Double Trouble - Part 15

[felineranger.livejournal.com]

The final chapter!

 

Double Trouble – Part 15

 

            A few hours later, once he had showered several times and thoroughly cleaned out his light-bee, Rimmer wandered down to the medi-bay to check on how Lister was doing. He was sitting up in bed reading a comic book, but he looked tired and there were dark circles under his eyes, however the smile he greeted Rimmer with seemed genuine. “Hey! My hero!” he said cheerfully. Rimmer blushed awkwardly but he was also relieved. He’d been a little worried about how Lister would react to his presence. He’d surmised that when you’ve been kidnapped and tortured by someone it might be a little distressing to have their exact double hovering over you; however Lister seemed unfazed. 

            “I just thought I’d drop in and see how you were doing. How’s your head?”

“Bump’s still sore,” Lister gingerly touched the bandage on his head, “But Kryten’s satisfied it’s nothing major. Although he’s still been waking me up every hour, which I could have done without.”

“You took a hell of a whack,” Rimmer reminded him gravely.

“I’m a Scouser,” Lister grinned, “I can take it,”

“And the rest?” Lister’s smile faltered a little,

“It hurts like smeg,” he admitted, “But I’ve taken painkillers and Kryten’s put some special cream on the burns. I’ll be okay.”

            “Listen,” Rimmer traced a pattern on the floor with his foot, “I just wanted you to know that I had no idea what he was planning. If I’d known what he was going to do, I would have never...”

“I know that, man,” Lister interrupted gently.

“I just felt that after we had that argument...and what I said...”

“Rimmer, we had a row. It’s what we do,” Lister said patiently, “I know you had no part in what he did to me. Trust me. We’re okay.” Rimmer fidgeted anxiously,

“And you know...what he said...about us both wanting the same thing...” Lister shook his head, smiling slightly; “You don’t even have to say it, guy.”

            Rimmer sighed with relief. “I hope you won’t mind,” he said, “But I went over the black box footage from the transporter. I felt like I needed to know everything that happened.”

“Why?” Lister asked puzzled.

“Because it’s partly my fault. Because if I’d realised sooner what was going on, we might have been able to get to you before things turned as nasty as they did.” This was only partly true. Rimmer had wanted to know just how much his double had said to Lister about him. To his relief, aside from those last desperate moments before Rimmer had shut him down, the double appeared to have said nothing which would incriminate him. “Oh, come on,” Lister said, “There’s no way you could have predicted this. Even if you’d betrayed him and told me how he felt days ago, what would have been different? I still would have gone down there to talk to him and I still would have gone alone. It wouldn’t have changed anything.”

“Perhaps not.”

            Rimmer fished in his pocket and held out the inactive light-bee. “I thought maybe you should decide what we’re going to do with him,” he said, “After all, he’s had a good try at killing you in at least two dimensions; and for all we know he might have succeeded in one.  It seems fair.” Lister didn’t take it from him. “What about you?” he asked.

“What about me?”

“You’re the person who probably understands him the best. If you’d been in his place do you think you would have been the same? Do you sympathise?”

“No,” Rimmer said, a little too abruptly, “And I don’t think there was a big difference in circumstances.  I think it was all in his head.”

“We don’t know what happened in his dimension,” Lister picked at a loose thread on the blanket, seeming uneasy, “Maybe his Lister was playing with him. Maybe that’s how he kept himself sane. I entertain myself by winding you up after all; perhaps he’d just discovered a different way of doing it. A nasty way, maybe, but the principle’s the same.”

            Rimmer shook his head, “He told me a lot about his Lister and what went on between them and it really didn’t sound any different to the way we interact with each other. I don’t think the Lister in his dimension had any idea what was going on under the surface of the relationship – any more than you did.”

“Maybe he should have looked more closely,” Lister said glumly, “And maybe I should have too. I mean, how can you live with somebody for that long and just not notice that they have those kind of feelings? How self-absorbed would you have to be?”

            Rimmer looked at him carefully. Twenty-four hours ago he’d been convinced that the man sitting next to him was a cruel, self-centred manipulator. He’d wanted to believe that Lister knew how he felt, because that would mean that Rimmer would never have to tell him. He’d wanted to believe Lister was playing with him because it would mean that there was a part of Lister that wanted Rimmer’s attention just as badly as he wanted his. But when his double had explained what had happened in that other dimension it had all become ridiculously clear to him how things really were.

             Lister had never been trying to play with his feelings. Lister had truly had no idea how he felt; just like the other Lister had been oblivious to his double’s obsession. He wasn’t manipulative and he wasn’t self-absorbed either. He’d never realised because Rimmer had never made the effort to reach out and let him know he cared. And when that other Lister had made the effort, had tried to reach out to his double in a drunken moment of tenderness, the gesture had backfired more devastatingly than he ever could have imagined. All because Rimmer couldn’t deal with his haywire emotions. All because Rimmer needed to think the worst of others so he wouldn’t see the worst in himself. 

            “You can’t blame yourself, Lister,” he said firmly, “He,” (We), his mind added treacherously, “Never gave you any reason to think that his feelings for you were anything other than negative. You were right in what you said to him. He didn’t understand how to love somebody.” 

“I didn’t mean that,” Lister said sadly, “I only said it to be cruel. I thought if I hurt him enough he might just kill me and get it all over with.” He smiled wryly, “Maybe it would have worked if I hadn’t said the ‘A-word’.”

“Oh, yes,” Rimmer tried to force some humour into his voice, “He’d managed to convince himself you’d had some kind of sordid one-night-stand with Ace!” He managed to convince me too, smeghead that I am.

“Mmmm, I gathered,” Lister flicked a distracted glance at the ceiling, “I’ll never look at my rubber ducky the same way again, that’s for sure.”

“Stupid really,” Rimmer said, “I mean...you and Ace. As if.”

            Lister took the light-bee from him and looked at it carefully, “You know,” he said gently, “I know I should be angry. I know I should want to crush this thing into a million tiny pieces and jump on them. But somehow...it just makes me sad. I wish there was a way I could have explained to him, made him see sense.”

“Are you serious?” Rimmer asked. Lister shrugged sadly,

“He just wanted to be loved,” he said simply.

“Oh, for smeg’s sake,” Rimmer said uncomfortably, “Even you’re not that sentimental, surely?” Lister sighed and handed it back to him,

“I’m just saying it’s sad, that’s all. Do whatever you think is right.”

“Me? How do I know?” Rimmer asked, “Doing the right thing is your forte, not mine.”

“Not this time, I think,” Lister said, “It’s down to you, Big Man. Don’t tell me what you decided until it’s done.”

“Thanks a lot,” Rimmer said sarcastically.

“Any time. Listen, I’m tired. Let me get some shut eye before Kryten comes back, would you?”

“Niet problemski,” Rimmer stood and went to leave but Lister’s voice made him turn back, “Rimmer?”

“Yes?”

“Thanks for the rescue, man. I don’t think I said that before. What you did...with the garbage cannon and everything...that was really brave of you.”

“You’re welcome,” Rimmer said blankly. He didn’t often have to field compliments and wasn’t quite sure what else to say. He scurried out before he said something wrong, turning his double’s light-bee anxiously over and over in his hands.

            Lister watched him go then lay down, settled his sore head gingerly on the hard pillow and closed his eyes.  He just wanted to be loved. Maybe he really was being overly sentimental but he couldn’t shake the sadness he felt. Because even if it was wrong, even if it was frightening, even if someone was doing unspeakable things to you with a chisel while they said it, it was still nice to hear somebody say ‘I love you’. How sad was that? 

            He drifted away and, just before he fell into a deep sleep, he had a thought that he wouldn’t remember when he awoke. Which was that perhaps, for some certain people, being cruel to you was the only outlet they could find for their feelings....

 

            Rimmer put the light-bee in a shoebox at the back of his wardrobe, safe but hidden. Just like all the other parts of himself he was too afraid or ashamed to reveal. He would keep it, if only to remind himself of what he might have – and what he had so nearly - become. He would tell Lister he’d flushed it into space.  Maybe then at least Lister could feel convinced that Rimmer felt no kinship with the twisted fool, even if Rimmer himself knew different. He couldn’t bear for Lister to think, even for a second, that he might empathise or even understand what had driven his double to such insane lengths. He knew he could never admit his feelings to Lister now, even if he’d been able to sum up the courage. After what had happened he’d probably have nightmares if Rimmer so much as smiled at him, and who could blame him? Who was he kidding? It probably would have given him nightmares even before all this mess if he knew the truth. 
           It was only later that night, when he lay down to sleep and thought again about his talk with Lister, that it occurred to him that at no point on that black box recording had his double ever said anything to Lister about the bathtub...or the rubber duck.   

             

 

Comments

[alyeen1.livejournal.com]

Just reread all parts. Wonderful and really dramatic.

if only to remind himself of what he might have – and what he had so nearly - become
Beautiful character-development of our Rimmer through the story (and happy that in the end there was a difference between him and his double).

(And I think I want a rubber duck ;-)