Fic: Till You Love Yourself (PG 13)

[sunny-bexster.livejournal.com]

Fic: Till You Love Yourself
Pairing: Lister/Lister
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Notes: Response to a prompt for kahvi , who wanted a little Lister/Lister. This turned out a little more serious than I intended, but here we are. It was too long to post into a comment. I got a little carried away...Big thumbs up and a thank you to kms726 for being my beta!

“There...thirty-five klicks ahead, slight left bearing.” Rimmer nodded to the growing green blib on the console in front of him. “Right there,” he said, just to reiterate the point.

 

“I have eyes, Rimmer,” muttered Lister in return, squinting at the blib as if trying to decipher it's deeper meaning. “Reckon it's the Dwarf, then?”

“Well, what else could it be? It's big, it's decrepit and it's stuttering its way through deep space like a degenerate sea-cow. It's ours, alright.” the hologram sniffed. “Let's take a closer look.”

 

In the distance, a maroon coloured smudge on the great stretch of darkness began to take shape. Closer still, the all too familiar details of the ship became more apparent. That great hulking body, the once bright and shiny crimson coloured coat, flecked with the generic flotsam and jetsam of space and the name RED DWARF emblazoned across the across in big, white letters.

 

It was the crimson rouge one – just how they'd left all that time ago.

 

There was that strange, not entirely uncomfortable feeling of homecoming as the doors to the Landing Bay rumbled open, revealing a long, grey stretch of corridor. Everyone's neck began to tingle, be they human or hologram, mechanoid or mostly humanoid. They were home. Home.

 

Naturally, the first port of call was Lister and Rimmer's bunk room.

 

“I can't believe it,” crooned Cat, half sliding, half scuttling along the floor. “I've got my wardrobe back. Ohhhh baby, I've missed my suits so much I thought I'd die of fashion starvation.”

 

Kryten was equally as overjoyed. “We've been away so long, I think I'll have to hunt dust bunnies with a net and a stun-gun!”

 

Two skutters came whizzing into view - one dressed in a red, frilly, slightly tarty little number, the other with his cowboy cocked at a rakish angle, his replica colt 45 hanging from his oiled neck. The pair stopped dead in their tracks, swiveled round to exchange a curious look before resuming their re-enactment of another clichéd western scene.

 

“As soon as I've got settled in...I'm going to have them dismantled, crushed and remoulded into tin cans,” muttered Rimmer, glaring at the retreating skutters with undisguised disdain.

 

Seconds later, just as they rounded a corner, they came face to face with something rather odd. It was Lister. Well...a Lister.

 

This Lister, clad in a smart pair of dark navy jeans and a crisp, clean blue shirt came to an abrupt stop and gazed at the assembled group. Seconds ticked by.

 

“Hi.” he said eventually, sounding entirely uncertain with the circumstances “Erm...”

 

“This mustn't be our Red Dwarf,” explained Kryten, feeling incredibly guilty for intruding.

 

“Oh really!” exclaimed Rimmer, using far too much sarcasm for everyone's liking. “And there I was thinking this was our Red Dwarf and that just before we left Listy had somehow stumbled into a cloning machine and then that poor clone then fell into a 'Sense of Style' machine and has been here all alone since we've been gone.”

 

“There are times when you're really annoyin', y'know that!” snapped Lister, “but we call them your good days, but then there's times when you're like this. Times when you're so insufferable, it's a wonder you've never been beaten to death by a major charity, for the good of mankind, obviously.”

 

The alternate Lister simply looked on in befuddled amusement.

 

“Apologies Mr Lister sir,” said Kryten “I fear we may have taken a wrong turning at that last wormhole and strayed into an alternative universe. We assumed this was our Red Dwarf. Might we use your drive room in order to calculate some co-ordinates?”

 

“Erm...sure. This way,” he gestured to back the way he came, his eyes lingering for a second on Lister's face; behind his glasses familiar brown eyes widened.

 

“Sirs,” said Kryten, turning to his own crew, “Might I suggest I formulate our new flight path, I have all the available data stored in my memory banks, I could have our new course plotted within an hour or two. There's no need for you to accompany me.”

 

“Are we good to hang with you?” Lister asked himself.

 

“Yeah,” came the reply, along with the smallest of smiles and a pause. “This is weird...”

 

“We're used to it,” grinned Lister, throwing an arm around his other self's shoulders and leading the way to his bunk room.

 

“I take it I'm here.” said Rimmer, trotting alongside the two Listers like a puppy begging for attention.

 

“Oh yes,” said the alternative Lister, with a slightly sour tone.

 

“Am I the same here as I am...here, but my here?” he asked.

 

“I don't know. What are you like?”

 

“A complete bastard,” replied Lister, with a smirk

 

The other Lister responded with a knowing smile and a hollow laugh “Yes. You're the same.”

 

Rimmer's withering look was missed as the pair of Lister's walked onward, his Lister chuckling away at the holograms expense.

 

Nobody noticed the alternate Lister taking a deep breath as he stepped over the threshold of the bunk room that he shared with Rimmer. The room had that oddly similar but totally alien feel to it. The familiar mingled with the completely unaccustomed. The bunks were neatly made but clothes were scattered about the floor. The CDs were lined up neatly in alphabetical order but there was a small sky-scraper of plates on the table. It was the orderly fused, perhaps unwillingly, with the chaotic.

 

“Sorry about the mess,” said the alternate Lister, scrambling around the room, collecting t-shirts and jeans off the floor and depositing them into the laundry bin. “I've erm, not had time to tidy up yet.”

 

“Don't apologise,” said Rimmer, with one of his more socially acceptable smiles “This is practically pristine compared to Lister's usual living quarters.”

 

As if somewhat relieved by this, the alternate Lister smiled but continued to clean nonetheless.

 

There was a crash as the door to the bathroom was flung open, stream spiraling out into the colder air as a figure emerged. “I knew you'd come back, seriously, you need to consider growing a backbone, boy...”

 

Rimmer. In all honesty, who else could it be? This alternate Rimmer was human; no H symbol marked his forehead. He quickly wrapped his towel around his naked and dripping waist and looked to his Lister for an explanation.

 

“They thought this was their Red Dwarf...they're from another universe” said Lister, giving him the information he needed but in that tone he didn't want to hear.

 

Rimmer gave a nod and turned his gaze on Lister and Rimmer. “If you'd excuse me one minute, me and Davey here need to have a little chat,” he gestured for his Lister to follow him out into the corridor. His request was met with a scowl and folded arms – the universal sign that 'it ain’t gonna happen'. Sighing wearily, alternative Rimmer tried to soften his approach. “Two minutes my lad, that's all I'll keep you for.”

 

This time, Lister followed him, albeit grudgingly.

 

“Okay,” said Rimmer once the door to the bunk room had slid closed, leaving them alone in the stretch of corridor. “I think you know what this conversation will be about. An apology.”

 

Alternate Lister sighed; he let his affronted stance give away to something more welcoming. “I'm glad you can see why the way you acted was so bad and-”

 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” drawled Rimmer. “I meant your apology.”

 

The mood switched back as quickly as it has changed. The air crackled with pent up aggression and it began to sting with the promise of a confrontation.

 

“I've nothing to apologise for.”

 

Rimmer laughed, drawing his towel closer to his body “Davey boy – you said some pretty hurtful things. I mean, all that stuff about me not loving you and th-”

 

“You don't love me” he interrupted, staring pointedly at the floor to hide his eyes “Part of me wonders if you ever have.”

 

“Hey...c'mon kid. You know I care about you. I just...need my space.”

 

Dragging his gaze up to meet his lovers, David gave a twisted smile “We're on an empty spaceship, five miles long and you've got an issue about space?”

 

“Don't get pedantic,” snapped Rimmer. “You know damned well what I mean....I never wanted this. I never wanted any of this...” he dragged a hand across his jaw line, massaging his five o' clock shadow and cursing his decision not to shave. “You think this is what I dreamt of before I met you? Winding up alone and 3 millions on the wrong side of time?”

 

“Nice to know I mean so much to you,” said Lister, shouldering his way past Rimmer to save himself the final humiliation of crying in front of the man that made him spill his tears. He called over his shoulder, trying his hardest not to let his voice break “And for the record, Arn...you're not what I dreamt of either....”

 

Alternate Rimmer stood shivering in the cold, damp air of the habitation deck corridor before stepping back into his bunk room. He'd completely forgotten about the other Lister and Rimmer who were in there. He met their expectant gazes with an obviously fake smile.

 

“Hey,” he said, “Listen, normally I'm the 'hostess with the mostess', but would you guys mind taking a stroll while I get my skinny ass into some clothes? I mean, stay if you like but I'd hate to be the reason you suddenly come over all...inadequate.” He sniggered at his own joke and ambled over to his wardrobe, letting Lister and Rimmer slip out.

 

The door slid back into place with a dull 'thunk' behind them.

 

“I don't like him...” said Lister.

 

Rimmer was appalled. “Like him? Lister, you've not even said two words to him, how can you possibly not like him?” he paused “I like him...”

 

“You would,” muttered Lister

 

“Well, why don't you?” enquired Rimmer

 

Lister shrugged to feign indecision “I dunno...summat don't feel right.” He just had a gut feeling about this other Rimmer. Their Rimmer was a bastard - There was no denying that, but in all honesty he was harmless. There was something about this Rimmer, an undercurrent of something truly sinister.

 

Naturally, Rimmer dismissed his feelings as “ridiculous” and wandered off to assist Kryten in something the mechanoid knew how to do perfectly well. Lister took one last look at the locked bunk room door before walking off down the corridor, in search of his other self.

 

Part of him wanted to just let this matter go. Rimmer had a point; he didn't know the alternative Rimmer at all. They'd literally just met, so was it sane to harbour such a strong dislike for the guy? Rimmer would naturally say no, purely on the basis that alternate Rimmer was, well, a Rimmer.

 

Thankfully, Lister didn't have to walk far to find himself. From one of the dark and empty bunk rooms a little way down the corridor came the sound of muffled crying. He stepped cautiously into the room and hoped his other self wouldn't object to the intrusion.

 

“Go away, Rimmer,” came a voice from the bunk “I've had enough arguments for today.”

 

“Sorry mate, wrong guy” said Lister, leaning against the door frame. “Mind if I hit the lights?”

 

There was a pause. Then, “Go ahead.”

 

The cold, clinical Ship Issue fluorescent tubing clicked and buzzed into light, flooding the room with a harsh, inescapable glow. Lister looked at his other self, taking note of the now crumpled demeanour and the red, still wet eyes. The other Lister was staring at his clasped hands and chewing on his lip; obviously hoping to avoid both eye contact and conversation.

 

The usual pre-requisite of a reassuring chat followed “Y'alright?”

 

Alternate Lister grimaced but nodded. “Yeah...yeah, I guess.”

 

“What's the deal with you guys then?” asked Lister, chancing his arm and taking a seat on the bunk. The door slid shut, sealing them both in the room. Safe.

 

A sigh followed by the sharing of a story occurred. “We were...an item, I guess. He gave me a look and I was stupid enough to believe it. I...gave him so much. I asked him for nothing and I guess that's why I got so little in return. I hate him but I love him to the point where it worries me.” He choked on his words, two tears trickled from the corner of his eyes and dripped down his cheeks “He drives me wild, in the good way and the bad way...I love him...” concluded the alternative Lister.

 

“How come you’re both here anyhow? Stasis I assume?”

 

Lister nodded. “He assaulted a superior officer at the bar one night. First time offence, a man of good reputation, well liked, hard working. They let him off easy and I – like the completely arsehole that I am – offered to go into stasis with him.” He gave another sigh and gazed about the room. “Some bloody good it did us...”

 

“So, did you drift apart?”

 

“Not at first. At first, nothing changed. But then...then he stopped caring.” There was an abrupt change of track “You remind me of him.”

 

“I'm actually kinda offended by that” said Lister.

 

Alternative Lister gave a smile “In the old days. He's actually a good guy, when he wants to be, he used to make me laugh so much.” A couple of seconds trickled by unblemished by words. “D'you ever....” he started again, turning to Lister in the hopes of finding solace. “D'you ever feel like you're going to spend the rest of your life completely alone, with no-one else there for you...”

 

“Worryingly, yeah,” admitted Lister, feeling momentarily uncomfortable with the severity of the conversation

 

“Lister...” murmured his other self, leaning closer. So close, the smell of his aftershave clung to the air with a mildly intoxicating effect.

 

“Yeah...” replied Lister, wondering where this was going. In all honesty, he couldn't have guessed it'd go like this.

 

His other self, leaned even closer, his eyes closed in anticipation as his lips met Listers, who tore himself away in utter alarm “What was that!” he demanded with more force than intended. He scooted to the very end of the bed and looked at his other self.

 

“I was...it was a kiss.” he said.

 

“Why would you want to kiss me? I'm you, remember.”

 

“Well, yeah. Technically...”

 

Lister shook his head “Not technically. Definitely. And kissing yourself is just something you don't do. Believe me, I've done it before and it does not end well!”

 

His other self must have chose to ignore his comments in favour of carefully planning out his own. “I just need some affection right now,” he said. His earlier crestfallen mood was replaced by something altogether more bitter.

 

“And you think I'm the best person to get that from?”

 

Alternate Lister twisted his body onto the bunk to face Lister and said, “Have you never heard the phrase 'you'll never love another till you love yourself'?”

 

“I don't think they mean it this literally though...it's practically incest or summat.”

 

“Do you care?”

 

“Course I do...” Didn't he? Oh god no. No. He wasn't even going to board this train of thought. It would only stop off at a station that'd bring him much emotional upheaval and torment.

 

“You admitted you’re lonely,” whispered his other self, leaning forward onto his hands and knees and slowly crawling up the bunk towards him. “And I'm lonely...” his hands brushed against Lister's leg as his body drew closer and closer. “So why can't we both help each other feel...” a hand reached up to touch his cheek, “wanted...”

 

“It's wrong,” said Lister, trying to sound like he meant it.

 

“It's only wrong if it feels wrong,” whispered his other self as he leant in for another kiss. His soft lips brushed Lister's, warm and tingling, this much longed for sensation was making Lister's head swim. He found himself kissing back, his tongue wriggling about enthusiastically. His hands acquired a life of their own and began to feel their way around his other self’s torso, expertly unbuttoning his shirt.

 

Reciprocating the movements, his other self unbuckled Lister's belt and easing him out of his leather jacket. Limbs interlocked, clothes were clumsily discarded onto the floor as the pair kissed and thrashed about on the bunk. Their exertions soon had them covered in a fine layer of sweat, the only barrier between their naked bodies and the chill of the room. Breathless with lust, they fell into a gentle rhythm, moving like one, hands clasped and each with his own secret agenda and desires.

 

It culminated with quiet appreciation, the pair pressed close together, enjoying the proximity. Their fingers were still locked together in almost unnerving desperation. It was his other self that spoke first.

 

“Kryten might be looking for you,” he said, quietly. “It shouldn't take long to plot a new course...”

 

Nodding in agreement, Lister gently eased himself out of the bed. Now was the time when the enormity of what he'd done began to sink in. Ignoring the fact he'd just slept with himself, he'd just slept with someone who was in a relationship. He quickly pulled on his leather pants and was in the process of tugging his t-shirt over his head when his other self spoke: “Thanks...”

 

Turning around, Lister took a good look at him. The alternate Lister was curled up in the bunk, resting his head on his arm and gazing right into Lister's eyes. The loneliness that was so painfully apparent just a short time ago had gone, replaced by a tired but content temperament. Lister hadn't solved his problems; he'd just taken his mind off them for a bit.

 

“I'd better go...I need to be getting back to my own universe. It's erm...been nice.”

 

“I'd say 'see you around' but I don't think that's too likely, do you?” joked his other self, propping himself up on his elbows.

 

“'Fraid not.”

 

“Then it's goodbye I guess....and thanks. Thanks for everything.”

 

Shrugging on his leather jacket, Lister stopped. He caught his other self’s eye and gave his usual chirpy grin. “Any time,A” he said “Any time.”

 

Comments

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

Oh, this was absolutely wonderful! You've got skills, girl! :D

This:

In the distance, a maroon coloured smudge on the great stretch of darkness began to take shape. Closer still, the all too familiar details of the ship became more apparent. That great hulking body, the once bright and shiny crimson coloured coat, flecked with the generic flotsam and jetsam of space and the name RED DWARF emblazoned across the across in big, white letters.
Is just plain good writing. Well crafted!

This Lister, clad in a smart pair of dark navy jeans and a crisp, clean blue shirt
I actually said "uh oh," out loud, at that!

“There are times when you're really annoyin', y'know that!” snapped Lister, “but we call them your good days, but then there's times when you're like this. Times when you're so insufferable, it's a wonder you've never been beaten to death by a major charity, for the good of mankind, obviously.”
You're good with insults! This was pure Grant/Naylor.

There was something about this Rimmer, an undercurrent of something truly sinister.
Yep. You show it very nicely too; in increments. And I love that we never actually find out the details of it. Makes it more... creepy.

I hate him but I love him to the point where it worries me.
Lister is the same in any universe, isn't he, deep down?

Ignoring the fact he'd just slept with himself, he'd just slept with someone who was in a relationship.
I love him. I really love him.


This was chilling, in such an interesting way. The Lister-alternate reminded me of Kochanski's Lister, who, in my private universe, gave in to Kochanski, and let her control him. This one seems to let his Rimmer control him, and that... that scares the hell out of me, truth be told!

[hazeltea.livejournal.com]

I agree. It's very disturbing! Even Rimmer has a sort of awkward feeling about wanting to like himself. Poor Lister doesn't even have Cat in this dimension to talk to, does he? All alone.