and advice is used. :P

Shutdown.

Rating: NC-17

Pairing: Rimmer/Lister

Spoilers: Pretty much all 8 series lol.

“Where’s that stupid smeghead gone now?”

“Looking for someone Dave?” Holly trilled.

“Rimmeh! Where the smeg is he?” He replied in a scouse accent.

“I’ll just check for you….Got him! He’s in the cargo bay.”

“Thanks Hol.”

“No problem Dave.”

Dave Lister ran as fast as he could down to the packed cargo bay. “RIMMEH! RIMMEH! I KNOW YOU’RE IN ‘ERE YOU SMEG ‘EAD!”

Rimmer’s head popped up from behind a box. “Er…hi…” He croaked.

“Rimmeh, you’re dead!”

“Ah…Now Listy Wistie Listy let me explain...”

“Explain what? Why you’re such a total smeghead?!”

“Ah…About that…I didn’t mean to...to...lose your ‘Greatest Zero-G Football Goals’ Video.”

“You didn’t lose it you lying git. You threw it out of the airlock.”

“Accidentally of course.”

“Yeah right Rimmeh! It wasn’t an accident. I’ve watched the black box footage. It wouldn’t have bothered me so much if you’d have told the truth, you lying bastard.”

“I’m sorry but if you hadn’t played it so much you gimboid, I wouldn’t have thrown it out. I can cope with you watching it a few times but having to sit through it over and over again is like torture!”

“You don’t HAVE to watch it!”

“Yes I do, we’ve only got one working video port at this present moment and since there’s nothing else to do, I have to watch it! Why can’t we watch one of my videos for once?!”

“Because, like you, they are boring and…well…smegging pathetic. Aren’t you supposed to be second technician? Shouldn’t you be able to fix them?”

“Listy. I’m a hologram. I’m a being composed entirely of light. I literally cannot touch anything. Anyway, if you’re so clever, why don’t you fix it?”

“I rank lower than you for smeg’s sake!”

“Well, get Kryten to fix it then, or one of the skutters…Bob has been working very hard recently, I’m sure he’s qualified enough.”

“The last time he ‘fixed’ something, it blew up! Holly was offline for three hours! There’s no way I trust him to fix a vending machine, or any other machine, ever again!”

“Well I think he’s perfectly...” A sudden explosion cut Rimmer’s sentence short.

Lister and Rimmer took one look at each other and shot down the corridor, seeking the source of the blast. They walked into the Drive Room and noticed the Cat wobbling on his feet. “Whoops! I guess you shouldn’t put red wires, with red wires, my mistake!” The cat collapsed onto the bright white floor.

“Wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. He’s blown the smegging console to smithereens!”

“Rimmeh! It’s not his fault!”

“Erm…Excuse me! Earth to Lister. His bloody fashion obsession has just cost us our main controls console and you are saying it’s not his fault?!”

“Calm down Rimmeh, I’m sure we can fix it.”

“We can’t, but Bob can…BOB!!!” Screamed Rimmer.

A small skutter with a toolbox hanging out of his beak came whizzing past Rimmer’s leg and zoomed headfirst into a metal barrel.

“You were sayin’ Rimmeh?”

Rimmer laughed nervously. “He…he just has a problem with his brakes. He gets a little excited sometimes.”

“I am not using a skutter Rimmeh. You know what Captain Hollister used to say…“Never trust a Skutter!”

“Oh…Okay…Fine. But how do you suppose we’ll go about fixing this then? Neither one of us is qualified enough, Kryten is just an expert in lavatorial hygiene and the Cat…well…to put it quite simply, he’s as thick as two short planks.”

“Okay then, let’s ask Holly.” Lister decided.

“Fine Miladdo but don’t come crying to me, when that stupid computer can’t help you. Sometimes I think we would have been better with Queeg.”

“Don’t ever say that again Rimmeh. I mean it…HOLLY?!”

The blonde haired computer Holly popped up on the screen.

“Hi Dave! You called?”

“Yer Hol, any idea how we can get this console fixed?”

“Bob could do it.”

“Hah I told you!” Rimmer scoffed.

“I don’t think so Hol.”

“Well, I could talk you through it or you could use the ship’s repair manual…or even the DIY video we found the other week. It sounds quite handy. ‘The smeg brain’s guide to fixing and repairing damaged ship parts.’ Sounds very reliable.”

“Ah yes, that’s the difference between you and I Holly, I do not have smeg where my brains should be. I am intellectually superior. Now lickety split and up the ziggurat! Let’s find ourselves a worthy candidate for the job.”

“Rimmeh, just face it. We’re screwed. Done for. Finito. That’s it. It’s over.”

“Well it may be for you. But I am a hologram. I can’t die.” He pointed at the shining silver ‘H’ on his forehead.

“If the console is bust, we can’t recharge your batteries, as soon as your batteries have gone, that’s it.”

“But, I can’t die, I…I can’t.” Stuttered Rimmer.

“I’m sorry Rimmeh, but it’s too late. We’re done for. We need a miracle.”

“What about Captain smug git? “

“What? Ace? He’s Dimension jumping. There’s no way he can come back, unless by pure luck he ends up here, but that’s very doubtful, there are so many dimensions we don’t know about.”

“Yes Ace.” Rimmer spat out. “I thought he was the big space hero to call if we ever needed help. Actually I’m quite surprised ‘Mister Bacofoil 2340’ hasn’t popped up yet, considering he’s supposed to be some amazing smegging bloke, that will always be there to help his best matey and according to the last time he bloody visited, his best smegging ‘mate’ was you, ‘Skipper’. Where’s your boyfriend now?”

“He’s not my smegging boyfriend you smeghead! You are just jealous because everyone loves Ace and no one can stand yer.”

“Oh no!” Rimmer cried in mock surprise. “Does this mean I should cancel the wedding?!”

“Rimmeh, I swear to –“

A siren cut Lister’s sentence short. A countdown appeared on the computer where Holly’s face had been a minute ago. “ARTIFICIAL LIFE FORM LIGHT BEE SHUT DOWN IN FIVE HOURS AND TWENTY-NINE MINUTES.” A loud voice boomed out.

“Marvellous. Isn’t that just tickety boo? Looks like my numbers up Listy. You could have weeks left, months even and I, Arnold Rimmer, Senior Officer have only got a mere five hours. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go and cower behind a crate in the cargo bay. I shall miss crate seventy-five, it has become my home…Well, sort of.”

“Rimmer, stop being so melodramatic.”

“Excuse me Lister, Bob.” He nodded over at the skutter crumpled in the corner. And with that Rimmer walked out of the Drive room.

Lister sighed. He wished there was something he could do. Not just for Rimmer but for the Cat and Kryten. He glanced over at the timer, slowly ticking away, ticking away precious time he should be using to comfort his friend. Not that he would ever admit to anyone that Rimmer was his friend of course.

“FIVE HOURS, TEN MINUTES UNTIL ARTIFICIAL LIFE FORM LIGHT BEE SWITCH- OFF.” Boomed the voice; it snapped Lister out of his daydreaming state. He stood up and began to walk down the packed cargo deck.

“Rimmeh?” He said softly, hoping his friend would respond, there was no way Lister would find him if he didn’t.

“Rimmeh? Come on man. I wanna talk to yer. If this is the end, I wanna make your last few hours special.” And for the first time in millions of years, Lister really meant it.

“Go away.” A small, familiar voice floated out from behind a large metal crate.

Lister walked round the side of the crate and sat beside his friend, who was sitting with his head in his hands. “I said go away Lister.”

“No, I’m not going away. Because even though you can be a real smeghead sometimes, you are still my friend and I’m not letting you die alone for a second time. I’m here for you, you smegger and I’m not budging.”

Rimmer looked up, his eyes red and his cheeks tear-stained. His expression changed from a melancholy one, to an almost furious one. “What do you care? No one ever cares. I’ve been lonely all my life and I can die alone!”

“I do care. I care because yer me mate Rimmeh. We’ve had our ups and downs, but we’re the ‘Boys from the Dwarf’. People do care. What about Nirvanah? She sacrificed her life for you, just so you could be happy and follow your dreams. Kryten cares. McGrueder must have too; she slept with yeh for smeg’s sake. Even Kochanski liked you.” Lister said softly.

“Kryten only cares because he is programmed to, Listy. My parents hated me. Even Mummy. Yet I adored her like a blind fool. I wouldn’t be surprised if Father wasn’t my real father; she slept with so many different men. My brothers hated me, especially Frank, and I mean McGrueder only slept with me because she was out of it. I’m a lonely man. Yes, Nirvana cared but I couldn’t have been with her, she was erased so I could join the ship, I ruined her life.”

“If anything you made her life better Rimmeh.”

“It’s the past, you shouldn’t look back, and I’ve nothing to look forward to Lister.”

“You’ve got these last few hours with me; we can do whatever you want. Listen to Hammond Organ music; play ‘pin the pointy stick on the weather girl’…What d’ya wanna do?”

Rimmer reached inside his chest and pulled out his light bee. He disappeared then a few seconds later, reappeared wearing a dark blue uniform.

“Rimmeh?! What are you doing? You’ll run your battery down quicker!”

“I know, but I…I…” Rimmer lurched forward and kissed Lister’s lips softly.

“Whoa, Rimmeh?”

“I…I’m sorry Listy it’s just, well…”

Lister cut Rimmer short by leaning in and kissing Rimmer passionately, crashing his teeth against Rimmer’s. Lister pulled away after what seemed like forever. They sat panting and just staring at one and another.

“Wow…So you do care?” Rimmer managed to gasp out.

“Yer…course I do.”

Lister wrapped his arms around Rimmer and kissed his neck tenderly.

“Listy…How long have I got left? Be honest.”

“In your hard light form…not long, I’d say a couple of hours.”

“Well, if that’s the case…We may as well make the best of it.”

“Rimmeh? Are you suggestin’ what I think you’re suggestin’?

“I might be...” Rimmer giggled as if he were drunk. He smiled to himself. This was the first time he’d ever felt happy in a long time, yet he knew it wasn’t going to last.

Rimmer glanced at Lister and kissed his cheek. It made him feel strange. It was like all of the love he’d ever felt for Nirvana, for his mother and for Yvonne all rolled into one. The feeling filled his chest, making it feel like it was on the brink of exploding. After all the years he’d spent with Lister, suddenly all of the fighting made sense. As much as Lister had needed Rimmer to keep him sane, Rimmer needed Lister. He thought back to when he and Lister had been stranded alone - he was okay because he had Lister. He’d worried so much about how long Lister would last on that barren planet. When they finally got back, although Lister had destroyed his trunk, he felt overjoyed that Lister was still alive and his Armee du Nord figurines had kept the fire going just that little bit longer, after all, what would have happened if it had gone out? Lister wouldn’t be here at all. He helped Lister and now it was his turn to be helped.

Rimmer looked into Lister’s dark eyes and began to unbutton his uniform.

“I’m not moving too quickly am I, Listy?”

“No...No that’s, that’s fine.”

“Good. Marvellous.”

Lister smiled at Rimmer for what felt like the millionth time, although he was a complete smeghead, Rimmer, in a way, could be, well...cute.

“TWO HOURS AND FORTY FIVE MINUTES UNTIL ARTIFICIAL LIFE FORM LIGHT BEE SWITCH-OFF.”

“See Rimmeh, I told you, you’ve lost a lot of run time. Are you really sure this is what you want to be doing?”

“Never been surer.”

Lister looked over at Rimmer’s face, it was totally straight. For the first time in his life Rimmer was being honest.

Rimmer leant towards Lister and kissed his collarbone. Lister moaned at the feeling, it felt good, brilliant even. He smiled to himself and kissed Rimmer’s neck, sucking and teasing him almost.

“Oh Listy...” Rimmer moaned.

Rimmer continued unbuttoning Lister’s stained and ripped uniform. He looked up at Lister. “Lister, I just wanted to say, well, thank you, you are the only friend I’ve ever had, I’m really grateful. I know I’m a smeghead but thanks for being there miladdo.”

“No, thank you Rimmer. You’ve kept me going all these years.”

“Really? God, you must have been totally insane. I thought you couldn’t stand me.”

“I hated you at first, to be honest with yer, but now, I really respect you man.”

Lister kissed Rimmer affectionately and slowly undid the hologram’s blue puffed jacket. He bent forward and began to kiss Rimmer’s chest and traced Rimmer’s nipple with his finger. He watched Rimmer’s chest rise and fall as his breath began to quicken.

“Listy...” Rimmer nodded towards his trousers, where a slight bulge had appeared in Rimmer’s crotch. “Please...”

Lister nodded and unzipped Rimmer’s regal blue uniform trousers. He kissed a trail from Rimmer’s belly button all the way down to the top of his neatly ironed underpants. Lister stifled a smirk. What a dork, he thought to himself. He felt the grappling of unfamiliar hands at his own crotch. “Uh Rimmer...” He moaned, whilst trying to focus on the job at hand, so to speak.

Lister rubbed his hands against Rimmer’s expanding crotch. Rimmer’s breath hitched.

“Oh Listy...” Rimmer’s voice trailed off.

Lister removed Rimmer’s underpants and his eyes widened in shock.

“Bloody hell Rimmeh!”

“What?” Rimmer said, slightly worried at Lister’s reaction.

“Ne...Never mind.”

Lister wrapped his hand around Rimmer’s shaft and began to pump his wrist slowly. Rimmer bit hard on his own bottom lip. Unconsciously Rimmer began to grind his hips and buck slightly against Lister. Rimmer realised Lister was also enjoying himself, as Rimmer could feel a pressing against his knee that was placed in between Lister’s legs and against his crotch.

“L...Listy...I n-need to...”

“One step ahead of yer Rimmer.”

“Ah, but, well, what about lubrication?”

“Hehe.” Lister smiled, it worried Rimmer a little, as Lister had the look in his eyes he always got when he had one of his ‘bright ideas’.

Lister bent forward and took Rimmer’s cock into his mouth and removed his mouth in one swift move.

Rimmer walked behind Lister as he leant against a crate.

“Right, are you ready Listy?”

“Yup.”

Rimmer slowly entered Lister, wincing at the contact. Rimmer moaned at the tightness as Lister winced at the feeling. He felt pleasure and pain. It was different.

“You okay Listy?”

“Yup, I’m fine Rimsy.”

Rimmer began to slowly pump his hips forwards and backwards, grinding his hips against Lister’s arse.

“Ohhh Listy!” Rimmer panted. He could hardly speak. His hips began to speed up as he felt Lister bucking and writhing in pleasure against him. Rimmer clenched his teeth and began to thrust harder and deeper. Lister drew in a sharp breath as Rimmer brushed against a very sensitive spot. Rimmer could feel familiar warmth in his lower stomach. He was on the brink of orgasm, he started to become dizzy, he heard Lister moaning, and it was enough to tip him over the edge. He came hard into Lister, panting and still pumping his hips to make Lister follow soon after. He collapsed on top of Lister.

“Wow...Rimmeh.”

“You weren’t so bad yourself.” Rimmer laughed, still trying to catch his breath.

He pressed his lips against Lister and tangled his tongue with Lister’s. Their tongues battled for dominance and Lister’s won.

“My turn.” Lister laughed.

“TWO HOURS UNTIL ARTIFICIAL LIFE FORM LIGHT BEE SWITCH-OFF.”

“I’m sorry man.”

“About what exactly Listy?”

“That you’re being switched off in two hours.”

“It’s not like you can do anything about it Listy. It’s just the way the cookie crumbles.” He smiled weakly.

“I wish I could do something, I really do.”

“You already have and I really appreciate it. Look on the bright side; at least you won’t have to listen to any more space corps directives being quoted left, right and centre.”

Lister laughed and a tear fell down his face.

“What am I gonna do without you man? I’m really gonna miss yer. You stupid smeghead. You’re my best mate, you’ve always been there. Your stuff saved my life when we were marooned and I’m just sitting here, while yours comes to an end again. I couldn’t help you the first time, I wanna help you now.”

“Bywyd goes on.”

“What?

“I did a ‘Teach Yourself 20^th Century Languages’ course alongside the Esperanto course. Never got anywhere. That was the only word I learnt.”

“And what exactly does Bywyd mean?”

“Life, Listy. I said life goes on.”

“Ok, but since when did you learn that?”

“You pick a few things up if you are lucky.”

Rimmer watched as Lister dressed and he admired Lister’s body and remembered back when they had swapped bodies, only Lister seemed a lot trimmer than he used to be. Rimmer smiled to himself. He stood up and began to put his uniform back on. Rimmer sighed.

“I’m going back to our quarters. Don’t be long. I don’t want to die alone.”

“Rimmeh, you won’t, I owe you that.”

Rimmer left the cargo bay, but a couple of seconds later his head appeared around the door.

“By the way, I love you.”

He walked out as fast as he’d walked in.

“I love you too.” Listy choked, unaware Rimmer was leaning behind the door frame, smiling.

---

As Rimmer entered their quarters, he spent a minute surveying the room, taking a mental picture, and reminiscing silently, going over fond memories from the past years he’d spent with Lister.

Rimmer lay back in his own bunk, the bottom one. The biggest bunk, as Listy had pointed out on their first day after finding out they’d been stuck together.

“ONE HOUR FORTY FIVE MINUTES TO ARTIFICIAL LIFE FORM LIGHT BEE SWITCH-OFF.”

“Oh SHUT UP! I know, I’m not stupid, I can tell the smegging time you gimboid!” he shouted at the countdown. “I’d rather listen to one of Holly’s anecdotes than watch you, you bastard.” Rimmer gritted his teeth. He felt so bitter and angry. Why him? Why now?

Rimmer jumped at the sound of pounding footprints leading up to their quarters.

“RIMMEH! RIMMEH!”

“Listy, don’t shout I’m right in front of you!”

“You won’t believe what Holly’s gone and done!”

“Do tell Listy, the anticipation is killing me.”

“We know how to fix the console.”

“And pigs can fly. Don’t get my hopes up Listy. They’ll just be crushed as always, well, it’s more like ‘hope’ than ‘hopes’ these days, they appear to have left me.”

“No Rimmeh, you don’t get it, I’m smegging serious!”

“Carry on...”

“Basically, we need to turn you off for about 10 minutes, attach the circuit board back to the mainframe, reboot the entire system, recharge your light bee and Bob’s your uncle, Fanny’s your aunt, and we’ll be back in business.”

It amazed Rimmer how refreshing Lister’s chirpy optimism could be. One flash of that smile and no matter what the situation, Rimmer always became immediately reassured.

“That’s fantastic! But...are you SURE this will work?”

“Do you really think I’d be this smegging happy if I wasn’t sure?”

“I suppose not.” Rimmer agreed. “Let’s do it!”

He reached inside of his stomach and pulled out his light bee. He disappeared for a second then reappeared in his soft light form.

Rimmer and Lister entered the control room. It looked like a bomb had just hit it.

“Rimmeh? You ready?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be.”

Lister reached inside of Rimmer’s now emerald uniformed body. He pulled out the light bee and pressed the switch to turn Rimmer off.

Lister attached the light bee to a charging mechanism and picked up the circuit board.

“Right Hol, let’s do this.”

“Okay Dave.” Holly popped up on the computer screen.

Lister picked up the circuit board with a dumbfounded look on his face.

“Seriously man, I have no idea what I’m doin’.”

“That’s ok Dave, one step at a time.”

“What do I do then?”

“Attach the red wire to the black screw.”

Lister did as he was instructed.

“Done!”

“Connect the central cloaking device to the black wire.”

“That’s this thing here I presume then Hol?” He pointed at a red cube in the corner of the room.

“Yup. Spot on Dave.”

“What’s the cloaking device gotta do with getting Rimmeh back?”

“Nothing, just makes it look pretty.”

“Ok, next please Hol.”

“See that modem over there? Connect that to my mainframe and I will configure Rimmer’s settings and personality disk, I think his hard drive is a bit corrupt, so I’ll defragment it and give it a quick clean.”

“Alright.” Lister picked up the blue modem and attached it into the plug that Holly had instructed him to.

“Okay right, um, what’s next? Gimme a minute Dave, just gotta consult the book.”

“Bloody hell Hol! Get a smegging move on, this is kinda important.”

“Thought you couldn’t stand Rimmer.”

“He’s a necessary evil ok? Now move it.”

“Ok ok. Chill out Dave.” Holly was clearly a little flustered. She moved her head from side to side as if reading.

“Right, got it! Who said blondes were dumb? Because I’m a genius. I may be senile but I’ve still got it, mate.”

“Well...?”

“See that big red button I’ve always told you to never press?”

“Yup.”

“Don’t press it, it’s very dangerous.”

“What’s that got to do with it?”

“I’m getting there! Now, press the big blue button underneath the red one and THAT should reboot all systems and fix it.”

“Okay...”

Lister walked over to the blue button and pressed it. The room darkened, klaxons started sounded and flashing red lights appeared, along with the word WARNING tattooed across Holly’s head.

“Oh no. What have I done?”

A series of small explosions started to go off on the console underneath Holly.

Then all went quiet.

“Bish, bash, bosh.” Holly’s voice drifted through the darkness. The lights sprung back into action.

Holly smiled “Nice one Dave! You did it. You fixed it.”

“Err...what about those explosions Hol?”

“Ah, they happen when you do things like this. It’s normal, like when you boil an egg, water goes on the cooker. It’s inevitable.”

“Oh, right.”

Lister walked over to the console and picked up Rimmer’s light bee.

“Right then, let’s see if this has worked.”

He switched on the light bee and threw it up into the air. Just before it hit the floor, Rimmer appeared in the spot it would have landed in.

“Well well well, it seems I have wrongly doubted you Listy. You are more than capable of actually lifting a finger, amazing.”

“I’ll take that as a “thanks for saving me smegging life Lister.” Well that’s ok Rimmeh.”

Rimmer smiled at Lister and breezed out of the control room with a huge grin on his face.

He caught his reflection in a mirror and swept a hand hurriedly through his matted brown hair. Thank God. He thought to himself. He smoothed down his uniform, turned around and briskly walked into their quarters. As he sat down on his bed, he breathed a sigh of relief.

Just as Rimmer began to relax for the first time that day a familiar voice rang through the corridors of the ship.

“RIMMEH! YOU SMEGHEAD! GET YOUR LYING WEASLY BEHIND INTO THE CONTROL ROOM NOW! I’M GONNA SMEGGING KILL YER!”

“Ah well...” Rimmer sighed to himself. It was good to be back.