Fic: Need - R/f, R/L (imp) - PG-13

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

Title: Need
Pairing: Rimmer/female, Rimmer/Lister (implied)
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I still still don't own Red Dwarf even, and I yet still don't make money writing this still.
Spoilers: Stoke Me A Clipper
Notes: This story was originally written for roadstergal, and resides with her in paper form. I have reconstructed it as best I could from memory, changed it a little, and present it to you here.




The girl was young and leggy and beautiful, of the pastel-haired, vacant-eyed and saccharine-voiced variety, and they had just had sex about as many times as they practically could. That awkward, post-coital silence had been given time to settle in, and all Rimmer wanted now was to get her safely back to her mother before attempts at conversation happened.

“Ace? What's that?”

Swallowing a sigh of annoyance, Rimmer resisted the urge to scratch at his Ace-wig. “What's what, old squirrel?”

“This! I found it lying underneath your bunk.” Because he hadn't turned to look at her, Rimmer couldn't see whatever it was she was indicating. He tried to summon enough interest to care.

“Really, my little turkish delight?”

“But you don't need that sort of thing, do you?” Giving in and throwing a glance over his shoulder, Rimmer stiffened as he saw the small, blue bottle the girl was holding in her hand. Hitting the auto-pilot button with the heel of his hand, he turned towards her, and reached out to grab it.

“Of course not, sugar-drawers. Just give it to me.” She was right, of course; he didn't need it. As a hologram, his body was not subject to the limitations and ailments of a biological body. It was a stupid, pointless thing for him to be having around, and he shouldn't care, but somehow the idea of this woman sitting there fondling it so casually just seemed wrong.

Undeterred, the girl rambled on, making no moves to surrender the bottle. “I mean, you're such a perfectly wonderful lover,” she cooed, “and so I found it quite funny, really.”

“Quite,” Rimmer mumbled, a little tersely, “so give it here, dumpling.”

“I mean, I'm sure you could have lasted for even longer, because you didn't even...”

“Just give it here, you gibbering twat,” Rimmer barked. Wide-eyed, the girl complied, crossing her arms and spending the rest of the ride in a sullen silence. Switching off the auto pilot, Rimmer took her safely back home, which thankfully wasn't very far away at this point. Following the rules of his persona, he accepted her mother's gushing words of praise and thanks, all the while cringing inside. Everything over and done with, he stepped into his ship, settling into orbit around the small, lushly terraformed world.

Feeling numb, he picked up the bottle, now stuck into the narrow space between his seat and the hull, and ran his thumb across the fading letters on the label. No, he didn't need it at all. Silly, superfluous thing to be carrying around. He ought to have flung it into space years ago. He didn't need it. He was Ace; he didn't need anything, smeg it all! Clutching the bottle of Listerine, Rimmer stared out at no star in particular, waiting for the computer to give him his next assignment.

Comments

[topsecretpr0nlj.livejournal.com]

I knew the Viagra thing was a red herring, my thought was that the setup for it was a bit incomplete. Before having it broken down for me, I got everything except the assumption that because he's Ace, therefore perfect, he's inhuman and never has a nasty tasting mouth. I still say it's a pretty big leap to make without fleshing out somehow, but I get that you don't want to give away too much and make your non sequitur ending into something obvious.