Okay, I don't know what just happened or how to fix it...

[epic-rhythm.livejournal.com]

So I figured I'd just repost this. Sorry about that.

Title: Accidental Fairytale: Chapter One
Author: epic_rhythm
Pairing: Lister/Rimmer
Rating: PG
Summary: Whilst trying to relieve their boredom, the boys end up in a very familiar fairytale.
Disclaimer: I don't own Red Dwarf. If I did, I'd have much more interesting things to do then sit here writing fanfic.

Accidental Fairytale: Chapter One

 

“Rimmer, I’m bored,” Lister exclaimed, throwing down the comic book he’d been reading.

 

“Not my problem,” Rimmer replied, not taking his eyes off the Napoleon biography he was currently engrossed in, "Turn," he instructed, and the page obeyed.

 

Lister rolled over so he was facing the wall and began idly drumming his fingers on the grey plaster. The soft pad of his fingers gradually became louder until eventually he was banging so hard the bunks were beginning to vibrate.

 

Rimmer sighed loudly and snapped his book shut.

 

“Lister, is that really necessary?”

 

“Yes,” Lister replied simply. When Rimmer made no reply Lister spoke again, “I’m just so smegging bored.”

 

“Well, find something else to read,” Rimmer suggested.

 

“I haven’t got anything else,” Lister claimed, “I’ve read every comic on the ship.”

 

Rimmer stood up and walked over to his bunk, instructing Lister to follow him. 

"You see that book there, with the blue cover?"

Lister nodded.

 "You can read that,” Rimmer said.

 

Lister dove down under the bunk and pulled the book out. He looked down at the book he now held and pulled a face. History’s Greatest Wars: Volume III. He opened the book and began to read. Moments later, that book joined the comic on the floor. Rimmer lifted his head at the thud and raised his eyebrow.

 

“It’s boring,” Lister said, answering Rimmer’s unspoken question.

 

Rimmer just sighed again and turned back to his own book. No point in getting into yet another argument. 

"Turn," he commanded.

Silence descended on the room, but not for long.

 

“Rimmer! I’m bored!” Lister cried in frustration.

 

"Close!" Rimmer demanded, eyes flashing as he turned to Lister. 
 

“What do you want me to do about it Lister? I’m not your babysitter. You want something to do? Go and find the Cat. The two of you can play one of those stupid games you’re always inventing. Or go and see if Kryten needs any help with the laundry. Or, I don’t know…go play in the cargo bay. Just leave me in peace!”

Lister groaned and sat up slowly before dragging himself out of his bunk.

 

“I’m going, I’m going…don’t get ya knickers in a twist!”

 

He ambled over to the door and turned to give Rimmer the finger before leaving the room. Rimmer commanded the book to open again and then continued reading from where he had left off. His respite, however, was brief. Barely fifteen minutes later Lister came bouncing back into the room, only now he was full of energy and clearly excited about something.

 

“Rimmer! Come on man, we’re gonna play a game.”

 

Rimmer peered at Lister over the top of his book.

 

“And what, pray tell, makes you think I would be interested for even one moment, in any game that your warped, and quite frankly microscopic, mind has come up with?”

 

Lister decided to take the mature option and merely pulled a face at his roommate.

 

“It’s not my game Smeghead, it’s Holly’s. She’s found a bunch of old AR discs, thought they might be useful you know? So are ya comin’ or what?”

 

Rimmer looked down at his book, and then back at Lister before shrugging.

 

“I suppose someone ought to come and make sure you don’t get into any trouble,” he said resignedly, and followed Lister down the corridor.

 

When they arrived at the AR room Cat and Kryten were already strapped into their chairs. Rimmer and Lister quickly joined them and the four turned their heads in Holly’s direction to await instructions.

 

“So Hol, what are we playing?” Lister asked excitedly. It had been weeks since they’d found an AR disk and Lister was beginning to tire of visiting the same old places and sleeping with the same old women.

 

Holly shrugged.

 

“Dunno Dave. None of the disks are marked. Could be anything,” she said, with all her characteristic unconcern.

 

“What? Let me out!” Rimmer demanded, “There’s no way I’m going into some game without prior knowledge of the dangers I might be forced to save you all from.”

 

Lister was just about to respond when the room went dark and the four felt that familiar feeling that told them that Holly had gone ahead and inserted the disk anyway.

 

When Lister opened his eyes he was standing in a clearing in the middle of a dense, green forest. His eyes scanned the area but he could see no sign of his crewmates. Spotting a path to his left, Lister set off into the forest.

 

The Cat and Kryten, meanwhile, had found themselves in a small cottage. In the middle of the room was a large bed, a few chairs were scattered around the place and a few paintings decorated the otherwise bare walls.

 

“Damn, whoever owns this place could sure use some style!” Cat exclaimed, wrinkling his nose in disgust as he picked at the corner of the rainbow-hued embroidered eiderdown that covered the bed.

 

“Might I suggest Sir that we examine the perimeter of the building and attempt to ascertain the whereabouts of Mr. Rimmer and Mr. Lister?” Kryten suggested.

 

The door burst open just as they were about to open it and five men marched in, all singing and carrying axes. Cat and Kryten stepped back, eyebrows raised, as the last man entered the room and closed the door. The five men turned to face the strangers with suspicion.

 

“Good afternoon Sirs, my name is Kryten and my colleague here is Mr. Cat.”

 

What looked to be the eldest of the five men stepped forward.

 

“Pleased to meet you Mr. Kryten. My name is Doc and this is Sleepy, Happy, Grumpy and Dopey.”

 

Cat and Kryten exchanged puzzled glances but said nothing. Kryten then proceeded to tell the men who they were and where they had come from, with the Cat adding less than helpful remarks about his wardrobe, his hair and his general cool-ness wherever possible.

 

“We’re looking for some friends of ours. Have you seen ‘em?” Cat asked hopefully.

 

“They’d look like you, sort of, only slightly more unusual,” Kryten added.

 

The men shrugged. 

 

“The only unusual thing we’ve seen around here lately is that clear boxy thing that appeared in the wood.”

 

“Clear boxy thing?” Kryten repeated.

 

Doc nodded.

 

“Appeared in the woods this afternoon, just like you appeared in here.” 

 

Cat’s eyes lit up.

 

“Starbug?” he suggested, looking at Kryten, who just shook his head.

 

“I’m afraid that’s impossible Sir. The AR game only works on things that are plugged into the machine.”

 

“Think we should check it out anyway?”

 

“Well, it can’t hurt. Maybe it will help us track down Mr. Rimmer and Mr. Lister. Excuse me Mr. Doc, would you be able to take us to this ‘clear boxy thing’?”

 

Doc nodded.

 

“Follow me,” he said.

 

Cat and Kryten watched in bemusement as the four other men fell into line behind Doc, whistling as they made their way out the door. They followed Doc through the thick forest until they stumbled upon a small clearing. In the centre of clearing was a box made of glass.

 

“There it is,” Doc exclaimed, “Do you recognise it?”

 

“Never seen it before in my life,” Kryten replied.

 

“What’s inside it?” Cat asked, sniffing the air and cautiously making his way towards it.

 

Doc shrugged, “Don’t know. Didn’t look.”

 

Cat leant over the box, peering inside and got the shock of his life.

 

“It’s Rimmer!” he cried.

 

Kryten rushed over to look. In the box lay Rimmer, fast asleep with his hands folded across his chest.

 

“My gosh, you’re right! It is Mr. Rimmer. We’ve got to get him out of there.”

 

Kryten and Cat yelled in his ear, pulled his hair, pushed, poked and prodded but Rimmer wouldn’t wake up. It was like he was in a coma.

 

“Well that’s just great,” the Cat said despondently, “Now what are we supposed to do?”

 

The clearing fell silent as everyone tried to work out how they could wake Rimmer up. Well, nearly everyone. The Cat caught sight of his reflection in the glass and spent the rest of the time thinking about how stylish he was looking. The sound of footfalls in the distance snapped everyone out of their reverie and the men looked around in alarm.

 

“What is it?” Kryten asked, glancing around nervously.

 

Cat was just about to suggest they make a run for it when his ears picked up some very familiar off-key whistling.

 

“I think it’s Lister!”

 

As the footfalls got closer, and the whistling louder, Kryten nodded.

 

“It has to be!”

 

When Lister eventually came into view, Kryten and Cat rushed forward to greet him but stopped when they saw the look of shock on Lister’s face.

 

“Kryten man, what happened to you?”

 

“What do you mean what happened to me Sir?”

 

Lister took a couple of steps closer and both the Cat and Kryten suddenly realised that they were only as tall as Lister’s waist.

 

“Wow man, you’ve really grown!” Cat exclaimed.

 

“No I haven’t. You’ve shrunk! You’ve become midgets! What the hell kind of game is this?”

 

Doc, who had previously been regarding the stranger with the same suspicious gaze with which he had greeted Kryten and Cat, chose this moment to make his presence known.

 

“Am I right in thinking that this is one of the friends you were looking for?”

 

“That is correct Doc,” Kryten replied.

 

“And the man in the glass case, is he one of your friends?”

 

“The man in the glass case?” Lister asked, looking confused.

 

Cat pointed to the box which held Rimmer.

 

“Rimmer’s in there man, and we don’t know how to get him out.”

 

Lister walked over to the box and looked down at Rimmer.

 

“This is just too weird,” he said to himself.

 

He looked around and realised that everyone was watching him. And that the other five men were all midgets as well. Somewhere in the back of his mind an alarm bell went off.  Lister looked down at the case and back at the group of men before his expression became one of complete horror.

 

“This can’t be happening to me,” he murmured, pacing up and down the clearing.

 

“Mr. Lister Sir, is something wrong?” Kryten asked, concerned as ever.

 

“You’re not midgets are you? You’re dwarves,” Lister said.

 

Cat raised an eyebrow.

 

“Bro, what are you talking about?”

 

Lister was about to reply when Doc spoke up.

 

“That is correct Sir. We are dwarves. My name is Doc, and this is Sleepy, Happy, Grumpy and Dopey.”

 

Lister walked over to the nearest tree and began banging his head against it.

 

“Oh Mr. Lister, please stop that. You’ll hurt yourself,” Kryten shouted, going into a panic at the state of his friend.

 

“You’re not midgets,” Lister repeated, “You’re dwarves. And there’s seven of you. This is Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. You’re the dwarves. Rimmer is Snow White...,” Lister couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence.

 

“Snow White?” Kryten said, “I don’t understand.”

 

Lister sighed.

 

“It’s a fairytale Krytes, a story for kids. There’s this girl right, called Snow White, and she lives with these seven dwarves. Her evil stepmother puts a curse on her. A curse that can only be broken by a kiss.”

 

Kryten nodded.

 

“So if Rimmer is Snow White, and Cat and I are the dwarfs…what does that make you?”

 

“The unluckiest bastard on the planet,” Lister sighed, pulling a disgusted face.

 

Kryten just looked puzzled.

 

“I’m the handsome prince Krytes. It’s me who has to kiss Rimmer.”

 

That finally got Cat’s attention, and the feline looked up from the mirror and made a sort of strangled noise.

 

“Kiss Rimmer? ERRRGH. Do you have to?”

 

“Believe me Cat, if there was another way I’d take it. The possibility of kissing Rimmer is about as exciting as a colonic irrigation.”

 

Lister looked down at his watch and tapped it. Maybe if he could contact Holly she could get them out without him having to put his lips anywhere near Rimmer’s. The watch face however, remained stubbornly black and Lister kicked a rock in frustration. He looked down at his watch again and an idea occurred to him.

 

“Mirror, mirror on the wall…” he began, and immediately Holly’s face came into view.

 

“Hello Dave, how’s it going?”

 

“Not too well actually Holly. How could you put us in a fairytale? I thought we were gonna have an adventure, fight some bad guys, meet some girls…you know the drill.”

 

“Sorry Dave. I told you the disks were unmarked. How was I supposed to know?”

 

“Never mind Holly. Just get us out of here would ya?”

 

“I can’t Dave. You’ve got to finish the story. It’s in the rules,” Holly replied, and Lister could detect a faint hint of amusement in her voice.

 

“No smegging way,” Lister snarled, “I am not kissing that pompous, annoying, condescending Smeghead of a git. No way.”

 

Holly shrugged.

 

“Suit yourself.”

 

The dwarves, realising that the strangers no longer needed them, said their goodbyes and headed home, leaving just Lister, Cat and Kryten in the clearing. Neither Cat or Kryten dared to suggest that Lister just kiss Rimmer so they could get back to Starbug, so the three sat in silence, waiting for another solution to present itself. Lister looked at Cat and Kryten and sighed.

 

“What are we gonna do?”

 

“It seems to me Sir, that we have two options. One, we complete this ‘fairytale’ and go home or two, we don’t complete the ‘fairytale’ and live out the rest of our lives in this forest.”

 

“Live the rest of my life with only one suit? You’re out of your mind!” Cat cried.

 

“Not much of a choice then is it?” Lister said.

 

Cat and Kryten shook their heads. Lister sighed and walked nervously over to the case.

 

“Better get it over and done with then. Do you mind turning around. I’d rather you not see this.”

 

“Believe me man; I don’t want to see this!”

 

Cat and Kryten turned around, heading a short distance down the path they had followed to get here. Lister leant over the case and gave Rimmer the briefest of pecks before pulling away, disgust marring his features. Rimmer didn’t move. Resigning himself to the fact that if he didn’t kiss Rimmer properly it wasn’t going to work, Lister leant in again. His eyes slid shut as his lips brushed over Rimmer’s. Lister gradually increased the pressure and one hand slid up to brush over Rimmer’s cheek. When he felt Rimmer’s lips begin to move under his own, he pulled back. Rimmer blinked slowly and looked up into Lister’s eyes, clearly confused.

 

“Lister, did you just kiss me? How dare you take advantage of me like that? Just because you’ve got some sort of sick fascination with me does not mean that you can molest me whenever you feel like it!”

 

Rimmer jumped up out of the case and glared at Lister. Lister just sighed, he’d expected this sort of reaction.

 

“We’re stuck in a fairytale world. Snow White, to be exact. I had to kiss you to wake you up. You don’t actually think I’d actually kiss you of my own free will do you?”

 

Rimmer and Lister never got to finish their argument because at that moment Kryten and Cat came rushing back into the clearing.

 

“We heard voices. Are you alright Mr. Rimmer?”

 

“Is Rimmer alright? What about me? I’m the one who had to kiss the ugly sod!” Lister cried.

 

“Too true,” Cat replied, placing a sympathetic hand on Lister’s shoulders.

 

The air began to swirl once again and before they knew it, everyone was back in the AR room. Rimmer pulled off his belt and bolted from the room, muttering something about washing his mouth out. Kryten excused himself and went to prepare dinner and the Cat went off to admire his wardrobe again, leaving Lister alone in the room. He took his time unfastening his belt and then stood up. He touched his fingers to his lips softly before shaking his head and heading off for his shift in the cockpit.

 

Comments

[lady-draco.livejournal.com]

*giggles*

That was fun! I laughed out loud quite a few times which is a bit embarrassing as I am at work.

Nice one =)

[roadstergal.livejournal.com]

That was quite sweet! :D And the characters were very good.

I do have a little minor concrit. Toss me an email (mailto:roadstergal@gmail.com) if you want it.

[roxulasbride.livejournal.com]

*lol* that's a fun one!

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

Big fan of kisses me, so you know this makes me happy! :)
Some lovely kiss details - quite yummy. I like how you write the boys, especially Lister; him nagging Rimmer was a lot of fun.

Hope to see more fics from you!

[pikapal101.livejournal.com]

Ohmigod!
I was giggling all the way through this! But, the other people in my house are asleep, so I had to bite my tongue and cover my mouth with my hand...
It was hilarious! And this kisses were great and I LOVE this line:

"Just because you’ve got some sort of sick fascination with me does not mean that you can molest me whenever you feel like it!”

LOL!

[queen-fiend.livejournal.com]

Hehe, that was so funny and cute! :D

I loved this part: “I can’t Dave. You’ve got to finish the story. It’s in the rules,” Holly replied, and Lister could detect a faint hint of amusement in her voice.