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reddwarfslash*waves at everybody*
I've been lurking for a while, enjoying all the lovely stories you've all been posting (I've been a bit of a Rimmer/Lister slasher since I knew there was slash to read!) and trying to summon up the courage to post this one...
Firstly, it wasn't my idea. I did the Ficlet Meme a while back (still haven't finished it, actually), and one of my friends decided to break my brain by requesting a Red Dwarf/Harry Potter crossover. Specifically, Cat/Hagrid slash...
Yes. This friend of mine is insane. But I like a challenge. So I had a go.
It is my belief, incidentally (and I'm sure that many of you will disagree, which is fine!) that the Cat can spell just fine in the Cat scent-language we learn about in Season 1, but that he's probably not quite so good when it comes to English penmanship. Hence, erm, what happened here. ;-)
Obviously, I don't own any of this. I'd rate the story PG-13 for its implications.
Ten Things I Dont Like Abot Haggrid
By The Cat
1. His dog is insain. Even for a dog. He keeps triing to lick Me. And he smells wers than monky-mans breth after four nite’s ov drinking and currys. Eugh!
2. Haggrid smels nearly as bad. Like dog-breths piss in the urinals. I dont mind it so much anymore tho.
3. The clothes oh man the clothes. I can tollerate a lot from days spent around H-faces uniform but Haggrids clothes make Rimers look like. Well, *not* like Mine, but like theyir not as hidous as they are.
4. He cant cook. Ive eaten better food when we crashd on that moon with only cold curry saurce and and Kendal mintcake to eat for days. Last time he made flapjaks and I culdnt move My jaw for five hurs. Do you kno how many times a cat needs to snack in a day? I was pissd.
5. Ther are always these anoying little brat-monkys caling for him. Monky childdren are wers than monkys. One has a stupd scar like Rimers H and Haggrid taks to him for *hurs* wile I have to hide in the cuboard like Im some dog-bitch whol put up with that.
6. He stroks me on the head and calls Me a “pretty pussy”. Thats fking friky. I dont mind it so much any more tho.
7. This is embarasng but hes big and ther are practicl dificulties. Ther are things Ive never don and I cant do with him. It maks Me feel like I do when I see a nice new suit and theres no way I can make it Mine. And I dont like feling like that just for a stupid giant monky.
8. Ther are monsters in his gardn. I saw enof of those befor we came to this wird verson of earth that Lister keeps saing isnt quite rite – like hed no the difrence. *Hes* to busy tring to chat up the gaol-bate monky-girls with the weird acsents. Anyway I dont like the monsters. But Haggrid lafs at Me and sais they are sweet and they wont harm me wile hes here. Hes mad theyre not sweet at *all*. And he isnt always here hes always leving Me on My own.
9. I think Haggrid in in lov with that big giant teeching woman who came here with the gaol-bate monky-girls and clerly fancys him.
10. I think he isnt in lov with Me.
I've been lurking for a while, enjoying all the lovely stories you've all been posting (I've been a bit of a Rimmer/Lister slasher since I knew there was slash to read!) and trying to summon up the courage to post this one...
Firstly, it wasn't my idea. I did the Ficlet Meme a while back (still haven't finished it, actually), and one of my friends decided to break my brain by requesting a Red Dwarf/Harry Potter crossover. Specifically, Cat/Hagrid slash...
Yes. This friend of mine is insane. But I like a challenge. So I had a go.
It is my belief, incidentally (and I'm sure that many of you will disagree, which is fine!) that the Cat can spell just fine in the Cat scent-language we learn about in Season 1, but that he's probably not quite so good when it comes to English penmanship. Hence, erm, what happened here. ;-)
Obviously, I don't own any of this. I'd rate the story PG-13 for its implications.
By The Cat
1. His dog is insain. Even for a dog. He keeps triing to lick Me. And he smells wers than monky-mans breth after four nite’s ov drinking and currys. Eugh!
2. Haggrid smels nearly as bad. Like dog-breths piss in the urinals. I dont mind it so much anymore tho.
3. The clothes oh man the clothes. I can tollerate a lot from days spent around H-faces uniform but Haggrids clothes make Rimers look like. Well, *not* like Mine, but like theyir not as hidous as they are.
4. He cant cook. Ive eaten better food when we crashd on that moon with only cold curry saurce and and Kendal mintcake to eat for days. Last time he made flapjaks and I culdnt move My jaw for five hurs. Do you kno how many times a cat needs to snack in a day? I was pissd.
5. Ther are always these anoying little brat-monkys caling for him. Monky childdren are wers than monkys. One has a stupd scar like Rimers H and Haggrid taks to him for *hurs* wile I have to hide in the cuboard like Im some dog-bitch whol put up with that.
6. He stroks me on the head and calls Me a “pretty pussy”. Thats fking friky. I dont mind it so much any more tho.
7. This is embarasng but hes big and ther are practicl dificulties. Ther are things Ive never don and I cant do with him. It maks Me feel like I do when I see a nice new suit and theres no way I can make it Mine. And I dont like feling like that just for a stupid giant monky.
8. Ther are monsters in his gardn. I saw enof of those befor we came to this wird verson of earth that Lister keeps saing isnt quite rite – like hed no the difrence. *Hes* to busy tring to chat up the gaol-bate monky-girls with the weird acsents. Anyway I dont like the monsters. But Haggrid lafs at Me and sais they are sweet and they wont harm me wile hes here. Hes mad theyre not sweet at *all*. And he isnt always here hes always leving Me on My own.
9. I think Haggrid in in lov with that big giant teeching woman who came here with the gaol-bate monky-girls and clerly fancys him.
10. I think he isnt in lov with Me.
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