Fic: Top Heavy

[sunny-bexster.livejournal.com]

Title: Top Heavy
Pairing: Rimmer/Lister
Rating: PG-13 for some lewd and crude words
Summary: Rimmer enjoys the benefits of Lister’s mishap with the medi-bot.
Disclaimer:  Not mine, so please do not sue...I know lawyers.

SPOILERS: slight spoilers for Lemons!

Notes: I’m not going to lie...this isn’t the weirdest thing I’ve ever written...Also, thanks to kms726for helping and editing.

Rimmer looked up from ‘Battle of Thermopolis: More than just man pecks?’ as he heard the bunkroom doors ‘whoosh’ open, signalling Lister’s return from his appointment with the medi-bot.

“How’d it go?” he asked, closing the book shut on the chapter hypothesising that the near-success of the Spartans was probably down to steroid abuse.

“Not good,” came the reply.

At that, Rimmer’s interest was piqued. Truthfully, his initial enquiry was something he lumped under ‘general relationship
obligations’ – he had to ask how Lister’s more than routine appointment had gone, or else Lister would feel the teensiest bit hurt that Rimmer didn’t have anything better to do with his time. But now...something was different, wrong even and that meant Rimmer was genuinely intrigued.

“In what way ‘not good’?” he asked, raising the eyebrows a single notch to convey his inquisitiveness.

“I’m feelin’ kinda...” Lister shrugged, which appeared difficult seeing as he had his arms crossed across his chest, palms wedged in his armpits.

“Yes?” poked Rimmer, his eyebrows poised for further raisings.

Lister looked sheepish. “...top heavy...” – he let his arms drop to his sides and quickly averted his eyes anywhere but at his bunkmate. Unfortunately he was unable to avert his hearing elsewhere too.

“Smegging hell!” came the exclamation.

Rimmer ogled – ogled – Lister’s new and exceedingly different frame. The fabric of his black t-shirt was pulled taut across the new additions to his chest, bunching in a manner that managed to look messy but endearing at the same time. The fact Lister’s nipples were trying in vain to be visible beneath the heavy cotton merely added to the peculiarity of the moment.

Rimmer abandoned his book and his chair for the hopes of a closer look. “My God,” he said, “what are you, a 40DD?” he flushed. “Or...something like that...”

Lister looked up - half aghast, half annoyed. “I woke up with tits, Rimmer – I wasn’t that fussed about how smegging’ big they were!” he glanced down at the offending protrusions. “Smeggin’ hell – I go for a rube job and end up gettin’...’” – he gestured wildly at his breasts.

“A boob job?” said Rimmer, finishing the sentence for him. “And the first thing you did was come running home to show off your new knockers? I must say Listy, you can be a bit of an old tart sometimes...”

“No Rimmer, the first thing I did was wonder why the smeg I’ve now got breasts!” he scowled and strode past the hologram. “Oddly enough, showing them off to you was the last thing on my mind.” He shrugged his shoulders out of his leather jacket, not failing to notice the way his upper body bounced and jiggled as his did so. Rimmer hadn’t failed to notice either.

“Why didn’t you get them fixed there and then?” asked Rimmer, tugging the collar of tunic away from the hologrammatic flesh of his neck.

“The medi-bot won’t touch me for another 24 hours – something about needin’ to wait for the quick heal gel to...well, heal."

“Can I touch them?” asked Rimmer, holding his palms up by way of explanation.

“What?!”

“Your boobs...can I touch them?”

Lister’s face was slack with abject horror. “why would you say that?” he demanded.

“Because I want to touch them, obviously!” replied Rimmer, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

A few seconds ticked by, which Rimmer greeted with obvious anticipation. Lister, to his credit, looked conflicted. He glanced down at his enhanced chest, the corner of his mouth twisting slightly as he wondered whether...

“No,” he said sharply, flicking the very idea away with a shake of his head. “No way. Not happening. Not on your life, not on your death – you are not touching my boobs...”

“Oh come on!” moaned Rimmer, as he chased Lister over to the kitchen area. “Just once, please!”

“Rimmer, what’s so special about my breasts?” asked Lister, flushing a little as he asked it.

“What needs to be special about them? Just the fact you’ve got a pair of ta-tas is astounding enough!”

Lister groaned and hauled open the fridge, feeling a lack of alcohol in his system was merely compounding his current problem. Rimmer meanwhile, persisted with his whinging.

“Please? Pretty please?”

Snapping open a can, Lister himself snapped. “Rimmer, I’m sure you’ve held a pair of tits before, right?”

The silence that followed was awkward.

“...oh...” said Lister, before adding, “...really?” – he knew his lover had never had much luck with the ladies but...surely someone had let him have a go on their areolas?

“I nudged a Lollipop lady in the boob with my elbow once...does that count?” asked Rimmer, his cheeks burning bright with a heady mix of embarrassment and annoyance.

“No”.

“Okay then...”

Lister knew he should stop this line of enquiry, but he was finding this revelation so...obvious, with hindsight, but also so complex and odd. “What about McGruder, I mean you two-”

“She wouldn’t let me touch them,” interrupted Rimmer, the rouge glow to his cheeks flaring up once again. “And I was never breastfed as a child...”

“You don’t say?” said Lister, in a tone so sarcastic it stripped some paint off the walls.

“You’ve got to let me play with your funbags now, Listy!” he looked imploring at the Scouser “I’ve been deprived – I’ve missed out on a life-affirming activity!”

Lister could feel his will buckling. Rimmer knew to play the ‘I never got to do this whilst alive’ card and shortly after, Lister would start to feel insensitive...but dammit, the human still had some reputation left.

“Rimmer, you’re basically beggin’ me for permission to go to second base!”

The hologram’s flared his nostrils seductively. “I’ll buy you dinner?”.

“Smeg off!”

Clearly aggravated, the hologram threw his arms in the air. “What is it you want then? Flowers, jewellery?” he scoffed. “Face it, Listy – you’re no spring chicken...you need to grab on to the next available bloke,” he pointed to himself. “...no pressure...”

“No pressure?” Lister laughed derisively. “Rimmer, I’ve seen more subtle seduction techniques behind bike sheds! And that usually involves the phrase ‘wanna suck this?!” With an air of finality, he firmly crossed his arms over his newly acquired lady-parts and glowered at Rimmer.

“One squeeze,” said Rimmer, chancing his arm with a coy smile. “That’s all I want – one little squeeze of your dirty pillows...”

Lister shook his head. “And you wonder why you never scored with women...” – visibly deflating with defeat, he uncrossed his arm and exposed his t-shirted chest for Rimmer’s eager hands.

Rimmer’s definitions of ‘one’ and ‘squeeze’ clearly differed from Lister’s definitions...or anyone else’s definitions for that matter.  Lister let it go though...only out of the fact he was quite enjoying what Rimmer was up to.

It didn’t take long for Lister to shed what few inhibitions remained about his new breasts, and shortly after that his clothing disappeared too.

“Oh Listy, you’ve got wonderful sweatermeat,” grunted Rimmer, as the pair collapsed backwards onto the neatly made bunk and began to unmake it. Lister should have taken issue with the poorly phrased compliment had he not been preoccupied trying to rip off Rimmer’s tunic.

Some time later, Lister was feeling somewhat self-conscious and Rimmer was feeling Lister.

“They are pretty big aren’t they?” observed Lister, not knowing whether to feel proud or shy.

“I think they’re smegging fantastic” said Rimmer, running the tips of his fingers across the curves of Lister’s chest. “Can we keep them?”

“No, I’m gettin’ them reduced tomorrow – there’s no way I’m walkin’ around with these for the rest of me life...even if it does get you all...” Lister wriggled his shoulders in a suggestive manner, causing jiggling further down his torso.

“Does it have to be tomorrow?” Rimmer hauled himself up towards the head of the bunk. “I mean, can’t you make it the day after? Smeg, even an evening appointment would do!”

Lister sighed. “What d’you have in mind?”

The hologram smiled and opened his mouth, but Lister beat him to it. “Wait, don’t tell me” he raised an eyebrow. “This is going to be one of those moments where you try and get me into a leather peep-hole bra, isn’t it?”

“...you’ve spoilt the surprise now...” moaned Rimmer.

“Forget it, Rimmer.” came the firm reply. “It’s ‘Victoria’s Secret’ or nothin’.” and with that, Lister rolled over and fell almost instantly asleep.

It took a few seconds for Rimmer to cotton on. Barely believing his luck, he slipped out of bed, hurriedly dressed and made his way out into the corridor – ready to play the amended locker room game...involving only the knicker drawers of female crew.

Pausing briefly, he leant back into the bunkroom. “Listy...if I get the pants to match, would you consider wearing them?”

Silence, punctuated by snores was the reply.

Smiling smarmily, Rimmer marched off down the corridor, content to have that battle on the morrow.

Comments

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

Dirty dirty fun time. The language and innuendos in this are brilliant - I'm glad the worst of my cold is on the back end so I could laugh without going into spams of coughing fits.

And, as far as I can tell, there are only three of us who've written RDX fic so far. Smegging hell!

(None of my Dwarf icons would do this justice. This best captures my expression upon reading.)

[bayliss.livejournal.com]

Oh that was... smegging Hilarious. :-)

[janamelie.livejournal.com]

I think something's gone wrong with the beginning of the fic - there seems to be some missing text?

Having said that, I like this. Funny in a suggestive way and the thought of Lister with breasts is oddly appealing. Sudden thought - I wonder if he grew them to breastfeed the twins when he was pregnant? :p

[kms726.livejournal.com]

*cough* Me and Bex believe so. It's certainly implied in Parallel Universe (the 'equipment' line, Lister's hand gestures and the fact no one from the PU corrected him) and in the storyboard for 'Dad'. Plus all those pregnancy hormones would do some pretty smegging strange things to his body ;D

So I think the answer is yes--he did! In fact, in Bodyswap that always crosses my mind when Lister gets his body back and accuses Rimmer of giving him a bosom. Don't blame Rimmer! teehee

*shuts up* ;)

[janamelie.livejournal.com]

It's OK, I was basically asking you anyway as I knew you'd have an opinion. ;)

You're right - it's implied fairly strongly in "Dad" that all the traditional effects of pregnancy have taken hold of his body.

[kms726.livejournal.com]

You were right :)

It makes perfect sense to me that he would. It's not just Listy; it's a widely-unacknowledged fact that men are completely capable--and are in fact nature's backup to breastfeeding if the mother dies, as recorded in olden days. This knowledge would assuredly make many men uncomfortable and possibly start a few wars... ;D

But yeah. I can grudgingly admit that I can see why Rob and Doug dropped the storyline. Some elements like this might've made audiences squeamish. Still, I've gotta laugh at their "raw plugs" line in 'Dad' lol!

[janamelie.livejournal.com]

That book title is priceless. :D

[kms726.livejournal.com]

I thought so, too :)

[sunny-bexster.livejournal.com]

Post edited, thanks for spotting! :)

[kronette.livejournal.com]

We have a winner! YEEHAW! Oh, that was fun. Poor Rimmer, never even got to second base. At least Lister is nice and somewhat forgiving :)

[trollsb.livejournal.com]

This was very entertaining :)

[laurenthemself]

This is FABULOUS :D

[alyeen1.livejournal.com]

Ah, I have the image in my mind! That was great! Bliss :-)

[kathie-d.livejournal.com]

omg, hillarious!!! I have to say though.... 'sweatermeat'?? Seriously, has anyone in the entire history of the universe ever said 'sweatermeat' before? It is the most incredible word ever, and I plan to use it more often in every day conversation. :-)